3 hour tantrums at bedtime

[fedupwelshmum]

For the last month my 6 year old dd has been screaming for at least 2.5 hours every night before bed....saying she doesnt want to go to sleep...im sat here crying writing this after another marathon crying and shouting session i just dont know what to do.....im ashamed to admit that I shook her tonight i cant take anymore of this and im stuggling to keep it together...she is making up any excuse for me to go up or her to come down, from saying she needs to tell me something to asking for my partner over and over. I have been to the doctor today and its a two month waiting list for the psychologist. She is always moving her hands and getting so agitated at bedtime but during the day she is a lovely adorable little girl. I have screamed and screamed tonight i have no one to help me and I just dont know what to do, im scared of how i feel at night and how things are going, im getting angrier each night and dont want to be like it, please help any advice would be much appreciated I feel like a failure of a mum as i keep shouting, i know all she wants is a cuddle but she gets them all the time and its breaking my heart seeing her like this every night but if i keep giving into her its not going to change but I cant keep on like this

No CG as he stays a few times a week and is often here is the morning, she is very clingy to whoever she is with, she is always upset leaving her dad every other weekend but then is always upset if I go anywhere, she is very insecure but was only 2 when we split so I cant see how this could be a reason. She has been referred to psychologist as she seems anxious a lot of the time, she is a very clever little girl and says a lot of clever things its like she has too much going on her in head sometimes and cant switch off. She is very insecure about me leaving but no matter how much I promise her I wont ever leave it makes no difference

6.30 seems very early;I would definitely go for a later bedtime.

when she is anxious she touches her face, tugs at clothes, or my clothes, clenches her hands or just generally moves them a lot and cant sit still, i can be reading to her in bed and her legs and hands are just all over the place..it thought it might be adhd but she has no other symptoms, she is not aggresive and is doing very well in school the hand thing has been going on for about 3 weeks now

Could you let your 2 dds share a room? My 2 dcs went therough similar bedtime nightmares when their dad first left and for up to about 2 years after. Theyw ere only happy sleeping with me or each other. tehir biggest fear was that as their dad had left them that I would too. Sounds very similar to your dd. Maybe letting them share a room would stop it until they start feeling secure again and want their own room again!! I also let me dc listen to a story cd at night as it helps them hearing a "voice". Good luck!

well clearly it is about being left then - I'm just not sure about the laying with her whilst going to sleep because then if she wakes in the night you won't be there - unless you're happy to co-sleep, or a mattress for her on your floor.

Actually your ex leaving when she is 2 is something that could have affected her, or she could just have issues transferring from one thing to another.

I would talk through with her you coming back to check on her every 3 minutes or similar - perhaps it will actually feed her with reassurance that you will come back without her having to do anything to achieve that IYSWIM.

I wonder if this is part of a seperation anxiety with her.

It sounds as though it started after she had been on hols with dad.She is now old enough to realise that her parent is no longer living with you,effectively has left her world on a daily basis.
As a bright 6 yr old she would now worry that her other parent ie you could do the same and leave her. That could be why she doesnt want to seperate from you at bedtime,scared that you may go too.
I would go for alot of spoken reassurance and explanation why dad is no longer living with you.

i thought about staying with her until she is nearly asleep which would mean she could still go to sleep by herself. It just doesnt seem to matter what I do she starts crying as soon as bedtime is mentioned, getting her to stop crying is ok and when story is being read she is quiet but as soon as story is finished she pushes for another one or just starts crying and screaming all over again. Im willing to try anything

I think you need to talk to her about it before tea time about today we are going to do something completely different at bed time.

I would change something like her either sleeping in your room on a mattress on the floor or in with her sibling.

Go through how you are no longer going to leave her after the stories finish and instead you will be popping in and out of her room every few minutes so you know she is okay and she can see you.

Everytime she starts getting upset you can remind her - "remember we're doing it differently now, I'm not going to leave you - what is it we're going to do to make you feel better?"

Ask her if there is anything else that will help her feel better about you popping in and out.

jaffacake - i have wondered about separation anxiety as she is liek it when we leave anyone although her dad moved out nearly four years ago...she has always seemed to accept this and adores my partner now who I have been with for nearly a year. She has always seemed to understand about her dad and things are amicable with us and she seems him regularly its just so hard to understand why she is like this all of a sudden

At 6 she suddenly understands more, questions more, worries more, is aware of death perhaps etc etc etc

Thanks CG i am going to try that, i know my eldest wont have her in with her as she likes to go to bed early but will try popping in and out of her room until she is asleep..she just cant seem to switch off those and its like she stays awake to see me, she will try anything at all for me to stay and talk to her, its heartbreaking as she is such a loveable little girl...i know it will take time but im going to try hard tomorrow and make her feel safe

Ask if she would like a story tape/cd to listen to as well.

