I thought I was 'safe' - second trimester miscarriage

[JBrd]

I had 3 mcs last year, all around 8 weeks. So when I got my BFP back in January this year, I was very anxious and worried it would happen again. Because of my history, I was very closely supervised and heavily medicated in this pregnancy - progesterone, aspirin, heparin, lots of scans.
The weeks went on, and it was so hard to not go mental - I had some spotting around 6-7 weeks, and a small bleed, at which point I thought it's all over again. But they saw a heartbeat at the 8-week scan, and the bean was measuring right according to my LMP.
The weeks went on, and it was all looking really well. I had lots of symptoms, awful ms etc., and I slowly and cautiously started to believe that this might actually happen. Got the maternity clothes out of the loft, discussed birth options with the consultant and started making plans about mat leave. Great 12-week scan, everything looking really good.
Then my blood results came back, giving me a high risk for Down's Syndrome (nuchal measurements all good, but very low Papp-A). I tried the Harmony test twice because I wanted to avoid an invasive procedure, but it failed, so we decided to have an amniocentesis.
I was so confident that the outcome would be good that I was not overly worried when the midwife couldn't find a heartbeat at my 16 week check (she assured me she had heard movements). Then went in last Monday for the amnio, but they never got round to it - there was no heartbeat anymore. They think the baby died around 2 weeks ago. I had the medical management on Thursday, I would have been 17 weeks.

And now I am trying to come to terms that there will be no baby in October. I will not be going on mat leave. I will not get to wear my mat clothes. We will not get to make any announcements that we had been holding off for so long. My little bump has disappeared, leaving just a flab that I now have to loose again.
I thought I was safe. I thought I had passed all the milestones with flying colours, leaving the awful first trimester behind. I thought that finally, I could start enjoying the pregnancy, and so did DH.
Yet again, I am left with nothing, all the plans just crumbled when the consultant scanned me, and there was no heartbeat.
It sounds childish, but I feel really cheated. Physically, I am fine, it was all straightforward, no complications. I know the ropes, I know it will get better - but all I want to do is to wail 'It's not fair, it was all going so well!' Right now, I can't find the strength or even motivation to believe that I will be able to climb out of this hole.

Thank you all for your kind words - it's very comforting to know that there are people out there who understand what I mean.

mabel Yes, we have consented for the hospital to do a full post mortem, they should have the results in about 6 weeks.
But I'm rather pessimistic about this - they did the tests with my 3rd mc, and it was a spontaneous mutation, nothing wrong with me or DH. They will probably do more tests this time (I think), but there is nothing they can do to prevent this from happening again. My age (42) is probably the biggest risk factor here, but no one has actually said that yet.

It's been a tough week - sadly, mcs do not get any easier to deal with, regardless of how many you have had I am going to try to go back to work tomorrow - emphasis is on try, I'm wondering if it's too early. I feel fine physically, emotions is another thing. There is certainly enough to do, whether I can hold it together enough to focus and get it done remains to be seen. But work are very nice - I will discuss my workload with my line manager tomorrow, and it'll be my call to say if I can manage or not.

I finally worked my way through the pile of leaflets I was given by the hospital last night - miscarriage association, Sands, counselling service... Not easy reading, I cried lots.

There are a lot of support options out there. But I feel so disconnected from it all at the moment. I feel almost a bit guilty now for deciding not to see the baby, not getting any hand or foot prints, not wanting to spend time with it, not wanting to name it or to create a memory box etc. All the options were there, but none of them felt right to me or DH (we talked about it). I was 'only' 17 weeks, and I think because of the history we've had with mcs, we have tried very hard not to get too attached too early (worked better for DH than me, I have to admit!). We weren't going to find out the sex, and we had deliberately not thought about names yet. We wanted to wait until we could be certain we were in the green zone.
Now I'm wondering if it would be easier to say good-bye to my dreams if I had done all these things? I guess I will never know. I know there are many other ways and gestures to help to grieve, but I can't bring myself to think of any. For now, it really is back to taking one day at a time. Trying to think about if it really would be so bad if DS stays the only one... But it breaks my heart to consider this

Good to hear from you jbrd. What a week you must have had.

