How do you know when to stop trying?

[LP2020]

As the title suggests really...
Bit of background, I'm 33 and partner is 32. We have DD 4 yrs and have just unfortunately gone through a heartbreaking TFMR due to T21 and other abnormal findings - I was 17 weeks with another DD. Previous to the TFMR, I had a MMC in 2022 at 18 weeks, baby had died at 13+1 and I went to a very dark, lonely and awful place mentally, following a traumatic and complicated medical and emergency surgery management which resulted in a blood transfusion. I swore to myself that I would never ever put myself or my family through another pregnancy, but somehow, after time, felt this deep aching to try again and luckily it happened quickly for us, however ended heartbreakingly almost 2 weeks ago with the TFMR. We also had an early MMC at 8 weeks before our DD was born. So, here I am, very empty, feeling devastated and so sad for the life that could have been. I feel emotionally very unsteady at present and preparing for our DD2 funeral this week and just can't believe the shit luck we have faced. The thing is, I don't feel done. At all. I feel so different now to how I did after the MMC before and I immediately have that deep aching again to try and complete our family. I don't know if it's because physically, I'm not done yet (still bleeding and hormones likely all over the place due to terrible HG and chromosomal abnormalities) - but I can't seem to quieten the voice of possibility and 'what-if' and it's so bloody hard. My partner is adamant that he doesn't want to try again due to the traumas we have faced and I completely understand that and respect that it's his decision as well...but, how do I move forwards from this place? To any others who have experienced similar or just understand the feeling of not being done, what did you do? Did you go on to have healthy, successful pregnancies? Did you find ways to accept that you were done and focus on the positives and eventually, it got easier?

I'm so sorry for the disjointed nature of my post, I'm just feeling a bit buried at the moment and could use some perspective and advice and just a bit of a handhold.

Thank you for reading x

I am so so sorry for what you've gone through, my heart goes out to you. I've just had my third MMC last week (all under 12 weeks) and am terrified of it happening again, but equally terrified of not having a child. The decision of when to stop trying is so hard and such a personal one. What I would say is don't make the decision right now when you're likely near the peak of how much it hurts and how raw it is after your most recent loss.

We have decided to try again right away, but we've also decided to have counselling together if we don't get pregnant in the next 6 months to help figure out what the future looks like for us (we don't get pregnant quickly and that's half the issue with deciding how long to keep trying). I don't want to feel like life is on hold forever, but I also don't want to leave any chance of feeling "what if" or feeling like I didn't do everything to try and have a child.

Not sure if my rambling makes sense, but hopefully it helps you feel a little less alone being in the trenches of making these huge decisions. Sending you a big hug xxx

@moosey89 thank you so much for taking the time to read and reply. I am so very sorry for your losses and that you find yourself in this horrible place too. It really is the most gut-wrenching, emotive topic and gets you in a real chokehold. My partner and I are due to start counselling again with Petals next week and I cannot recommend them highly enough. They helped us navigate our way out of the darkest storm last time and encouraged us to face things which we had been avoiding. I owe so much of my healing to our counsellor and the amazing support from the bereavement team at the hospital.

You're right, it's hard to see which way is up whilst in the depths of grief and trying to come to terms with what's just happened. I'm just so surprised that this feeling is so strong within me and whilst I'm terrified of getting pregnant again and potentially being faced with something even worse than what I've already been through, I can't shut it out and ignore it. I guess I have to just get through the next few weeks to physically recover and process everything more in-depth.

Are you taking anything specific to help with TTC? I've got tonnes of folic acid, vitamin D and pregnancy vitamins left over and they're all just a constant reminder of what could've been. I don't know whether to start taking them again or not just in case...

I'm so sorry for what you've been through, I read something in a book once that said you'll just know when it's time stop, I think at the moment your hormones are still all over the place and it must still feel very raw, I'd give yourself some time first and see how you feel.
I had a mmc back in 2019 before my son who is now 4, I'm now having a TFMR this week also for T21, I'll be 16 weeks, It's just devastating isn't it. I also don't feel done but terrified of trying again too. I wish you all the best if you decide to try again x

It’s so personal.

We have our second, I think, in part because my husband and I never both wanted to stop at the same time.

We would agree to keep going for, say 6 months, and talk again. Or pause for a few months then talk again. Each time we seemed to find our way to each other.

