Things I didn't know about miscarriage until I experienced one...

[TheSting]

I have only had one miscarriage but so many elements of it were a complete surprise to me.

Feel free to add your own.

• That with a MMC, there may be no sign that you've miscarried until you're scanned.

• Just how much waiting may be involved.

• That surgical procedures under GA may be required.

• That comfort and kind words may come from unexpected places. I never would have guessed that my male boss's reaction would be more supportive than my female best friend's. The warmth and compassion of the EPU and day surgery NHS staff has really stood out too.

• How lonely an experience it can be despite having a loving partner.

• That I would feel embarrassed by my previous reactions to other people's miscarriages. At the time I thought that I was sympathetic but I really had no idea what they were going through.

That the lack of empathy some medical professionals have is staggering.

How many friends had also had miscarriages, and how kind people can be (3 friends, who at the time I didn't know that well, really looked after me on the day I found out I definitely was miscarrying - one made us dinner, one picked my older kids up from school and the next day came round to do some hoovering and keep me company, it was so lovely to feel cared for.)

How much it can hurt - my first one I was in absolute agony, they gave me morphine in hospital, which helped

Definitely yy to it spoiling the joy of early pregnancy. After 3 miscarriages, when I was pg with DD, we didn't tell people, I didn't even let myself get excited until after the 20 week scan. Just tried to stay detached for ages.

That years on, I would still mourn the loss of those fairly early pregnancies (though 2 of the 3 were after I'd seen a heartbeat on a scan) and wonder what those children might have been like.

That vanishing twin syndrome, where one twin dies in early pregnancy, is quite common. I had never even heard of it before it happened to me.

That miscarrying naturally would hurt and last almost as long as labour in a term pregnancy and I'd be passing out with pain. And that it was worse than my actual labour years later because there was no baby at the end of it. That even on the second day where I was having full blown contractions I was still clinging to hope that maybe it's not going to happen.

That feeling of crushing emptiness the morning after when I woke up and realised baby was no longer with me and I howled with grief.

That I would be really "fine" about it for few months after and then get a bout of sadness and grief that held me for a year after that.

That for next pregnancy I could not get excited or even accept it fully it and bond with the baby in my womb because I was fully ready to lose it at any point and didn't want to get used to her presence.

I don't think miscarriage gets discussed nearly enough or shared nearly enough.

I had no idea that I would have contractions or how much blood I would lose. No one tells you the reality of it.

How I needed to celebrate that child as well as grieve for them, and have some recognition that they had existed and been unbelievably precious to me for the time we were together. And that almost no one except a few wonderful friends, had any idea what to say and mostly pretended it hadn't happened. One of those friends went to the children's chapel in their local cathedral for me and put a memorial for him on my behalf in the book there, which helped so much.

How utterly brilliant the hospital were from start to finish, especially the nurse who held my hand on the way to theatre when I started to cry. Bless you, I have no idea of your name and never saw you again but your kindness got me through that day.

How devastating it would be when a young doctor apologetically explained that the foetus would be disposed of as medical waste and there was nothing I could do about it.

Yes to no warning or awareness of potential complications, the mmc - the first of my three mcs- triggered chronic illness that is still causing havoc in my life.

That I'd have terrible nightmares for months about harming tiny animals, and would be unable to hold a kitten or a puppy or a baby because I got so worried that I'd hurt it. It took a long time to realise it was guilt because my body had let my baby down so badly.

How lonely I'd feel being alone in my body again.

As pp have said, that for the next pregnancies I wouldn't let myself get in any way attached or interested in self defense.

That I still privately think of him every mothers day and Christmas and what would have been his predicted birthdate.

That getting a print of the scan when you have had a missed miscarriage helps in the weeks that follow.

That how you feel about it will almost certainly be different to how those around you have felt about their own miscarriages.

That the waiting between the scan and the surgery wasn't as bad as I had feared and may have helped me to take it all in.

That you probably won't know why it happened and that the hospital apparently won't investigate the 1st few.

That I'd still be wondering years later whether the baby would have been a girl or a boy.

I didn't know, or listen properly, to how many women have had miscarriages and how hard it hits.

I learnt.

Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. I am so sorry for your losses and for the pain and trauma you've experienced. to everyone suffering.

It is comforting to see the hope shining through too.

It's still early days for me but I'm hoping that this whole experience will help me, in the long term, to become more empathetic and less blinkered and selfish. I'm working hard to pay the kindness I've experienced forward and to excuse inexperienced people's insensitive reactions.

ForeverHopeful I'm sure that your sister would not want you to beat yourself up about your reaction now. Are you able to talk to her about the guilt you feel?

How alone it feels.

How much I really wanted and loved the baby.

And yes a million times to being robbed of pregnancy innocence. DC2 was my 5th pregnancy and I could hardly speak about it out loud for months. I was just waiting for him to die.

That even now, years later, I still have a funny sort of envy/hate/pity towards people who get a positive test and assume it will result in a baby. I think they're stupid and blinkered.

That none of my miscarriages made me stronger, or wiser, or a better person somehow. They just made me a bit of a bitch (see point above!). There is nothing redeeming about miscarriage.

How uncaring the NHS staff can be.
"Some women miscarry, take a paracetamol." - bitch doctor at a&e

Having to walk through the waiting room after my scan which confirmed mmc, with husband holding me up as I could barely stand.

How crap the NHS information is,it was nothing like having a period!

That I would feel my waters break and have contractions before the end happened.

How much you miss someone that you never get to meet.

How kind your friends can be, the ones who dropped everything to be by my side.

How much it changes you and your views and attitudes.

Stay strong OP, sadly far too many women go through this, but we are fighters. Keep talking to people whether they are on here in real life.

I have had 2 dc and 2 miscarriages so far....
How I felt to see my tiny child on a scan and be told it wasn't going to make it.
How stupid and betrayed by my own body I felt when I discovered my rainbow baby pregnancy was actually a blighted ovum at 12 weeks.
How it felt for a stranger to wipe my tears of grief and agony away during surgical management of aforementioned blighted ovum.
The sheer soaring joy and terror of being pregnant again after a loss...
Good luck and love to all of us x

to all who have lost a child

I lost my dd2 at 40+5

When the chaplain described the sadness of 'pregnancy loss' I could have screamed! I lost my daughter, my baby girl. It is her that My heart is breaking over NOT the pregnancy.

That was just one of the comforting things people said that made me silently wince.

Wow 3badgers what an insensitive ridiculous thing to hear from the chaplain. 🌠⚘🌼 hugs to you, so sorry for the terrible loss of your daughter x

That it would take so long - the bleeding lasted for almost a month on and off from properly starting but was 6 weeks or so from first spotting

That I would lose some hair and my boobs would leak

That some friends would be really shit but like others have said kindness would come from unexpected places and I have met some amazing friends because of my experience

That it could happen to me after two healthy pregnancies
That I would have to carry on with life as 'normal' for the sake of my two dc's especially the elder one who at 7 watched all of my reactions/grieving
That I could ever feel this alone and empty
That it stays with you forever - all the what could have beens especially around anniversary dates - his birthday, Mother's Day etc.
That it would cause me to become estranged from family members - complicated!
That I would experience post traumatic stress
Probably could go on but won't, thanks for starting this thread!