You may find it very hard at work tomorrow and find that it's too soon to go back - although I suppose you'll find out whether it's something you're ready for or not when you go in. Being at home and feeling strong enough can be very different from the reality of suddenly being in an environment where you're having to put on a 'face' and 'get on with it'. If it's too much, you must take more time off. You've had a significant loss and you need to look after yourself. (and i hope that doesn't sound remotely lecturing - i just hope you feel that you have every right to be easy on yourself and take a more time off before you launch back into the workplace).

And please don't worry about how you should or shouldn't be grieving - you did what felt right to you and DH at the time - I hope you're not torturing yourself second guessing this decision. You can mark the baby you lost in whatever way you see fit. Or not. But it's your decision, it's your grief, your baby, your loss etc so there's no 'right' or 'wrong' about it.

I'm glad you might get some answers from the post mortem, although I know it's a bit of a wait. But you might be feeling a little more practical by then so maybe it will come at a good time.

How old is your DS? Did he know about the pregnancy?

Do take care JBrd - sending hands to hold and all my sympathy across the ocean (I'm in US).

Lovely to hear from you, Jbrd. Please be easy on yourself, especially with regard to work. Like Mabel I'm sending you loads of sympathy, this time from less exotic Sarf East Lahndon. Xx

That is so cruel.

I'm so sorry xxxxxx

Still thinking of you, lovely. Good to see you back on the boards, and already back helping others - bless you. I hope you get on ok at work today, but if it's too much then take more time. As you so wisely told someone on another thread, no medals for being brave about all this.

If not finding out more about the baby is still bothering you in a few weeks then there may be opportunities at a later stage to do that - they will certainly be able to tell you the sex as part of the results if you want to know. The hospital chaplain would be a good person to contact if you want to discuss options for what happens once tests are completed. We didn't find out the sex with the baby we had tested, can identify with not knowing sometimes being easier, but everyone handles it differently and you just have to do what you think best in the circumstances at the time.

Good luck for today.

I am so sorry.

We too seem doomed to have loss after loss, I know how it feels.

Keep your head up op, one day it will happen.

Nothing I can say will make any difference, but I just wanted to send you love and strength to get through this the best way you can. I'm so sorry to hear this happened to you.

I recently suffered an ectopic so I kind of know what what you're going through although I wasn't anywhere near as far along.

Be kind to yourself and don't rush back to work. Give yourself to work through your grief xx

Jbrd, I am so sorry you are going through this.

I don't usually look at the mc boards anymore, but for some reason tonight, I was drawn back here. I had 2 mc, the first at 17 weeks, and the second at 9.

I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and that you have my deepest sympathy. It is completely unfair. I totally get the feeling of disbelief, because at 17weeks, you start to believe it is for real. I don't think there is anything I can say to make it better. I found doing things with my other child helped, because her demands kept my mind off it. You will find your own way to grieve, that is right for you and your family. Much later on, I found counselling helped, but I don't remember the early days much.

There is nothing fair about any miscarriage. It is horrible. I am truly sorry x

Well, going back to work wasn't too bad, it has given me something else to focus on and has provided -some- distraction... I'm currently on a work trip, returning home tomorrow, so there has been little time to think.
I have calmed down a bit, had a few wobbly days last weekend and at the beginning of the week. The sadness is still very raw, and I feel very panicked when I try to imagine that this might have been it for me, in terms of ttc and being pregnant. Feeling pessimistic about my chances to have another DC naturally, and my mind is going in overdrive, thinking about alternatives.

I am going to try and wait until we get the results from the post mortem, before deciding what route we might take - DH and I had a chat a couple of days ago, and we both agree that we don't really want to go down the route of fertility treatment. But I will look into NK cell testing, and we have tentatively talked about adoption being another possibility.
I am worried and scared about the future, wishing I could be happy with the thought of just having one... But I'm not there yet.

I'm so sorry x

Very sad. I'm sorry.

Am thinking of you JBrd. I am very sorry. I know that feeling of being scared for the future, it is completely overwhelming. X