Termination at five months - heartbreaking story

[Ruth404]

Oh God, has anyone read this? This poor woman had to end her baby's life when she discovered she wouldn't have been able to survive. I can't even get my head around what that must've been like.
standardissuemagazine.com/health/maybe-baby/

[PersianCatLady]

I am glad I read it and I hoped that it helped the author to cope with her loss.

I also totally understand why it was inappropriate to have that story in the pregnancy section.

[NeedACleverNN]

I read a story in a magazine once where a woman chose to terminate her pregnancy at 7 months because the baby was severely ill. If it made it to full term, it would have died during labour or very close after birth. It was already suffering in the womb by having multiple seizures and if it was born living, it would have suffered every minute it was alive.

I cried when I read it and truly empathised with her.

[KittyandTeal]

Almost the same story as mine, although dd2 had Edwards.

It's heartbreaking when it happens. I now find it odd that people are shocked it happens, not in a 'how stupid are people' way but in a 'this is my life and I cannot remember much before it' kind of way. I was equally shocked and distraught at stories like this, I used to read them in awe thinking 'I don't know how people go through that and I definitely couldn't cope' but you know what, you just do cope.

I agree it's upsetting for a pregnancy board but then I'm also of the opinion that medical terminations and still birth are things we should talk about more, and normalise (not accept in terms of still birth but accept as part of pregnancy) it would feel way less lonely if we did. I also think still birth should be addressed and discussed in antenatal classes. No one wants to think about it but I'll bet if/when it happens people wish they had as they are so many things to decide so quickly after being given such tragic news.

5 months is pretty standard for tfmr as often (as in our case) issues are picked up at the anomoly (not the 'gender' scan as some people see it!) scan, with amnios, extra scans and tests to be sure lots find them in this situation at 22-23 weeks.

[LuckySantangelo1]

That was a very moving article. Thank you for posting it. I had a TFMR two years ago at 12 weeks. It was a surgical termination. I think it's important that issues like this are more widely talked about because it's an isolating experience. Because mine happened so early on I only told a handful of people. I think the idea that women should somehow be protected from this kind of thing does everyone a real disservice.

[Ifiwasabadger]

This is one of the most most moving things I have ever read. I would not have been offended to see it in pregnancy. We need to talk about this.

Thank you for sharing.

[ElsaAintAsColdAsMe]

It is something that needs to be talked about more.

When you get pregnant and you are happy about it you get welcomed into this little club full of happy excited people all sharing stories and having a moan about sickness.

Then all of a sudden the most awful thing happens and you are shunned by the very people who were supporting you.

You have to bugger off to somewhere, anywhere, else so you don't upset the happy people.

Those of us who's children have died during pregnancy or afterwards are the people that nobody wants to think about.

We are the ones who need the most support yet have to bugger off out of sight to our own little corners and talk in hushed tones in case the fact our children aren't here upsets someone else.

We are the ones who have to listen to everyone else going on and on about their pregnancies and children but we aren't allowed to talk about ours.

It makes me so angry that we are silenced and shoved aside just in case sharing our stories happens to upset someone else or make them think about an uncomfortable subject.

For those people who haven't experienced our losses we are the unthinkable, we are the very worst thing that could happen, our reality is a thought they can't cope with.

We should be free to share our stories and thoughts. We have suffered enough why do we need to stay silent about it.

Why can't this be in pregnancy? This is the reality of pregnancy for far too many people.

[AButterflyLightsBesideUs]

I want to hit like buttons on a pile of posts here, especially Kitty's and Elsa's. I want to shout out that I have three children, a son and a daughter who are both now buried side by side, my little boy after a TFMR at 13-14 weeks and my daughter after an interuterine death picked up at 20 weeks. My heart and my head are full of them, so much love, so much pain, and they are a non event to the rest of the world, no one wants to talk about them or acknowledge them. I feel like I have a gag on if I have a pregnant friend - I musn't share, I mustn;t tell, it's not fair on them blah blah blah

The reality is, this happens, daily, and it is made so much harder when it happens to you by the fact that you were so unprepared and unaware and you feel like you are the only one. You know nothing about what you have to do/decide. I have never felt more terrified and ill equipped to cope than when I went into hospital to be induced and have my tiny girl. I remember saying to the midwife "but, but, I've ordered books about labour and they haven't arrived yet, I haven't talked about this in my antenatal appointments, I don't know anything!" in a rising tone of hysteria.

In much the same vein I don't understand why the miscarriage/pregnancy loss section on here is hidden away in Body and Soul as if it were some kind of dirty secret, rather than included in Becomming a Parent, along with conception, pregnancy, antenatal tests etc. It is part of the whole thing and we do pregnant women a great disservice when we hide information from them.

[Chrisinthemorning]

I had a termination for medical reasons too. I'd rather people didn't "chat" about it - it wasn't a lighthearted thing to happen.
I think more people should "talk" about it as it could and does happen to anyone, every day.
Either back to pregnsncy or possibly antenatal choices. I resent the implication that it should be hidden from all the "happy normal pregnant people" though. That's shocking.

