Termination at five months - heartbreaking story

[Ruth404]

Oh God, has anyone read this? This poor woman had to end her baby's life when she discovered she wouldn't have been able to survive. I can't even get my head around what that must've been like.
standardissuemagazine.com/health/maybe-baby/

On second thought, Beard is right. Pregnancy-related, but not necessarily the Pregnancy board itself.

Pregnancy-related, but not necessarily the Pregnancy board itself

Why? That was her pregnancy experience, as it is for many of us. Why should it be hidden away? Don't scare the pregnant women, the real ones that is, not you who doesn't get a baby to take home, you're not one of us, you don't belong here....thats the message when you say it doesn't belong on the Pregnancy boards.
You're saying only good bits allowed, and your experience is not wanted here. Take your reality somewhere else so the happy pregnant folk don't need to think about it.
Fuck that, I've heard it too many times.

This has made me also cry.

I think this should be on the pregnancy board. It definitely shouldn't be deleted after 90 days.

to anyone who has had to go through anything like this.

HeddaLettuce hit the nail on the head.

Very well written. Shouldn't be in chat.

I didn't have a medical termination. My son died of natural causes. But I did have to go through labour knowing that my son was dead. I can utterly sympathise with the poor woman, my son had a heart condition that wasn't picked up until it had killed him. I went into labour naturally. He would be 19 this coming November.

Beautifully written, simple and emotional, and very true to the reality. It has its place in the journey of motherhood as much as any other and should be listened to with compassion for the sake of the many women out there who are simply a mummy without a baby.

That poor poor mother. That article made me sob.

I have my 20 week scan on Monday. I am paranoid that something is wrong. I thought that I was just being stupid but the 20 week scan is there for a reason.

Because of course if we hide all the stories we don't want to think about away from all the happy glowing lovely excited soon to be new mums then it will never happen to us.
We never have to think about it

This should definitely not be in Chat, it should have stayed in the pregnancy section, far too many pregnancies end like this, and it is shameful that we are still not allowed to discuss it any more than my Grandmother was in the 1940s.

My daughter died at 22 weeks gestation, I was quite young and no one thought to tell me why, just that she was dead and I'd have to give birth to my dead child. Afterwards, I was told to just get on with it and she was forgotten. I can absolutely empathise with this woman and all women who have had to make the same decision for whatever reason.

HowTo and all the other women who have been through this

Not appropriate for Chat. Surely Pregnancy is the obvious place, people will know what its about from the title. They can chose not to read it if they want to carry on thinking all pregnancies are perfect and nothing bad ever happens.

Mumsnet, I wish this could be moved back to pregnancy, for reasons stated by previous posters.
I have had two terminations with babies who were too poorly, and had never read or thought about it before it happened to me.
This article made me cry, that's fine. I was glad to read it and empathise. It is not wrong to have articles like this around pregnant women. We all ought to be talking and sharing this more.

This is a very hot topic in Ireland at the moment as we push for a change in our laws.

Countless women are coming forward with these heartbreaking stories, made so much worse by the fact they they are made to feel like criminals and have to travel to the uk, away from family and friends, to have a termination and then travel back, often still in pain, some with the ashes of their baby in their luggage.

So sad

Good to talk though. There are too many things we don't talk about enough.

I read that article a couple of days ago and I thought it very well written. It made me cry, as I remembered being induced and going into labour at 22 weeks to give birth to my little girl, who would have been 22 this year had she gone to term. There was no reason they could find, they told me after a post-mortem they completed 7 months after her death. My placenta had ruptured for no apparent reason and we tried to keep her but it was not to be. This was in a mainland European country. There were no photos, there was no funeral, there was no emotional support offered to me by the doctor or the hospital, there was no suggestion of planting a tree in her memory - it was only when I went back on a visit to England that I found out about Sands, but as I was non-resident, there wasn't really much help I could get. I landed up in hospital for a week with a mystery illness (stomach pains, query appendicitis) which the doctors eventually decided was grief-related. The doctor where I lived questioned my mental health when I told him I was upset to have to meet the people who had carried out the post-mortem on my daughter and discuss the reason she had died, that I was still grieving for my lost child 7 months on.
The article brought back all too vividly to me. But it's an excellent article and I too think it is more relevant to pregnancy than to chat. Sympathies to everyone else here who has been through something similar.

