early miscarriage feel bad about feeling bad

[kingfix]

I am miscarrying. It would have been only 6 weeks today and I have 2 children, so I should get a grip, right? Except I can't stop crying. Does anyone else feel like this?

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this. I had a MC at 7 weeks and cried on and off for weeks afterwards - stupid insignificant things tended to set me off wihtout warning. I hope you're feeling better soon (hug). Be kind to yourself, you certainly shouldn't feel you have to get a grip.

Thanks. Yes I start crying at anything - things completely unrelated to children or pregnancy. Oddly enough seeing babies cheers me up.
I'm sorry to hear about your MC.

No, you don't have to get a grip. It's a really sad thing to have happened - you've lost a tiny life, and you're well within your rights to cry. Let yourself grieve - don't fight it.

kingfix I am sadly in the exact same boat. I am/have miscarried and would have been 7 weeks last thursday. I also have 2 kids . Im finding it v v hard to "get a grip" at the moment, though I know exactly what you mean.

I feel strangulated with grief sometimes. . Little things keep setting me off too. Its an utterly crap time.

Im trying to be kind to myself and trying to take things slowly.

Its v v hard though. Im here if you want to chat too, I dunno, maybe it would help?

Dont forget your hormones are all over the place too, and it will be a good while before they settle down.

You have been/are going through something very difficult emotionally and physically and its going to take some time before you feel like you "have a grip"

I miscarried recently and I have a son, lots of well intentioned people told me "at least you are mother already" My son IS a great comfort, but I dont think that mothers who miscarry are any less entitled to the sympathy, time and support that is needed for healing.

Just take one day at a time, and be kind to yourself.

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sorry to hear so many are in the same situations, and thanks for being so kind to me!
Sorry if it's too painful to think about. I am finding the physical experience very hard too but the expectation from my family is that it's just like a period. It's not that they are unsympatheitc at all, but it is almost like they forget about it until they find me crying in bed again. I also feel bad for DH - he was just getting used to the idea of having a 3rd child, when we aren't any more.
Have any of you miscarried before? I have, also at 6 weeks. That time I dealt with the grief by frantically trying to get pregnant again. Luckily for me, I got pregnant with DC2 quite soon.
This time, though, the MC has thrown me into doubt - should I still be trying for another child at all?

I lost dd1 at 21 weeks in 2005 (she had anencephaly), and then miscarried in 2008 - it turned out to be a molar pregnancy. I had dd2 in 2006, and ds last year - each time I'd had to wait a while before ttc for medical reasons, and though that was tremendously frustrating, I think in hindsight it was a good thing for me - gave my body and mind a chance to recover. The physical ache to be pregnant was very strong after dd1, though - that was very hard.

It isn't like a period, though, is it? It was a little person, full of promise, and a new picture of the future, and losing that is very sad. i think fighting grief makes it last longer and become more painful. You feel the way you feel, and that's that - it's what you need right now.

Habbibu I am very sorry to hear about your losses.

Hi kingfix. I had an mc last year. I also have 2 dcs. I was devastated for months and was also in doubt about ttc again. After all I had two healthy dcs. I didn't even ever have an embryo (apparently one never formed so the egg must have been faulty but the placenta started to form anyway). I couldn't even mourn a lost little life as there had never been one. But I had lost all those lovely hopes and dreams. I was quite unwell afterwards so waited a few months before deciding we would try again. I am now the proudest mummy of dd2 and thinking about no 4.

Be good to yourself and allow yourself to grieve and then see what the future holds.

I think its really hard for family members, especially ones who have never been pregnant, to understand. They dont feel the physical symptoms of pregnancy, and its loss, 24 hours a day like you do. I got a shocked look of horror and sympathy from my husband when I blurted out that 10 or 12 times a day I had to go to the toilet and see blood and bits of dead baby falling out of me (sorry if that TMI). I am not saying that they dont grieve, but they are allowed the luxury of doing something else for a while and taking their minds of it, but if you have physical symptoms (or sudden lack of them!) reminding you constantly what's happened, of course you are going to be very effected by it.

It can really help if you tell people specifically how they can help you. Dont expect a deep level of understanding because only you know what you are going through, but are there other things they could do to make you feel better? Try asking directly, perhaps they will jump at the chance to not feel helpless.

Do you think that perhaps you may be grieving twice? Once for your recent loss and once for the baby you lost and never had time to mourn for because of your pregnancy. Although it may be very painful, perhaps you need to revisit some of those long buried emotions. It really is better out than in.

Finally, dont worry about your DH feeling bad. YOU are the one who needs a bit of TLC right now. When you are feeling stronger it will be your turn to support him again, but right now, its your time receive love and support from him, your family, friends and anyone else who will give it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

kingfix Ive never miscarried before. I can honestly say its the hardest thing Ive ever gone through in my 32 years, maybe Ive been lucky with this I dont know.

Ive never miscarried before, but I have had a much regretted termination a long long time ago. For me this current m/c is bringing up a lot of stuff to do with that. Guilt, frustration, the sheer unfairness of it all. Im also struggling not to feel that I deserve this for choosing to have a termination many years ago. (I know that sounds silly, but I can't help the feeling)

Im so sorry that you are going through this. But Im also really sorry for myself right now and probably cant articulate as well as Id like.
Take care and feel free to vent when you need too.

sunchild77,

I really feel for you, it is all very unfair. Please dont feel like you deserve this, nobody does.

hugs xxxxxx

I miscarried our second child at about 10 weeks and it knocked me for six physically.

I also grieved and cried and there were actually many emotional repucussions; namely me falling out with a member of my family and my dh having a bit of a break down.

So, though we only lost a bundle of cells, it wasn't just a simple period.

Take your time over you sadness; it's a proper emotional response kind with a massive hormonal change.

