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Original poster

Advice for The Other Woman

6 replies

dunnowhattosay · 12/05/2010 11:39

I would appreciate PoV from both sides of the fence on this one please: Sorry, this is long.

A good friend of mine has two children (both under 2) with her partner.
Her partner is married to someone else and they have one child (teenager) together.

the chap - let's call him Ron - was married when he met my friend... let's call her Liz. He persued her with quite a bit of passion and she fell pregnant quickly. It was not planned, but my friend was very happy and, it seemed, so was Ron.

So, after the baby is born, Liz finds out that Ron hasn't told his family about her or the baby (he had told her they knew). All hell breaks out, Liz telephones Ron's wife. Ron's wife kicks him out and Ron comes to live with Liz. Now this (IMHO) is key: He DID NOT choose to live with Liz. More that his wife kicked him out and he didn't have anywhere to go.

Things carry on more smoothly and it looks like Ron and Liz will make a go of things. Liz sells her house in order to keep cash flowing (Ron's wages still going to wife / teenager). Liz falls pregnant again.

Over the last few weeks, Liz has been questioning why the divorce / financial settlement isn't progressing. She and Ron are chewing through the money from her house and she's getting a bit concerned about finances (she is no longer working)

it now appears that he may be having second thoughts about Liz and their kids and may be talking to his wife about getting back together.

I'm really in a quadary over what to say. Half of me wants to say: Well, what the bloody hell did you expect??? but that's not going to help her with the practicalities. She's, presumably, not got much of a leg to stand on as they aren't married? Can she ask for maintenence given she can't work? What obligations would he have to find her somewhere to live (she couldn't afford to buy the house she sold now and I can't see how she could get a mortgage as she's not working.

I've namechanged because there is a lot of information and I don't wnat to be recognised or linked to any other posts.

OP posts:
ChocHobNob · 12/05/2010 12:17

She will get no kind of spousal maintenance and he'll have no obligation to support her in keeping a roof over her head as they were never married. She will be due child maintenance either privately or through the CSA. If he goes back to his wife, the CsA would take Ron's net weekly income, take off 15% for his son with his wife and then Liz would be entitled to 20% of Ron's remaining income.

If he isn't back with his wife straight away, Liz would have to make an application to the CSA for child support, they would then have to drag his wife through them too and when all the mess is finally sorted out(which in complicated cases like this, could take a long time) 25% of Ron's net weekly income would be split into 3. 2/3's going to Liz and 1/3 to his wife.

traumaqueen · 12/05/2010 12:23

Regarding what to say - well, it's not really your job to judge or advise and there's no point anyway. Depends on your friendship. Has she asked you for your opinion? On what?
Sympathetic listening and tactful murmuring sound about right to me. She's going to need a lot of good old fashioned support. What a mess.

Niceguy2 · 12/05/2010 13:06

I have to agree with traumaqueen. As a friend I would prioritise support over your own opinion. It rarely helps anyway.

Deep down your friend knows she's in the shit. Its just a case of if she has the guts to do what is necessary now or bury her head knowing that either she is 2nd best or losing him when the cash runs out.

HanBanan · 13/05/2010 09:10

When her cash runs out, as he seems to have scrounged off her to be fair....

But yeah, support is priority and opinions later. Hard, cos I never know when to bite my tongue!

mrsmharket · 13/05/2010 11:54

i would agree with the support being a priority. i was in a similar situation to your friend although it differed in that x was separated and divorcing his wife when we met. i hope she can get the help she needs because it's not a nice situation at all

Mummiehunnie · 18/05/2010 18:58

Yes I would agree support her and don't do the I told you so as much as I am sure you want to, support does not mean to have to listen to her going on and on about Ron all the time, support can have boundaries to take care of YOU!

You can say offer her once a week an hour to moan about Ron and after that no more, stick to it and spend the rest of the time having fun with her, well that is what I would do, this situation is going to run and run and run for years.

I was under the impression the most a man can loose from his salary was 25% for children to be split three ways, with the two mothers getting the amount that equates to the child she has, your best checking on entitledto the government site for exact figures.

Ron's wife and his child from the marriage would have first dibs on his income as he was/is married, and the children your friend has come second in the eyes of the law, so Ron's wife and first child will have to have dibs on the house, spousal maintenance etc, basically your mate has no hope financially just some csa, and if Ron is the feckless man he sounds, he will most likely give up work and not want to pay anyone anything, what a silly pair, as Jeremy Kyle says, put something on the end of it!

As for your freind, she really needs to speak to a counsellor to find out why on earth you went with a married father in the first place, as she must have some issues to do that!

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