My baby's father has left me while pregnant. Any advice?

[LittleBeth53]

Hello everybody. Where to start?!

Well, I'm 24 years old & 5 months pregnant with my 1st baby. The father left me when I was 12 weeks pregnant. We were crazy about each other & totally committed, that is, until the day we shut ourselves in the bathroom together & watched that little stick come up positive. He instantly changed, right from the minute that the second 'yep, you're pregnant' line showed up on the home test. He sat in stone silence for 20 minutes, then walked out of my house & I haven't seen him since.

He wouldn't/won't return my calls, he removed me from his email contact list, removed me from his facebook, he won't see me or talk to me & left 'the break up' box of my stuff in my porch one day when I was out. He didn't even bother voicing the words out loud that he was leaving me, he just disappeared. He couldn't even reply to me when I left a message pleading with him to just let me know if there was a medical history in his family that my midwife needed to know. He sent me one single text message almost instructing me to "get rid" & when I sent one back saying that wasn't an option for me, he replied telling me not to contact him until the baby's born & even then he want's a DNA test. Even though we were in love, committed & the word "cheat" doesn't even enter my vocabulary, he just had to insult me that much further by insinuating that our child might not be his. It's like the love of my life so far, the only man who I've ever wanted with so much passion, the only one who's ever made my heart skip & my brain go mushy, literally turned into a unrecognisable, hateful monster overnight.

So now I haven't seen or spoken to him in nearly 3 months. He thinks our baby is an "it," he doesn't know we're having a little boy. He hasn't heard his heart or seen his tiny body on a scan monitor like I have. He doesn't know that the unfairness & depression of it all put me in hospital a month ago with stress induced high blood pressure. I was diagnosed with Takotsubo Cardiomyopathy which translated, roughly means, broken heart syndrome. My baby was in distress because I was, his heart was struggling & irregular, it was like because my heart was breaking, his was too. The father doesn't know that he did that to us. But I've just finished a month of bed rest at my parents place, a nice comfortable, stress free environment so I'm doing much better. My baby is now as healthy as can be at least. Thank god.

But I'm just scared silly now of what being a single mum will mean. I was legally advised to write to his parents, what with them being the paternal grandparents & offer an olive branch. I had to do this because I knew that he hadn't breathed a word of my pregnancy. I did this as I've only met them a dozen or so times & I didn't want to be slapped with a court ordered visitation request under the Grandparents Rights Act by almost strangers, I was advised that writing would give us the oppurtunity to become more aquainted & I'd feel more comfortable leaving my baby with them should they ever apply for visitation. They never wrote back.

I've been advised to get in touch with the CSA & get "what I deserve" but now I'm thinking, is it worth it? Even though I loved this man not too long ago & I'm still trying to box axay my old feelings for him, I don't want him anywhere near my son. This man who never wanted him will hurt him, not physically, but emotionally. He won't love him like I do & he won't keep him safe no matter what. He wouldn't risk everything for him like I would & he'd take him to people I barely know who might not feed him the way I like, or bathe him properly or dress him warmly enough or who might leave him crying for ages before picking him up. I'm literally scared witless of handing my baby over for the weekend or whatever to these people. It's got to the point where I'm thinking that if it's going to give him a right, I don't want to claim child support off him. I'd rather sell everything I have to pay for my son rather than subject him to a dead beat dad who doesn't love him.

So now my mind races every single day. There's a million other things to consider about being a single mum such as the financial strain, worrying that a man will never want me again now that I'm going to be part of a package deal & worrying over whether it will affect my sons state of mind not having a dad around. And I wish I could say my friends have been brilliantly supportive but they haven't. Someone once told me that most friends are fairweather & I've recently begun to understand the meaning in that. My friends like being around me when I'm bubbly, happy & the life & soul, but when something real is happening with me, like now, I go weeks without hearing from them. Even my so called best friend of 15 years. So it'd be nice to maybe get some nice words or advice through. Is anybody going or has been through a similar situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Even if I don't get replies or posts to this thread, it's been nice to vent because like I said, listening ears have been a bit thin on the ground recently!

Have a lovely day everybody, thank you for reading. B. xx

I was in a very similar situation (except instead of walking away and stonewalling me he stayed for over a month getting increasingly angry that I wouldn’t abort and then turning violent). So, my advice is:

• DONT put him on the birth certificate. You can’t unless he’s present anyway but even if he comes around after your sons birth, make him go to court to get parental responsibility,

• don’t contact him once your son is born. You will have a million things to be doing and it isn’t your responsibility but his, he knows you’re pregnant and can contact you any time. My guess is he won’t.

• if you can get counselling now or in the future then get it (I did almost two years later and it was great).

• if you can, even if it involves a few sacrifices, move near family or even in with them if they are ok with this and you have a good relationship. You mentioned how supportive your parents have been so far. I moved in with my parents during my pregnancy and planned for it to be temporary but actually stayed until my DS was almost a year old and I had bought a house. It was brilliant for my DS who has an incredibly close bond with his grandparents and it was the best thing for me as it stopped me being lonely and small things like someone making you a drink are massively helpful with a newborn.

• you 100% can love again and find someone. But it will take time and you will possibly need counselling (I did and subsequently met the most amazing, calmest and kindest man I could have imagined).

