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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Lonely single dad wants advice and help

27 replies

Phil25 · 22/02/2010 17:12

Hello Mumsnet im phil25 a full time parent of 2 lovely children struggling with the loneliness and boredom of day time and evenings are there any coffee mornigs or get togethers in bedford which a single dad would be welcome to and also does anyone know a good dating site for single parent or where i can meet single parents who wish to date, i know this may sound strange but most of the women i meet get put off by me being a full time single parent and the ones that dont seem to be happy living on benifits and dont seem to want to go anywhere in life.

Many Thanks Phil

OP posts:

justallovertheplace · 22/02/2010 17:16

You know Phil, at least a lot of those mothers on benefits can actually spell it

MeMySonAndI · 22/02/2010 17:41

I think that it is not only women that are put off by a full time single parent, men do too. No wonder, really, everybody carries their own load and I have experienced it that being in benefits is far from being attractive. So, unfotunately, there's no way around it. More so because your benefits will disappear if you stop being on your own.

No diea about coffee morning or get togethers but there is a site for single parents that I found very useful: www.parentsalready.com. Nothing came out of it but endless very nice conversations with other lone parents who were as home bound as I am.

Original poster

Phil25 · 22/02/2010 17:51

Thanks MeMySonandI.Sorry for the spelling mistake justallovertheplace i am on benefits myself and there is nothing wrong in that i just dont want to be on them for the rest of my life and want to get a good job thats why im going back into education i just would like to meet someone with career aspirations is that to much to ask.

OP posts:

HerBeatitude · 22/02/2010 17:55

Join your local gingerbread group.

posieparker · 22/02/2010 17:59

How old are your children? Why are you on benefits?

Niceguy2 · 22/02/2010 18:09

How old are you mate? Am guessing from your username and your noble but misguided attitude that you are young (25?)?

Ofc its fine to want someone with career aspirations but you must also be honest and look at yourself. At the moment you are looking for someone with potential but offering little in return.

So if you are young, I'd concentrate on building up your career then later the women will come!

HanBanan · 22/02/2010 18:32

Yeah once you're in the workplace (p'raps you already are) you shouldn't find it too hard to get a lady. And as a plus I think women admire men who look after kids as lone parents. Hang in there and your time will come

MeMySonAndI · 22/02/2010 19:47

I'm not being flippant, I was in benefits myself. What I was trying to say is that men also feel put off from women who are in benefits (if they have careers themselves).

But agree with what everyone has said, you can only ask for what you can offer yourself. And that you will get a lot of respect by being a good single father who has the kids most of the week.

Original poster

Phil25 · 22/02/2010 20:03

Hello Niceguy2 im 25 and yeah poissibly a misguided attitude just a little peed of at the moment over relationships lol

Hi posieparker my kids are 3 1/2 and nearly 5 and im on benifits because i cant find a job for 16hrs a week but i do voluntary work for the fire service and the local council,im also going back into education.

HanBanan-Thanks i will try and hang in there.

OP posts:

Niceguy2 · 23/02/2010 09:43

Hiya. I was a single dad at 28 with a child of 5 and a 1yr old baby. So I totally understand where you are coming from.

Back then a lot of "eligible" ladies did not have kids themselves so were not interested in taking on "baggage". Frustratingly a few single mum's turned me down on the basis that they wanted someone without a child too. It would seem that I was doomed.

Unlike you I did manage to hold down a job thanks to a really understanding employer but after mortgage/childcare etc I was flat broke every month. Literally. My ex paid nothing. For some time I didnt even dare go for child benefit in case it triggered her to go for custody. Something which was not in the children's interests.

I did get a few dates and eventually found a young single mum of two like myself and we ended lived together for a few years.

I became single again just under two years ago. By then I'd established my career so financially better off. Being a bit older meant the ladies nearer my age were more understanding of a single parent. Without meaning to sound big headed, getting a date was WAY easier.

I found that most women had grown tired of the exciting bad guy who would shag/drink & gamble and instead were looking for the nice guy who would look after them and be a good provider. So if you can sort out a decent job (or prospects) you are all set as you already get a tick for being a good parent (not many dad's would take on their kids full time).