Isn't the fact that this thread was instantly moved part of the problem? It underlines the fact that these stories are so necessary because, sadly, not every pregnancy ends with a live baby at the end of it.

Hiding it, moving it, ignoring it only makes it harder for women in this position to speak out.

I applaud the writer of this article - so brave, poignant and powerful.

And also, as a PP said, this: I think she can use whatever turn of phrase that she likes, to talk about her own experience

It is a sad story.

I had a stillbirth at 36 weeks So I know a little of how a loss like this effects an individual.

I also however don't think the pregnancy board is the right place, there is often a few nervous Mums to be worrying about miscarriage, scan etc and I think pregnancy loss would be the best place.
it is not about pregnant women thinking all pregnancies are perfect we all know some babies sadly don't make it, it also isn't about us pregnant ones being 'real' mums as somebody suggested.

This is an emotive subject, and shouldn't be hidden away. Losing a child, under whatever circumstances, is heartbreaking and the parents should be able to talk about their grief and their loss openly, without the fear of upsetting others.

My friend and I went through our second pregnancies together, her due date and mine were days apart. Sadly her daughter died in the womb at 36 weeks. It put an immense strain on our friendship, I felt guilty, less than a month later, giving birth to my healthy baby son. I imagined her looking at my boy, as he progressed through life, thinking of her daughter, and the milestones she never got to reach. And trying to combine the joy I felt at the arrival of my son, with the grief and sorrow I felt for her, was difficult - I can't begin to imagine how painful it was for her.

People need to talk openly about this. Not every pregnancy ends with a cuddly bundle of joy . We need to know how to react, what to say, what is the best way of talking to the bereaved parents. Do we send flowers? Or would that be thoughtless?

My friend just wanted to talk about her daughter, to mention her name, to show people photographs of her perfect little face, but lots of people just couldn't or wouldn't engage in conversation.

I'm 5 months pregnant and don't mind it being in the pregnancy section at all. I'm due my 20 week scan next week and am a bit nervous as this pregnancy I have had a few complications. Because of that I decided not to read the article itself yet but as it's pretty clear what it's about in advance I can't see the problem.

I, very stupidly, said to my sonographer that she had a lovely job when I went for my 12 week scan. She, nicely but seriously, said, some days it is a very hard job indeed as not every pregnancy is viable. I felt very silly and naive.

So this story is so important for highlighting just one of the possible outcomes/decisions a woman might face throughout the course of a pregnancy.

People need to talk openly about this. Not every pregnancy ends with a cuddly bundle of joy . We need to know how to react, what to say, what is the best way of talking to the bereaved parents.

Yes, this.

Nobody is saying it should be hidden away or not talked about. I agree that Chat is possibly not the ideal place for it.

A vital part of this forum is devoted to loss for that very reason, and there are many, many heartbreaking stories there. It's certainly the section I gravitated to when I lost two of my previous pregnancies. It's also where my SiL found support when her son was stillborn at 39 weeks.

People do say it, though, don't they?

I realise, of course, that MNHQ won't have thought of it as 'hiding away' the story when they put it in Chat, but I'd hate to see it be lost after 90 days.

I just looked and I couldn't even find the Miscarriage/pregnancy loss board until I did 'Show all topics' because it is in the 'Body and Soul' category.

Perhaps a bit strange that it is so separated from the 'Becoming a Parent' section.

No Hedda, I'm not saying that at all. I'm saying that someone coming to look for support with a similar issue needs to be able to find it.

When I miscarried I did not look for support on the Pregnancy board because I knew that very soon I would no longer be pregnant.