• your son will be loved and happy. I was told that during pregnancy but sobbed myself to sleep many a time feeling guilty that I wasn’t able to give him a decent father. Once he was here, hormones subsided and I left behind those feelings of guilt because I could see how loved he was by everyone in his life and how happy he was. I feel sorry for his biological dad because he doesn’t know my DS, but I don’t feel guilty for keeping my son safe from him.

He left when you were 12 weeks pregnant but also left right after doing the pregnancy test?

*I was legally advised to write to his parents, what with them being the paternal grandparents & offer an olive branch. I had to do this because I knew that he hadn't breathed a word of my pregnancy. I did this as I've only met them a dozen or so times & I didn't want to be slapped with a court ordered visitation request under the Grandparents Rights Act by almost strangers, I was advised that writing would give us the oppurtunity to become more aquainted & I'd feel more comfortable leaving my baby with them should they ever apply for visitation

Who advised you of this?
When I have read of this, its normally when there is already an established relationship, not to start access

@Theworldishard and @Kithic you raise some good points that I didn’t notice. I also didn’t notice the thread was old when I replied.

Either way, for the people wanting an update, I am not the original poster but went through something similar (as detailed in my post above) and me and my DS are both doing extremely well. It is possible to get to a good place.

When I was pregnant someone senior to me at work (who I hadn’t met in person and was telling I wouldn’t be able to take on their contract due to relocating after unexpected pregnancy etc.) told me that the same thing happened to their sister, she had relocated back to their parents after her boyfriend left when she was pregnant and 10 years on was very happy. They told me everything would be fine and I still remember their kind story and how it made me feel a little bit better.

I had no idea how old this thread was!!

Hi. I know that this is a really old thread but hoped somebody may be able to share some insight on how their story turned out? Is father involved now? Either way, are you happy? I’m really struggling with a similar situation. x

Because why does it matter? The biological father is doing nothing to support the mother or baby so why should the child and mother be subject to legal abuse?

The child doesn't care about a bit of paper

Hi darling I just read your post and i am going thru an exact same situation. I noticed that you wrote this post in 2010 and I just want to ask how did you do it? I ask god every day to give me strength to go thru this and I am so afraid i might develop mental problems because of constantly crying everyday all day.

indees It’s a post in 2010, your child will be 13yrs by now. How are you now?

I have just seen there are more comments here from people asking for advice/support. I am not the origin poster but as I said above have been in a similar position.

@mamagiorgio and @alexandraaaa my son is an extremely happy and well loved boy but no his father is not involved and has never actually contacted me since I left him in the first trimester. I now have a new partner (Same one I mentioned above and the only man I have ever seriously dated since having my son) who loves my son as if he’s his own and we have another child together too. I am thankful every day for all that I have but could never have imagined any of it when pregnant.

for me it helped to get counselling but even before that I had the mindset to not resent being a lone parent but think of it as a choice (technically it was as I could have aborted but simply did not want to) and think of the positives of not having a difficult ex to share my son with or to make decisions with. This helped me a lot.

I just wanted to say, as a fellow single mum to a 15 month old, prepare for your life to change - but in the best way. Your son is for life. Someone just for you, someone who loves you unconditionally. No conditional love. Friends come and go, but he is your flesh and blood.

I didn’t have many friends before my pregnancy and my son has become every single part of me. Everything I do is for him. I couldn’t give a toss about anyone apart from him, and it’s really the best feeling to be loved back so beautifully. X

I was in the exact same situation as you nearly two years ago. My advice

1. Do not put him on the birth certificate, once you do that it cannot be undone. Any legal decisions you make regarding your son you cannot make alone. He will be immediately granted 50% parental responsibility which means he will be able to control every single inch of your child’s life, he doesn’t sound at all as if he has good intentions or not. You will be making both of your lives hell. You cannot take your child on holiday without permission and proof of this from his dad. You cannot send him to whichever school you want. If he was to take the baby and refuse to return him, there’s nothing the police could do. You’d have to file an emergency court order and even then it could take weeks to get somewhere. It’s best for you to register him alone and if his dad steps up and proves he’s trustworthy and a consistent dad, he can then be added.
2. You can still make a claim for child maintenance whether he is on the birth certificate or not. Child maintenance will contact him and state you have named him as father of your child. He can dispute this and request a DNA - he is liable for the full cost of this and Child Maintenance arrange this. Your case will be placed on a hold and payments will also be back dated whilst this is underway. Should he not pay for the DNA or just ignore Child Maintenance all together, they continue with the case.
3. Should he take you to court - it’s a costly and lengthy process. Most dads don’t bother. If he’s self employed and ends up claiming to Child Maintenance he has no money, you will have him hook line and sinker just for being able to afford all the court fees. You can take him to tribunal with Child Main where a judge will review all his bank statements etc and calculate his real unhidden income and then issue the maintenance from then on. Also, court would be an even lengthier process should he not be on the birth certificate. He would also need to get a court ordered DNA test firstly to even proceed. He cannot use the one issued by Child Maintenance.
4. Cut all contact with him and his family. Do not beg anyone to be in your son’s life who doesn’t deserve to be there. It is completely their loss to miss out, it will never be your child’s.
5. He has done you both a MASSIVE favour. Could you imagine your son growing up with that as a role model? Someone who can participate in conceiving a child just to abandon them is the SCUM of the earth.
6. BE STRONG!!!!xxx

don't try to involve him if he doesn't want to be involved - it will make your life infinitely more difficult. Easiest way is to pull your sleeves up and accept that you are on your own.

You can't put someone's name on a birth certificate unless married