We now have another child and they compensate for our loss. But, my simple, easily managed miscarriage at 10 weeks wasn't easy for about 18 months.

Did you tell anyone outside your immediate family? I'm afraid it would be over-sharing. But I also want to explain why I am miserable and forgetful. And I want a shoulder to cry on - thanks for being this!

My mum did say it's just a bundle of cells, civil, but it didn't comfort me, either.

Sunchild, how are you getting on? Guilt is such a horrible and I think damaging feeling. I hope you don't feel you deserve this, you don't. I felt a slight twinge of ambivalence when I found out I was pregnant - happy, excited, but also a little anxious about how I would manage with 3. Now I feel like I didn't make the baby welcome. This is such a potty thing to say I am glad this is an anonymous online forum!

Hello all. I'm having a mc right now after six weeks. Sharing all the feelings expressed here already. So sorry to hear that you are all/have been in this situation. I don't want to hijack so please forgive me but I need some information. I have been spotting since Saturday. Knew since Tuesday morning (following a blood test) that this was a mc. Today only the blood started flowing and turned red (sorry if too much information there). I know that it must be different every time but does anyone have a sense of how long this takes before it is done? Is it like a regular period duration? I am so sad and tired already and I just need to know how long I need to get through. Sorry again for the hijack.

justabit, sorry to hear this.
Don't worry about TMI. I think it helps to know what to expect. First time I bled for about 5 days, it's been 7 so far this time. Very sorry if this is too much - but for me the worst part has been passing lumps of liverish stringy tissue - I dread seeing something recognisable and yet I don't want to flush away the embryo if it is there.

By the way, I phoned the miscarriage association and sobbed down the phone at them. They were very gentle and kind.

Thank you. Yes I really need to know what happens and all I got from the medics was that it is different for everyone. What you described is also what I am dreading. So maybe a week? How are you today? I was sad to read your op.

Im so sorry to hear of all the little ones lost on this thread.

Between DS1 and Ds2 i had 7 early mcs, the last one was over 5 yrs ago now and i still feel a little bit sad sometimes over it. A loss is always a loss what ever gestation it was. Look after yourselves.

TBS. 7 times! I can't imagine what you went through.

justabit I found these links really helpful, its describes what is a "normal" recovery, even though there are lots of variations within that.

www.pregnancyloss.info/descriptions_of_procedures.htm#natural
www.pregnancyl oss.info/recovery.htm

When I miscarried, the embryo was also 6 weeks, and the ultrasound report said that is measured 7mm, that really is very small, and I never saw anything come out as recognisably baby like. I was given a tiny plastic flask of formalidihide (spelling?) to keep stuff in in case i wanted to have it analysed later. I never did, but somehow it made me feel better knowing that there was a plan, something I was supposed to do each time I went to the toilet. If you collect the remains, you can always decide to bury them at a later time.

I really hope you recover quickly from this, and can start feeling better soon,

xxxxxxxxxxxx

This is so very useful. Thank you for taking the time to send these. The waiting has been just awful and I just want to know. Am going off to follow the links now.

kingfix

"My mum did say it's just a bundle of cells"

She is not saying that to be unkind, people says things like that to try to make you feel better. What they don't realise is that feeling better is something that will happen in its own time, but right not you need to be allowed to be sad for what's happened.

I'm glad you are getting support from the miscarriage association.

hugs,

xxxxxxxxxxxx

Guys, feeling rubbish for you all.

I've also had 2 MC in 7 months - one on my birthday and one on Xmas Eve, no less!

I haven't been coping very well of late - I also lost my Dad very suddenly 3 years ago and each loss just seems to compound the grief, as does each month which goes by with a period rather than a +ve pg test.

I'm currently having counselling at the wonderful www.miscarriagesupport.org.uk/ and for the first time in months, I can see some sort of future. It's taken me a while to get here and it's not for everyone, but I'd strongly suggest some more professional help for those who feel they need it, when the time is right.

Thoughts with you all x

So sorry for you all.

I suffered a MMC over 3 months ago. I went for my 12 week scan & was told the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks. I am still struggling with it now.
I also went through the whole "being punished" thing, as I had bad depression when pregnant with DS2 (due to bad relationship probs) & didn't want to be pregnant. He is 7 now & loved so much, but I felt I deserved for this to happen because of that.

It is a loss & you go through the same grieving process as with any other loss. I am now waiting for counselling through my surgery, but there is a 14 week wait!!

My family didn't really understand either. Mum thought I should be over it within hours! A friend came round to see me on the night of the scan & mum text my sister, saying "she is going over the whole thing again with her friend!" Like they were bored of hearing about it now!

Like you, I worried about DP & how he was feeling, as he was having to be very strong for me, but it really does knock the women a lot harder, so don't feel bad for being looked after.

Take care of yourself. x

Its been 9 days since i mc at home, i was 12 wks after trying for 6 yrs.i had a incomplete mc, which meant a&e, resus,haemorraging, blood transfusions, erpoc, and now total devastation.

Its been the most awful experience i have ever been through,i hate how i relive that horrific night over and over again. the trauma is bad but the sense of grief i feel is unbelievable.

my thoughts are with anyone who has mc, especially my mother who had 10 between me and my older sister, thank god she kept trying...and for the purse string stitch..i have imeasurable amount of respect for going through that all those times.

The feeling of loss that comes with a mc is something i would have never been able to imagine until now that i have been through one. even comforting friends who had mcs before now feels false and inadequate.

I wanted another baby for so long, ironicly i was already pregnant when i went to my gyne appointment, to see what the problem was. now i dont think they will help me for another 12mths.At 34 im so worried im not going to have another baby, and scared of having another mc,

i really dont know how to cope with the way im feeling.