I can't talk to my loving, thoughtful and caring children about this as 2 of them are expecting a baby this summer. I have no friends or other family and am very isolated due to a disability with no support.
I had 4 babies, 3 sons followed by my daughter, with age gaps of 14 months, 15 months and exactly 1 year. It was my 3rd son, 3rd baby, this is about.
I've tried to write this so many times. I'm sorry if it is long or confusing; I don't expect any replies, I think I just need to get it out of my mind (talking real spoken words can make a huge difference, but I genuinely don't have anyone).
Last week there was a huge devastating realisation; it felt like someone squeezed all the air out of my body and all that came out was tears.
I was, doing some very excited grandma-to-be reading and ended up on the WHO gestational growth charts and explanations. I can't describe how I felt when I realised that the hospital had lied to brazenly to me about my baby's gestation which meant he did not have to be recorded as a birth. They put 'spontaneous abortion' and that hurts so deeply.
When i was at my 1st antenatal I was 8 weeks pregnant, but was using contraception so wasn't sure. The midwife measured me at 16 weeks, so sent me straight for a scan. All this is on my co-op card (like a pregnancy record),that I still have.
The scan confirmed I was 16 weeks pregnant but there was also excess amniotic fluid, so I had additional tests that were all OK and my care was referred back to GP until 36 weeks (which was normal then).
My due date was 3rd of September
He was delivered on 6th of August.
The 8 week difference is significant and meant he was denied a funeral which in turn meant his body had all his organs removed. If he could have had a funeral, there is no way they could have done that to him.
I kept seeing my GP for antenatal care. He was awful (to everyone) and his antenatal care included asking how you were. There was no examination, no listening to heartbeat, but no blood pressure checks... This was his normal practice. He didn't fill anything in on my co-op card. Many women going through this made serious complaints at the time, me included, but it was deemed he was doing the bare minimum required so no action was taken.
At 36 weeks, on 5th August, I told the GP I couldn't feel my baby moving and I didn't feel pregnant any more. He belittled me and said I was being silly and neurotic. I asked him for my co-op card and he filled it in in front of me, from weeks 20 to 35, the heartbeat heart, fundus height, blood pressure with a load of crap, the dates didn't even correspond to my checkup dates.
I didn't sleep that night and decided to go to the hospital early the following day.
I had a scan. They dated it at 28 weeks on size, not 36. I said I was 36 weeks but for some reason the earlier scan wasn't in my notes. They said if I was 36 weeks then baby was very small for dates. I tried telling them that at 16 weeks my baby measured perfectly for 16 weeks and she made a note.
I was told my baby would be stillborn. The person scanning said my baby appeared to be fully developed, and his lungs and heart looked full term. This bit was not written in my notes.
Once I was on the ward the treatment was awful, almost like I was contagious. They did the bare minimum and rarely spoke to me and 3 hours after being induced I delivered my baby by myself, in the room alone. I had to ring the buzzer and it took them what felt like a long time to come. During that time I just held my baby. He was perfect. He was very small, but he didn't look premature, just small. I was holding him so close and I remember wiping my tears from his face. He had the same colour hair as my 2nd baby but looked just like my eldest son.
When the midwife came in she seemed angry with me for not telling her my baby was delivered ( still don't understand what I could have done differently)
She literally snatched him from me, put him on the bed and told me I shouldn't be going and touching him. She said it was pointless cutting the cord and she delivered the placenta and left me, taking my baby away from me. I never saw him again, they refused to let me see him.
One midwife was telling a student midwife what was happening, outside my door and I heard everything. She said that my baby was small for dates. At the time I didn't put much significance on that comment as I was so distraught. He weighed 1.189kg - I think is about 2lbs 4oz, which is perfect for 28 week gestation. But, her saying that really was THEM KNOWING AND ACKNOWLEDGING that he was 36 weeks gestation.
Why has it taken me so many years to realise this? Why has it taken so long for me to actually convert his birthweight to lbs and ounces? I only realised when I saw the WHO chart saying 1105g for 28 weeks. I feel so bad that I only just clicked.
I asked about arranging a funeral. They said I was only 28 weeks and had to be 28 weeks and 1 day for a stillbirth so I couldn't have a funeral. Why couldn't they listen to me? They told me they would put his body in the coffin of an adult male with no family. (I still don't know if that is something they really did, or was it said to be some sort of comfort that he wouldn't be alone?) I argued about his dates but they weren't listening. My local vicar later told me he has spoken to a midwife about this. She told him that any baby appearing small for dates was put as a spontaneous abortion so it didn't have to be registered as a birth, for a few reasons... Less paperwork and it looks far better on hospital statistics as it is one less stillbirth on official records.
Life went on, my daughter was born on the 6th August the following year.
One day, when my daughter was 14 years old I got a call from the hospital director asking me to see him and the director of obstetrics and gynaecology, and to take someone with me. During that meeting they told me that during a review, ordered by Government, they discovered that all of my baby's organs, including skin, were taken without my knowledge or permission. His body parts were located in 7 different hospitals and universities.
If they had asked me if they could take his organs for research and/or teaching I would have said yes. Why didn't they just ask me?
I wanted to find out how this had happened and wanted as much of him back as possible thinking at least I could now arrange a funeral. I was told they were not allowed to discuss it with me as it was now a legal case, and to find out I would have to join the class action suite against the health authority.
I decided to join purely so I could bury my baby.
During the fact gathering by the legal team they obviously went through all my hospital and GP records. After delivery there was a section about taking his body and someone had written "perfect specimen, mother unaware".
The case was truly awful but, at the end, I asked when I would get him back only to be told I wouldn't. If I wanted to buy him I would have to take out a civil case. I couldn't face anymore because 3 times in the original case I wanted to back out but told I couldn't otherwise I would have to pay all the legal fees and I couldn't afford it. I felt trapped in a place I couldn't handle.
I'm not even sure why I have told you all of this. Some days I want to die because I still feel that I failed my baby so many times. They say time is a healer, I'm still waiting for the time it starts to feel better.
I don't think anyone can ever 'get over' losing a baby, just learn to love in a different way.
FOR NEWS, MEDIA AND OTHERS: I DO NOT GIVE PERMISSION TO ANYONE TO PUBLISH ANY PART OR ALL OF THIS POST.