In court - with alcy ex and his insane mum

[notsohotchic]

Just need some support or experienced info from anyone able to offer it!
In the midst of a court case (contact) started by my ex, who is an alcoholic. His Mum and step dad had supported my side of the dispute all the way. Until March time when they seemed to have a sudden change of heart. Now they have decided that my partner (whom they had previously voiced their approval of) is a controlling person and bad for the 3 children.
I have been worried about my ex -mother in laws mental health for some time (part due to her anguish at her sons problem/s) and in March she began to launch a full scale attack on me voicing disapprovals in long emails and texts about my child-rearing and just about every area of my life. This came as a complete shock as previously her and her husbands support had been very important in my life. They were having weekly contact with the children, but since this behaviour I have also had the children report disrespectful things being said to them about me and also interrogations. It was hard to decide but I said if exs Mum didn't agree to mediation they should no longer see the children. She said that mediation was 'bollocks'(shocking from a social worker). Now she and her husband (who loves and depends on her so much he goes along with anything) are joining in with the court case (have made themselves party). So I am in court with all 3 and solicitors next week. My legal aid was revoked so I have only a friend who can't speak! Worryingly, the grandparents suddenly seem to be hugely supportive of my ex, who is still drinking but allegedly trying to sort himself out. The ex is thrilled to have them on his side and is now suddenly voicing identical disapproval about my boyfriend and me. Apparently I do not care for my children and it is all the boyfriends fault. Very very sad about all this, not what I wanted for my children ever.

Thanks for this posters, I am speaking to a solicitor recommended by a friend this week, and as I can get I.S. in holidays I could have representation for the hearing about ex's contact.
Am wondering: how do you adjourn a case and also if the others do turn up with solicitors at the hearing next week, can I refuse to take part on the grounds that it is not fair. Probably not, I know. Am feeling more confident.

People can change how they act overnight!
Op I had similar situation without the court, my XMIL and XFIL, who had been supportive and understanding, helping with Dc etc, suddenyl decided that I was spawn of the devil (funnily also coincided with a new DP becoming more involved)! They suddenyl became very supportive of XH, screaming abuse at me, undermining me to DC and interrogating them After a few nasty incidents, I stopped contact with them, now they only see them a few hours a month when XH can be bothered to take the DC!!
I would have happily continued contact but they ruine dit by being prats!
Spero trust me, it was nothing I did or changed, and DP was doing nothing other than being kind and generous!
Its funny how nasty abusive men seem to have toxic parents!!
OP best of luck but I reckon it will all come clean, and the truth will eb obvious!!

XMIL took me to small claims court (long story), the judge was lovely and kind, she came across very badly and he seemed to pick up on it straight away!

I'll throw my tuppence in, but more on kitty vs spero. I'm no lawyer. It is more expectations that determine how the outcome is perceived. A lot of people have complaints/gripes that they feel should be heard by the judge. They have a lot of emotion and feel so strongly that they feel ignored by the judge. And TV provides dramatic courts

Spero is right, judges (well MOST - NOT ALL) do make considered and careful decisions. But they take fact and RELEVANT facts into consideration. And that's where I think a lot of disgruntled and upset parents feel the court let them down. What they feel is relevant is not necessarily court relevant. (They may have biases but those tend to be more pro mum.)

Which is why kitty is right in saying get a lawyer/solicitor. Because if you get a good one, they will pick up what is important and drop the raw emotion.

Now notsohotchic: I'll be honest here, and not be judgemental or provide legal advice. From the sole original post, you sound emotional and a bit all over the place, and seem to be a bit controlling. Access is cut off unless she agrees to mediation? Can I postpone and put off because its unfair. I can't say how it will go, but if you represent yourself, you might want to examine what is actually important and fair.

All family judges I've seen are fair and polite to each participant, with and without legal representation, but they can be "short" with participants who are not prepared or respectful - I would guess they feel you are entitled to represent self, but be prepared or else get proper legal counsel.

Oh and as spero says most judges do have a measure of people appearing - perhaps from a long time of experience.