[Chrisinthemorning]

Reported. Will I get banned for reporting MNHQ own post?

[NeedACleverNN]

No you won't

[YabuDabbaDoo]

I too am surprised that miscarriage and pregnancy loss aren't under "Becoming a Parent." I'm sure that there was no intention to offend in setting it up that way, and may have been thought to be the more sensitive way of doing things. But yes, let's get topics like miscarriage and stillbirth back into the "becoming a parent" area, please.

It was my second baby that I lost. I remember thinking, thank goodness I am blessed with my eldest and society already knows that I have become a parent. How heartbreaking it would have been to have my "parent" status unacknowledged, just because I had no baby in my arms to demonstrate it.

[YabuDabbaDoo]

...am now wondering whether it was moved there because the "pregnancy" topic was felt to be a difficult place to visit at a time when someone is losing/has lost theirs. A bit like being treated on a general maternity ward... I know MN ran a big miscarriage support & awareness campaign a couple of years ago and I am sure this must have come up then?

[YabuDabbaDoo]

I've started a thread over in Site Stuff about where is best - I know that's a TAAT but not sure how else tackle it!

Going to step away now but want to hug (yes, damnit, hug) everyone who has shared their stories on here.

[Chrisinthemorning]

That might be the case, and would be more sensitive. I was pretty shocked at MNHQ tbh. Chat isn't right either though is it?

[JontyDoggle37]

I cried reading it and still crying now. I was pregnant at nearly the same age and am so grateful EVERY.SINGLE.DAY that our little boy is ok and now 14 months. I can't imagine going through this and managing to come out the other side. Another vote for this staying in the Pregnancy topic. Thank you O.P. And as a side note, I was thinking about taking up knitting earlier today but couldn't imagine what I would mKe and now I know - I'm going to make tiny hats and blankets for babies born too soon.

[bluebelle2662]

This is how I lost my little boy recently - in April and I still don't feel able to tell people I had to end my pregnancy because I was told he wouldn't survive. I was, and still am devastated but I feel so isolated as no one talks about it and I'm sure a lot of people who have lost pregnancies have suffered this too but no one wants to say for fear of being judged.

It's not a "choice", because you didn't choose it. I didn't want my baby to die. It has been the worst time of my life.

[ineedamoreadultieradult]

I have fortunately no experience of anything like this but I found it a heartbreaking and very honestly written article and it made me think about how many people are affected as it really isn't talked about enough. Thank you for posting it.

[JugglingFromHereToThere]

I'm so sorry bluebelle

Of course it's no choice. Only trying to do what will be for the best, or the least worst.

I've run out of words. Thinking of you and everyone here touched by this.

[triathlon]

bluebelle

[TheMonkeysOnTheTable]

for everyone who has been through similar to this. I too agree that this shouldn't be in chat.

sorry if this has been suggested before, but surely the miscarrige and pregnancy loss topic could be made to be accessible from both Becoming a parent AND the Body and soul sections. That way maybe more people could find it when it's useful, but also they could avoid the becoming a parent section if they chose.

[BumWad]

WTF MN why has this been moved?

I can relate to the story, it's very well written. I've had a stillbirth at 25 weeks and like other posters have said its amazing how many friends/colleagues/acquaintances have experienced the same which I only found out about after my stillbirth.

[MovingOnUpMovingOnOut]

I read it. I don't normally read articles like this.

I'm glad I did. It was poignant and funny and achingly sad.

I think we need to read articles like this. They are the natural counterpoint to those people who had a baby and struggled with motherhood not being magical and enjoyable and yet they manage to get acres of copy out of this.

The author is honest, laid bare and funny while telling another version of how pregnancy can play out. We need to read this.

[Aus26]

Oh Bluebell, you have written all the same things that I feel. I spent a lot of time living in parts of the world where terminations for medical reasons or otherwise are a lot more politicised so when I was faced with this decision in January I was very very careful (too careful) about who to share what I was going through. It feels like a dirty little secret.

My son died in january at 29 weeks gestation, so late because he is a twin. He had a severe form of arthogryposis and was also posing a risk to his twin as his symptoms were very likely to put me in preterm labour. I carried him for 8 further weeks after he passed and he was born in march along with his sister who thankfully is the most perfect thing you have ever seen. I was lucky, my pregnancy didn't end in a silent labour, but it doesn't diminish how much he was wanted or loved, nor the sadness I feel today.

Thank you for sharing the article, it does help to read these stories and know that I am not alone.x

[KittyandTeal]

Jonty without wanting to sidetrack the thread, knitting hats and blankets for still born babies is a wonderful thing to do. Can I suggest you get in touch with sands? They are an amazing charity and will be able to either take your donations for memory boxes or direct you to a hospital that needs them.

Bluebell. it is so soon after your tfmr, be kind and gentle.

[KatherineMumsnet]

Apologies, all - we are moving this over to pregnancy loss shortly.