eaten up with anger after second miscarriage

[sayitwithsam]

Hi
I'd like to know how those of you out there in the same boat have coped with anger issues after miscarriage/s.
I've just lost my second at 11 weeks and my first was in March at 21 weeks. My DH and I have been together for 8 years and have always wanted a baby together. We feel like we're being punished for something. It's harder this time around because when we lost our first we had trying again to focus on. This time around I'm taking a long time to heal physically because I picked up an infection at the hospital. We have requested some tests before we try again as well and of course that all gets organised at a snails pace. We are emotionally more fragile, we both fly from tears and just staring at the floor for hours to pure rage at all the people around us who are just floating through life on a fluffy cloud.
It's only because of mumsnet that I know so many people are going through terrible things every day. That's not the case with our friends and family, only one friend has stayed in contact with us. We were told today that my inlaws won;t be spending Christmas with us because my DHs brother and wife of one month want to go to them instead, also she is now expecting. DH is so broken up and his mum doesn't understand how we can't be doing cartwheels because we are not coping with our own lives. The attitude is that our babies are gone and we should get over it and not be so damn miserable. We are both so depressed that if it wasn't for loving each other so much we would have ended it all. May sound melodramatic but neither of us can visualise our future anymore. We're seeing the GP to ask for some counselling because we can't keep on like this.
I don't know what I want to hear...just that there is a light at the end of this ever expanding tunnel.

I have suffered from recurrent miscarriages and I wholeheartedly understand how you are feeling. I too will light a candle at 10am.

My lost babies live on in the parts of my heart that are not broken.

Thinking of you x

ArchieandElliot, I'm sorry for making my post completely about me. I meant to use myself as an example to say that the pain of the loss never really goes away and, like you say, no one apart from those who have gone through it can understand. Instead my post turned into a bit of a rant

Thank you, and also upturnj, for your kind words. The day was difficult, but not as much as the same day last year. I lit a candle, which is still burning. My mum, brother and dh all saw the candle, but no one mentioned it, not even to ask what it was for (which made me think they knew exactly what it was for but didnt want to start the conversation iyswim)

ArchieandElliot, I know dh hurts about the loss too, because of certain things he says in unguarded moments. But I think his coping mechanism is to bury it deep and pretend it didn't happen. I don't want to force him to say/do things that make him uncomfortable but I really wish he would do a small thing, anything, to mark the day. Oh well, at least my baby is remembered by his mother.

And remembered by us. I was thinking of you lighting a candle today. Don't apologise, mumsnet is for all of us. And a rant is very needed isn't it? I have been doing it for weeks!

It's sad they feel they can't even mention the significance of the candle which is the elephant in the room. You all know why it's there but no on wants to open the can of worms do they. My DH's family were the same when my sister died. They didn't mention her death once and when I brought her up in conversation there was silence. I know it hurts and it feels like disrespect to the life you carried and wanted more than anything.

I think my tact was a lot like your DH's. With the first loss I clammed up, I cried in private, I wouldn't speak to anyone and felt completely alone but couldn't let it out. This time I've not shut up! I hope for both your sakes that eventually he'll be able to talk through his feelings. My DH is really struggling this time. I'm going to talk to my GP about counselling again. I think I get what I need from here but he needs someone other than me to talk to so he can say what he means and not have to worry that I'll be there about to burst into tears.

The anniversary of my first babys death is on my mother-in-laws birthday so that will be interesting. I know I'll want to be alone to go and sit with the tree and light the candle the chaplain gave us. I won't want to be at a family meal with my DH's pregnant sister in law. I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.