I seem to be a bit controlling?!
I have bent over backwards to maintain some contact with my alcoholic ex for the children. I also made sure that they got to see the grandparents when my ex said he wanted them out of kids lives. I have made these decisions for the good of my children. And sometimes that is not easy but you err on the side of caution especially when life has been disturbed enough for them already. And why on earth would ex's mother want court and not mediation? Surely it IS unfair to be there on my own when they have solicitors? Thats what I mean. They have all said they have no representation but I have heard otherwise.
But thanks for advice. In court I will try my best, use facts and leave my emotions out of it.
Macdoodle thanks it is so good to know I'm not the only one to have this hideous experience. And in court, they have surely seen these things before.

How old are the children?

notsohotchic: Maybe sounded a bit harsh, but it was based on a few lines of information presented above.

It is your life, you live it. The other side "live" their life. You go before a judge, and everyone starts to gripe. A judge can't spend weeks listening to he says, she says. And then the judge wasn't there, so can't make a call on who is truthful the most. A judge will also make a call on how you present yourselves in court.

They have to judge according to certain criteria. In Family court - what's best for the children. Guidelines say contact with both parents equally is the starting block. They may then for a variety of reasons move one way or another.

Lets say you have spent 20years trying to maintain contact, and this last year you've had enough. If you go into court emotively and say he's a drunk and waste of time etc etc and you lose the bigger picture. If you remain calm and explain that for 20 years you've been doing x,y,z and this year because of a,b,c you've done g,h,u, in a calm and reasoned manner then that's better.

So (extreme example) when one party starts down the line, that person called me unfit, and they didn't pay for the shoes, and their mother kept calling me names, and they feed the kids fish and I told them I don't approve of fish, and they don't put on matching clothes ...... and the other party says "well the children are in school and it would be unfair for the children to travel 50miles during the week, and the children have had xxx in their lives for all their lives and should continue to ..."

you can guess which way the judge is likely to go. That's what I mean sift the important information and try to leave the emotion out of it, because emotion will focus you in the wrong areas.

The ages: 10, 7, 5.

I am not going to bring up all the pathetic bickering in court. But I will have to show evidence as to why I stopped contact. Should I take the emails, printed out?

Should I take the emails, printed out?:

Hopefully someone with experience on that can advise. I know family court is more lenient on "evidence"

kitty, I am a barrister who has specialised in family law since 1998.

Solicitors don't just sit in offices giving useless advice. Not the ones I know in any event. They are audited fully if they want a legal aid franchise. I would be very surprised if useless corrupt solicitors would be able to practise in this field.

I think you have had a bad exeperience, for whatever reason. But you have to accept that there are other people out there who know as much, if not more than you and we are trying to help the op.

Op, if you have emails from the others that show them in their true colours, by all means bring them along. Judges usually want to be helped by any relevant evidence as they genuinely want to make the best decision for the children and (in my experience) they take their job very seriously.

I've had clients playing videos on their mobile phones which have been extremely helpful for eg one mother claimed the children were terrified of their father, but he was able to show the judge films of them playing in the park which showed they weren't scared at all. I am sure the mother genuinely believed they were scared but this was more a reflection of how much she disliked and distrusted her ex than of the reality of the situation for the children.

And this is the tragedy of family proceedings. Emotions get in the way of a sensible perspective.

Your eldest is old enough to speak directly with CAFCASS about what he/she wants and possibly the 7 year old. But the general consensus amongst child psychologists is a child under six is usually unable to express views which are different from their primary carers - because of course, such young children rely utterly on their primary carers

I hope things get sorted out for all your sakes. But I hope you can be reassured by my experiences. Please don't see this as a 'war' you have to 'fight', going for people's jugulars etc, etc. That won't help anyone. Judges see right thru hysterical allegations, they deal with these cases day in day out for YEARS and frankly I don't know how they stay sane. I do one case a day and get out quick and it gets me down sometimes.

Notsohotchic - sorry to hear of your plight. I've had some experience myself of the family courts and generally I'd have to agree with Spero.

Judges are usually very gentle and considerate if you do not have representation. Mud slinging is never a good idea - let your in-laws and ex do that and they will show themselves in very poor light especially if they do not have evidence to back up their claims. Judges aren't fools.

If you genuinely have your childrens' best interests at heart, show that. Try to find a solution rather than being negative. Focus on the kids and try to avoid taking it personally. You know you are a good parent and that will ultimately be evident to everyone else. Good luck

Another voice of reassurance about self-repping here - IME judges are very fair to people who aren't represented, and go out of their way to make sure you understand what is happening.

Have you had a Cafcass report already?