Therapy helped me so much too. After our third loss I felt empty inside, like all the grief and dashed hope had hollowed me out. Individual therapy and group sessions with the Miscarriage Association helped put me back together.

I’m so sorry for your losses and what you’ve been through.

Ahh I'm so so sorry you're facing the same heartbreak too. Please be kind to yourself and make sure you listen to your body and rest as much as you can. It's utterly shit and hard to accept it's just "bad luck".
I can't seem to move past the sadness for my DD's sake. She didn't know about the pregnancy and just thought Mummy was very sick/unwell all the time. I couldn't bring myself to believe it would all be okay, therefore didn't want to burden her with good news and then the inevitable sad news that followed. She is such an affectionate child and my heart breaks when I see her playing in the park, surrounded by groups of siblings. Luckily, she's very sociable and isn't shy with making friends, but it's not the same. I just can't get past the "what could've been" - I definitely agree that I need to give myself and my head/heart some time right now.

Sending you so much love and strength for this week. Big hugs xx

That's great that you both kept communication open and honest with each other and could check-in with how you were feeling. That's definitely something I'm going to make the effort to do with my partner and encourage him to do the same. He is truly heartbroken at the moment, we both are, however, he's had to witness me go through three lots of management, three huge life changing, traumatic events and try and piece me back together each time, whilst dealing with his own grief. I intend to be super open and honest in our counselling sessions and not push him too much, too soon. It's just a shitty, hard, sad place to be existing at the moment.

Thank you for sharing your story, it's given me some hope x

I had 4 consecutive losses after my first child was born (not as advanced as yours ) one had triploidy...the only thing the miscarriage clinic found was I was low in vitamin d. I wasn't sure if I could put myself through any more heartbreak but I didn't want to give up either so we went with not trying not preventing. I conceived my little girl 18 months later (age 35) and thankfully had a normal pregnancy under the monitoring of the miscarriage clinic + progesterone.

I'm so sorry for your losses and I hope the future is a happy one for you either way.

Thank you for your reply. Four losses must've been gruelling and absolute hell for you, I'm so sorry. It's true that women are made of some strong, amazing stuff to go through so much and still manage to carry on and have any kind of life afterwards. I'm so happy you had your rainbow girl after going through all that sadness and heartache. Perhaps the attitude of not trying/not preventing is a good place to start. I'm mindful that I don't want to become obsessed with these feelings and getting pregnant immediately, as I know the huge emotional crash is imminent and I need to deal with everything as it comes.

It all feels like such a mess and I'm just sad and trying to accept what's happened.

@LP2020 I hear you re saying you can't move past the sadness for your DD's sake, I feel the same for my son. I feel so sad and guilty, I had to stop myself from crying today when he was playing on this bouncy castle thing near the park on his own.
Life is just so unfair and cruel at times.
Please go easy on yourself too, you're still young and currently still have a good chance of conceiving a healthy child to term, you are strong. X

This was me earlier today, sat in the park with sunglasses on to hide the tears rolling down my face. It's so cruel and unfair and whilst I know that there's no guarantee my DD would be ecstatic with a sibling and they'd have a great relationship - I just can't move past the longing to watch her grow up with someone by her side. She's a happy, well-rounded child who isn't shy or introverted, so I know she'll thrive when she starts school and will make friends, I just wish she could have someone constant in her life to get into mischief with and make memories together. I hate that this shitty, horrible thing has happened to us and completely thrown everything into chaos and uncertainty now. I feel mad at myself for picturing the future too. That's the hardest thing to undo in my experience one step at a time though...

Sending love and positivity to you

Give your mh a break op. And your body. Have a summer 'off' ttc.. Enjoy your precious dd(and your dh with no pressure sex!) and see what winter brings. I gave up after 3 chemicals and a mmc at 8 weeks. I was 44/45 and gave up due to age.

I absolutely get where you are coming from.
I have a private early scan tomorrow because I'm 90% sure I've lost my 6th pregnancy in a row. All my pregnancy symptoms have gone and it would have been around the 5/6 week mark just like all the others. I'm 39. DS is 5 1/2. He would dearly love a sibling but at this rate he'll be 6 before any sibling would arrive and the age gap is starting to make any chance of them playing together growing up smaller and smaller.
DH is not that bothered cos in his words 'he has his son'. He will be glad we had him. And I know I should be grateful we have him, I am, but I know that I will never get over the losses and trauma.
I'll be 40 in September. We both said we'd stop then but I think tbh if I've lost this one as well I will just go and book a stupidly expensive holiday and give.