The thing I will say though is this. Look at jobs in the longer term. As I mentioned when I first started, there was nothing left. Nothing. In fact I would probably have been better off either going PT or even going onto benefits. But I persisted and took long term view. My kids day started at 6am. They were the first to the childminder/school and the last to leave. The guilt ate away at me. Life wasn't supposed to be like that.

Now though I have a good job, financially stable, we can afford to go on holiday and drive a nice car. The kids don't remember being left at school/childminders all day anymore but now they are older they now do appreciate the nicer things we can enjoy because of the sacrifices we all made.

So my point is (and in all seriousness). Concentrate on building a career. The women will follow.

kdk · 23/02/2010 20:52

Just want to say NG, don't know how old you are - or where you are - but you sound like a real nice guy! Or as we say down my way - a real mensch ...

aseriouslyblondemoment · 23/02/2010 21:20

kdk he's lovely
and niceguy we're long overdue a catch-up on msn,hope you, the kids and your dp are all doing good!

Niceguy2 · 24/02/2010 09:48

awww shucks you two! Making me

Yes asbm. Just ping me on MSN anytime you like.

WheresMyWaistGone · 25/02/2010 08:18

I wonder - is there a Niceguy3...?!

Niceguy2 · 25/02/2010 10:58

Yes! lol my mate's wife just finished their marriage.

Unfortunately he's still at stage 3 of the grief cycle.

He's one of life's good guys. Steady job. Responsible, confident (usually).

Just made the fatal mistake of thinking that if you give a woman everything she wants then she will be happy......

GypsyMoth · 25/02/2010 11:02

poor fella!!

thats the good thing about getting older....second hand men!

Original poster

Phil25 · 27/02/2010 18:27

Thansk NG for the advice and sort of taking over my thread lol

OP posts:

GypsyMoth · 27/02/2010 18:30

any luck Phil??

i'm in bedford...is there gingerbread here yet do you know?

Original poster

Phil25 · 02/03/2010 19:04

Na no luck yet TBB and have not found a gingerbread site but there is speed dating in MK in april so i might go to that lol if you fancy it let me know we could go as friends.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/03/2010 19:26

One thing that will really put a lot of decent women off is using your DCs or your single dad status as some sort of calling card. Also, making comments about how impossible it is to please women or mentioning friends who are now single whose wives were impossible to please. And being judgey about women who are on benefits and lack your ambition. Some women may have different priorities as a result of conditioning as they grew up -- it's still considered ok for women to devote their lives to the childcare aspects of motherhood. They absorbed that message just as you absorbed the idea that a man needs a career. Don't write women off unnecessarily.

Original poster

Phil25 · 02/03/2010 19:34

Sorry mathanxiety when i said about low ambition i didnt just mean in the work place i think someone can be abitious to be a great parent, the single mums around where i live dont wanna do either and are happy sitting around smoking pot in front of there kids,they also have no drive to live in a clean house (i dont mean untidy)where it looks like the washing up has not been done in weeks thats sort of what i ment.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 02/03/2010 19:39

That's not a pretty picture, you're right. Some of it might be down to depression though. Some of them might be overwhelmed, although pot doesn't help at all. But no, they don't sound like good prospects either way.

Original poster

Phil25 · 02/03/2010 19:59

Yeah thats the problem with depression its hard to find what it is that courses it and even when you do find it the next issue is getting out of it lol

OP posts:

ChoreDodger · 02/03/2010 23:12

I am one of those single mothers on benefits. I agree with Mathanxiety's post. I wouldn't smoke pot in front of my children.. but right now, I have one thing in common with you I guess. I wouldn't be interested in the kind of man who'd be interested in me (a woman with two kids and not a pot to piss in). Sammy Davis Junior syndrome? I want an equal relationship, but I don't want somebody equal to me... So I'm going to wait until I have a lot more to offer myself. Savings, both children at school, a part-time job, my social life back on its feet, housing sorted out....

dykwim?

Original poster

Phil25 · 03/03/2010 20:13

Hi ChoreDodger yeah i know what you mean and i think you have the right idea and im planning on doing exactly that.

OP posts:

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