Sounds like lots of reassurance and tlc needed. You must be at your whits end. I really hope it goes well.

Have you asked her what it is that she gets so upset about? When she is calm in the daytime would be a good time to talk to her. She might not tell you or she might not know herself, but if you can get her to tell you (or ask her to draw a picture of how she feels when it is bedtime?) - I know this sounds a bit "woo" but it might help her feel better (that she is being listened to) and might give you an insight into the problem from her point of view.

Then whether this has helped or not I would go with a gentle approach as some others have said. It will take longer than the supernanny type thing but will hopefully be less stressful for both of you.

I would either let her stay up and play quietly and make the evenings really boring, until she falls asleep or chooses to go up to bed by herself - obviously this isn't ideal if she needs to get up for school and is actually afraid of going to sleep since she will probably fight the tired feelings to stay up.

So probably the better solution is to stay with her until she falls asleep, keep this up until she goes to bed happily with no fuss. Then you say "I'm not going anywhere, I will sit in the room where you can see me" and sit and read a book or something quietly until she is asleep. When she is happy with this then you say "I will still be in the room but I will sit over here" and sit somewhere that she can't see you if she is lying down. You can give verbal reassurance but if she sits up to check you are still there just say "It's time to go to sleep now, lie down". When she is happy with this then you go for saying "I'm just going to go for five minutes, but I will be back to check on you." Check back on her every 5 minutes. When she is fine with this then increase to 10-15 minutes, then increase to half an hour, and hopefully after a few nights of this she should be asleep after half an hour.

You can pre-empt the drink thing by getting her a non spill water bottle to keep by her bed, unless she is likely to wet the bed, then this is probably a bad idea!

Another idea I heard which I thought was lovely was that someone said to their child "I'm going to put some spare kisses under your pillow, if you feel lonely or scared you just have to reach for them - and remember I am right downstairs." Then they kissed their hand a few times and pretended to put the kisses under the pillow. A bit twee maybe, but nice I thought

Niceguy, i have tried this before, just take her back into her room, put her on the bed, walk away, she just shouts and screams more and it doesnt seem to have any affect on her, she just screams a bit longer and a bit louder and the whole process takes even longer than before. Im worried there is something wrong with her that im not seeing

Thanks Cargirl, i think the same and maybe im being too hard on her when all she needs is some extra loving attention.

Bertie, the thing with her is no matter when she is doing, reading, watching tv, she never seems to get tired, until I tell her to actually stop she just keeps going and going and doesnt seem to need to sleep. Its like she keeps herself awake without even meaning to..

Even when she is eating she cant stop moving or talking, its like there isnt enough time in the day for her to say everything she needs to. its scary for a 6 year old to be like that...i really worry what is going through her mind, i have stopped her watching any rubbish tv, am very careful what she might see i.e. the news and am making sure she cannot hear any adult conversations that might get mixed up in her little head.

my dd who was/is like this had too much adrenalin she just didn't need sleep we just used to let her play etc. She is nearly 7 and usually is told to go to sleep around 9pm!

Obviously we didn't have the anxiety/screaming problems but until we sorted out the adrenalin thing she would often be up 3/4 times in the night wide awake thinking it was time to get up

May not be at all relevant but have a look at this site

www.inpp.org.uk/

do you leave her play in her room or downstairs with you??

The thing about letting her be downstairs was just that I had a similar problem with DS, who is much younger, (under 2) but it did work just letting him stay up. He did stay up until 1 or 2 am a few times, but we didn't have to get up in the morning, so in the grand scheme of things it didn't really matter. Now he asks to go to bed and will happily go to bed at 7ish, which is much better!

She used to play in her room then she learnt to read about a year ago and now devours books instead! We fairly often forget to put her to bed and she's still awake at 10pm reading and still gets up fine the next day!!!

We have a very small open plan house so between us downstairs and her is only the bedroom door so everyone is very aware of what everyone is doing etc etc Interestingly she also initially started sleeping much better when she started sharing a room when she was nearly 2.

We've never had going to bed problems like you've been experiencing though.

Niceguy, i have tried this before, just take her back into her room, put her on the bed, walk away, she just shouts and screams more and it doesnt seem to have any affect on her, she just screams a bit longer and a bit louder and the whole process takes even longer than before. Im worried there is something wrong with her that im not seeing

Things I would suggest are: try to get a good bedtime routine, make sure she is tired before bed, make sure she has a comforting object with her, star charts for good bedtimes. Next are lavender oil on the pillow, it has always worked with mine, I'm not sure how or why, but they do now associate it with sleep. I also got a CD called "The Magic Garden" for my son who was very anxious and had night terrors, it seemed to help (from Edinburgh techniques).

Reward her for little steps at first (staying in bed for 10 minutes, 20 minutes and so on, without crying).

Good luck!

How have the last few nights been? Hope there's been an improvement.