@Beautifulbythebay @Cariadxx I'm so sorry to hear of your losses and the awful, hard journeys you've experienced. It is so hard to shut down this deep, primal instinct and longing, no matter what you've experienced and how broken your heart is It's all so unfair and makes no sense, when you're desperately wanting answers and closure to help process it all.

I think a mental health break is definitely needed as there's so much that's going to hit me once the dust settles from the chaos and trauma of the past 6 weeks. I know I can't throw myself into anything, I just wish the feeling of longing for another baby would ease off, just for a little while.

I'm desperate to get a holiday in asap too! Just want to physically be in a better position to be able to enjoy it and not feel bloated and uncomfortable and have to contend with bleeding. Hoping it doesn't all drag on for too long!

Sending lots of love to you both

@LP2020 I'm sorry to hear of the horrible experiences you've had. I hope you start to turn a corner soon. As PPs have said it is a very personal choice of when to stop. I totally understand your yearning for another child. It's almost unbearable. I have had 3 losses in a row starting back in march last year. Its awful to not be able to enjoy pregnancy if and when it occurs. I think I agree with everyone else. Give your body and mind time to heal. Be honest and open with your DH and hopefully you'll be able to reach a compromise. Look after yourself, enjoy your DD and DH and try to find something to smile about today 💐 💐

Thank you for your kind response. I'm so sorry to hear of your losses it really is an awful club to be part of. I hope you're taking good care of yourself.

I definitely agree with the advice of stepping back and taking a break for a while. Life has been so unsteady and uncertain for what feels like an eternity and I don't feel as if I've had a chance to catch my breath yet. It's DD2 funeral tomorrow and I know a huge emotional crash is incoming I have to let these hard, horrible emotions come and be felt and try to move forwards gently. It's just hard knowing that my DD is growing up so fast and I can't shake the guilt of her being alone. Whatever happens, we'll make sure to give her the best life, enjoy her and always be grateful for her.

Sending lots of love and healing hugs to you xx

My second baby was stillborn at 27 weeks, and I didn't allow myself to process it really - launching myself headlong into sheer desperation to have another. It really damaged my mental health in the process, and I really wish that I'd given myself time to grieve properly. As it was, I ended up buckling about 5 years later and not being able to get out of bed for a couple of weeks - I just "broke" with it. My Dad died last year and I got so much from bereavement counselling - I really wish I'd done it at the time I lost my son.

I think sometimes you need to step back to let your mind and body recover, and when you're flooded with hormones and have this desperate urge to give a child a sibling it's really really hard to do. I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time with it

I am so truly sorry for the loss of your son and Dad it must've been awful to feel buried by the grief and I'm glad you found some comfort in bereavement counselling.
I remember all too well from my MMC, that these feelings never go away, no matter how hard we try to push them down or ignore them and move forwards. Eventually, they catch up and swallow you whole

I definitely need to try and take a breath and stop focusing on the what-ifs as it's just adding pain and anxiety to an already unbearable situation. I'd give anything to be able to change what has happened, but I know I can't and staying stuck in this place isn't good for anyone. I'm hoping life will feel a bit lighter and brighter soon...ish.

Thank you xx

You have a beautiful daughter who needs you. You cannot afford to put yourself in a dangerous situation where you could lose your life, or suffer so much mentally and physically that you cannot take care of her, for the sake of a baby. You have a family. Listen to your partner, he is being very sensible.

I think it's different for everyone.

I had 4 MC - all pretty early and straight forward, only medical intervention needed for the first one.

I had decided that I would try 1 last time because I just found MCs so draining and a head fuck as I had more pregnancy symptoms with my MCs than with my pregnancies that went to term. I was 37.

I got pregnant that last time and decided that was me done, so I have 2DC.

Whatever you decide, I hope you feel better soon and I am so sorry you've been through what you have. X

@HcbSS @Pipsquiggle thank you both for your replies

I will definitely take some time to reset both physically and mentally and be as present for my daughter as possible.

I completely understand that I need to appreciate what I have, and I really truly do. It's all just been such a horrible, emotional rollercoaster and for it to have ended the way it did, feels extra cruel. I need to give myself time and let everything settle down before I heap a whole load of added stress and pressure on to myself. Who knows, I may even feel differently in the coming weeks and months. It's all just really hard at the moment and moving forwards and accepting that life won't be as I had dreamed and imagined, is a complete shitter.

