What REALLY happened during my miscarriage, at 6 weeks and 4 days pregnant.
Warning: TMI at some points, and graphic details about miscarriage
I'm writing this account of my miscarriage, as I truly struggled to find answers to all the questions I had throughout my experience, and I really didn't know who to ask for help or advice.
I'd seen so many statistics on how many known pregnancies end in miscarriage, and from what I've gathered, it's between 15%-25%. And that statistic goes down to 5%-10% after viable heartbeat seen on ultrasound at 6 weeks.
I found out I was pregnant in early April. It was quite early when I found out, just under 2 weeks since I ovulated so I was just under 4 weeks gestational age (as pregnancy is measured from the date of your last period, which I crazy because it's before you've even conceived).
My husband and I had been TTC (trying to conceive) for just under 3 years at this point, so falling pregnant was an absolute dream. We were absolutely over the moon.
About 2 weeks later, I had a small amount of spotting, a very tiny bit of blood when I wiped. My husband said not to worry, and that he'd done research on how common it was during early pregnancy, but I knew that the risk of miscarriage goes up to 50% after any form of bleeding/spotting. So I was anxious from then (annoyingly, everyone told me to stop worrying, as it was bad for the baby, which subsequently made me more worried). I also had twinges in my lower tummy, every few hours or so. They felt like pinches in my stomach, not an ache or a stab, just the occasional pinch.
The spotting happened every couple of days, so I was growing more and more concerned. I had pregnancy symptoms quite early, but never experienced any morning sickness or nausea. My boobs grew a lot when I was around 4 weeks pregnant, and my sense of smell was incredible. I could smell the chlorine in the shower, I could smell my husbands deodorant from the next room, I could smell my next door neighbour's cooking... It was crazy.
When I reached 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant, the spotting had increased and my boobs felt smaller, so I contacted the early pregnancy unit for help. They brought me in that afternoon for a scan.
I was too early in my pregnanct for anything to be seen on a normal scan, so the nurse had to give me an internal scan. Within about 30 seconds she told me that everything was fine. My baby was the right size for the dates, it was in the perfect place and if had a nice little heartbeat 'happily beating away' as she said. And she couldn't find any cause for the bleeding.
She explained that, although it was light spotting, any bleeding is classed as a threatened miscarriage, and reminded me that ultrasounds cannot predict the future, and advised me that if the spotting continued for 2 weeks, that I'd have to come back in for more tests to try and figure out what was causing the bleeding.
I went home that night feeling happier, but still concerned as something just didn't feel right.
That evening, about 9 hours after I'd seen the heartbeat, I started bleeding. This wasn't spotting blood like I'd had previously, this was bright red blood. I forced myself to sleep and tried not to worry, and tried to keep the happy images of my healthy baby I'd seen on the scan that afternoon.
I woke up the next morning and knew that something was wrong. I was bleeding still, and feeling the occasional bad twinge in my lower abdomen. Then, that afternoon, I felt a pain, low down in my abdomen, that felt like a physical weight had dropped inside of me. By that evening I was having bad cramps, bleeding heavily, and shaking. I think the shaking was a combination of worry and pain. I ended up in urgent care (alone, as this was during the Covid-19 pandemic and my husband was not allowed in with me), and I had a number of blood tests, urine tests, waited almost 2 hours in the waiting area for a doctor to say "It appears as though you're having a miscarriage, but there's nothing we can do here now so I'll book you in for an appointment at the early pregnancy unit tomorrow" and that was that. No "Sorry...", no delicate words. She just booked me in the next day and sent me off with some painkillers.
My appointment at the early pregnancy unit was at 2pm on Saturday, just 48 hours after my last one there.
I waited what felt like a lifetime to go in to the room, then a really sweet lady took me through for the scan. She asked me what I thought was happening. I talked her through everything and said "I think I've lost my baby".
While she was doing the scan (internal again as it was too early to be seen on a normal ultrasound), she kept clicking the screen and taking pictures. I said "Is there nothing there?" while trying to hold back tears, and she responded gently "I'll explain everything in a minute sweetheart". I knew there and then that I was about to get bad news.
She let me sit up and then explained that my baby was still there, but that there was no heartbeat. I sat and cried for so long, and was so heartbroken, I couldn't even hold my husband's hand throughout it as he wasn't allowed in the building.
She took me through to a quiet room and explained my options. I could either have D & C surgery (which I didn't want as there is a very small risk of damaging my uterus, a risk I wasn't willing to take, regardless of how small a risk it was). I could take medication to encourage contractions, or I could just let the miscarriage continue naturally. I opted for natural as I felt it was best for me and would let me body do its thing, so that I was in a good position for falling pregnant again, when the time came. The nurse said that my baby had already dropped really low in my uterus, so was well on the way out, and that letting it happened was a good option. She told me I could ask her questions, but I didn't know what to say. I asked what caused it, and she explained that miscarriages are usually based on a genetic problem, that would've been decided upon conception, and there was nothing I, or anyone, could've done any differently to change the outcome.
I went home and cried and cried and cried. I felt such a range of emotions. I cried my heart out on my husband, apologised for not taking better care of our baby. I felt embarrassed when I was telling our close friends and family about what had happened. I felt so guilty. Like I'd harmed out baby. I felt like it was my fault that my husband wasn't getting his baby, and that it was my fault that our parents weren't getting a grandchild. I felt like I was bad at being a woman because I couldn't even take care of my own baby.
It was awful. The next few weeks weren't any easier. I was bleeding constantly, and in pain a lot. I had, what felt like, little contractions most of the days afterwards. Every day, I waited, expecting to see the sac with my baby in it. But every day was just more blood. The nurse said it should only take a few days, but I had two exhausting weeks of bleeding before anything happened. The blood was bright red throughout the weeks, and I had blood clots, some were tiny, some were the size of 50 pence pieces, and then sometimes the blood was really thin and had lots of water in it.
Eventually, 2 weeks after I found out the heartbeat had stopped, I felt a weird pain really low in my abdonmen, like a strong cramp that made me want to push, sat on the toilet, and then caught the sac on a piece of toilet roll. I ended up inspecting it for half an hour (at least), and made out what was the shape of my baby in there and a tiny little placenta. It was very very tiny, the size of my little finger nail, but it was so hard to look at.
Without sounding cruel, I felt so relieved to have seen it. I was on edge, waiting, wondering if it had happened. Sad because I wasn't sure if my baby was still in there.
Those last two weeks, I spent my time googling "How do I know if my miscarriage is over?", "Do you always see the sac during miscarriage?", "how long should bleeding last?". It was awful, and felt like a lifetime as it was during the UK Covid-19 lock down, so I couldn't even go and see my mum or my friends to distract me from it all.
After that, I spent another 3/4 days bleeding bright, red blood, before it eventually turned to spotting and slowed down until it stopped. I was bleeding for a total of 3 weeks and 5 days. It was exhausting.
I didn't share this story for sympathy, truly I didn't. I just wanted to share an account of what happened, and hopefully to answer some questions. I'm happy to talk if anyone wants to contact me directly and ask any questions about something they're going through. It's fresh in my mind too, as my bleeding only stopped in the last few days. This has all happened so recently.
I'm sorry for anyone else who has gone through this, but please remember, you are not alone. There are other women feeling similar to you, and going through similar experiences. There is always support out there, it's hard to find, but please don't be alone during this. Reach out, talk about it, and don't suffer alone.
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