I am so grateful for my DD and the utter joy and happiness she brings to our lives and her wonderful presence.

Thank you both for the perspective. I hope to be feeling a bit less frazzled by everything, really soon xx

Op, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I had a TFMR for T21 c12 months ago. I also had 3 first trimester miscarriages before that and once since. We don't have a living child yet and have been through fertility treatment but I'm going through the same thought process as you about when should we stop.

What I would say is that you really just need to focus on looking after yourself in the short term and I don't think you need to make any big decisions yet.

After my TFMR I became comfortable functioning at home / work but really struggled making plans, meeting people socially or being in big groups. So my focus this year has been on trying to build some of that back into my life - arranging to meet friends, going back to my running club, joining a Pilates class, going on holiday and I'm really starting to see that there is a life outside the "bubble" of pregnancy loss that I have been living in. Small steps but I can at least see how I could build a happy life without a child if I choose to take that path.

Don't put pressure on yourself to make decisions, or do too much for the next few months. When the time feels right just slowly start to build more "fun" back into your life and you'll probably be in a better place to make decisions.

I'm not sure if you have already joined but there is a forum on the ARC website for TFMR parents - I'd recommend it as its been a great source of comfort for me, as have the events that ARC organise 1-2 times a year for bereaved parents.

take care x

I'm so very sorry to hear of your losses and the journey you're on I think you're attitude shows so much strength and bravery and you're right, taking it one step at a time is definitely what I need to do.

I think I'm just buried by everything at the moment - it's all still very raw, so I suppose emotionally it's going to feel extra heavy. You're absolutely right about trying to find the fun, lighthearted moments in life again. It feels like such a long time since anything near that was experienced, I have to try and get back to myself. All in good time though.

Sending you lots of love, hugs and a happy, fulfilled life xx

Hello everyone, just wanted to check back in with this thread and see how life has been? How are you all getting on?

I'm so relieved to say, that since I reached out (what feels like years ago!) life has settled down and time has definitely helped me to process and take steps forward from the heavy grief and unbearable sadness. My experience will stay with me forever and a part of me has gone with my daughter, never to be replaced, but I can see some light again and I'm trying to hold on to that.

After a lot of soul searching and open, honest conversations together, my partner and I have decided that we both want to try again and complete our family. We have been taking things slowly and regularly checking-in emotionally and it feels like the right step for us to take. How long a process it will be, I don't know, and I'm going to try my best not to become obsessed by it (easier said than done, I think), but I feel hopeful that we can have a happy ending to our story, one day.

Thank you again for your support, when I needed it the most. I hope we can all find our peace and happiness in whatever form it comes ❤️ xx

@LP2020 I realise this is an old post, but just wanted to see how you’re doing and how the past year has been for you.

Iˆm currently 12 weeks pregnant and had s trisomy 21 high risk result on an NIPT test last week. It is very likely that we will terminate. This is after 2 MMC’s and under treatment at a recurrent loss clinic. I am terrified to try again, but at the same time terrified not to. I really hope you’re doing okay with whatever the past 12 months have brought you.

This is a very sad thread, but one offering such amazing solidarity between women who have trodden such a dark path.

It is personal.

I have had 7 early miscarriages in all.
2 pre my first child, then 5 over the course of a 5 year period as it took us between 6months and 2 years at a time to conceive only to miscarry each time.

Our age was a factor, late 30’s early 40’s.

But it was the trauma of each that was the decider.
Not necessarily the emotional trauma but the physical trauma as I ended up hospitalised due to the blood loss and the unmanageable labour pains each time.
I was not believed on one occasion because I was under 12 weeks and it SHOULD have been no more than period pains therefore I was clearly drug seeking apparently.

Anyway, at 41 we stopped trying and I got the pill. I had just experienced the most traumatic loss of them all. Couldn’t keep doing it and wanted to concentrate on our wee miracle who was nearing 9 years old.

But Mother Nature and my crappy body had other ideas.
Miracle number 2 came along when I was 42 years old and had given up all hope.
I look at that child every day with absolute wonder, how on earth did I get so so lucky?

So many huge hints from mother nature that we were a lost hope for having another child, then I think she just got beat by our persistence and thought “oh ffs, go on then, have this one”!
Best shock/surprise ever bestowed upon us!