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Original poster

My DD's dad is so unreasonable, help!

26 replies

CleosMam · 27/12/2009 19:42

after splitting from DD's dad when she was around 3 months, he has completely changed.

He has turned into a selfish, nasty little man, and is so unreasonable it does my head in.
Im still battling with PND and puts me down all the time and tries to make me feel guilty where DD is concerned.
He only pays me £50 a month maintenance which is nowhere near enough as i have barely enough money to survive
The only upside is that he does take her most weekends which i know a lot of dads don't do. the thing that p**ses me off the most though is the way EVERYTHING is ALWAYS on his terms. It's always up to him when he picks her up, when he has her, when he drops her off.
It annoys me that society has created this sexist view that the mother has the baby and the dad has it when he chooses.
He can phone me up and say "cant have her tonight, im going out" or "im dropping her off sunday" like going out on the lash is more important!
i can never phone him and just say "im busy tonight, so im dropping her off" or "bring her back at 4 instead of 5"

Why does he feel its ok for him to dictate to me when and when not to have his own daughter?
Why do men (mostly) end up with the control in these situations.
He uses our daughter like a weapon against me to make me feel guilty and so he can drop her off when he knows im very very busy out of spite.
Its not fair on our DD, and its not fair on me.

ARRRRGGGGG help!

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 19:46

a defined contact order would certainly prevent this,but i wouldn't advocate going down that road

as she gets older,other issues will crop up. with school along comes party invites ,extra activities,friends etc....things will change but communication will be needed

i'd pick your battles
£50 is not a bad amount,what does csa calculator say it should be?

Janos · 27/12/2009 19:56

Feel for you Cleosmam. It's hard enough with being on your own and battling with PND.

It certainly sounds like he is being selfish at the moment.

What kind of contact do you have with your ex at the moment?

Original poster
CleosMam · 27/12/2009 20:56

the CSA calc says it should be £15 a week, because he doesnt earn much (around 600p/a), but he has extremely rich parents who give him £450 a month and he gets a student loan and bursarys, plus he lives with his parents so he has NO outgoings. im very good with money and i still have to borrow every week to make ends meet. people are always asking me the secret to my size 8 figure (which i actually hate) so soon after having a baby, its because i dont have enough food half the time :/

we dont have much contact really. the weird thing is is we get on really well most of the time, and even hang out for a few hours after he drops DD off, but the second he doesnt like something i say he flips! hes just your typical spoilt brat, with an added case of small man syndrome lol

the PND's getting much better, but now my doctors diagnosed me with stress!! i mean FFS grrrrrr! promise me things get easier?

OP posts:
Earlybird · 27/12/2009 20:57

how old is your dd?

Original poster
CleosMam · 27/12/2009 21:03

shes 9 months now and a clever little sod i might add

OP posts:
GypsyMoth · 27/12/2009 21:12

I'm sorry. I can't see where he's going wrong here....just ignore any comments you take offence with. Really, it's a long road ahead, pick your battles wisely.

Original poster
CleosMam · 27/12/2009 21:24

well, the fact that hes completely unreasonable, spiteful and nasty!

i wont just ignore the things he says to me to make things easier, i also wont be controlled by him using my daughter! i certainly wont be controlled by someone who is the one person in this world with the least amount of right to do so!

do you really think that me and my dd can live off £47 a week, £12 of it being the maintenance?? could you? coz we cant, i cant afford to buy her enough nappies, food, clothes, so i have to borrow money every week, which i cant afford to do but have no choice.

THAT is where he is going wrong, he thinks just because he has her two measly nights a week (of which his mother does most of the looking after while he goes out on the piss) that he can pay not nearly enough money to provide my daughter with clean clothes, food, nappies, heating, and electricity. its not like he cant afford it

last week i ran out of gas and electric and had to spend two days shivering under duvets with my dd, eating sandwiches by candlight and only after 2 days did he help me. and only because i have no one else.

so yeh, i think he is going wrong funnily enough

OP posts:
agingoth · 27/12/2009 21:39

£47 a week doesn't sound right to me Cleosmam.

And your standard of living sounds shocking.

Someone up the thread mentioned a defined contact order. It sounds as if you might actually welcome him having her more often (or is it his mother who would have her ) - could you put that to him and make very clear to him (and her if she'll speak to you?) that you want these terms set in stone i.e. no cancellations etc.

Put it in polite writing if you need to, that might get through to him?

I know it should not all be down to you to earn money for dd and that you are looking after her but are you considering working anytime soon? If he is studying could he or his mum have her while you go to work?

Hoping he sees reason soon for you.

Janos · 27/12/2009 22:30

The amount you are on does not sound right to me either CleosMam, not at all. That is a ridulous amount to live on.

Can I suggest having a a look on entitled to.com as I suspect you may be entitled to more.

No wonder you are so bloody stressed I would be out my mind dealing with all that, kudos to you for managing so well. But please have at that site I mentioned.

ninah · 27/12/2009 22:38

I would stop hanging out with him and try to keep things businesslike as to my mind it's when you try to be friends as well you are most prone to be disappointed

agingoth · 27/12/2009 22:46

true ninah- CM if you get businesslike and put stuff in writing etc it might just kick him into gear....
Are you friends with his mum at all? Can you talk directly to her as she seems to be doing a lot of the caring?

splishsplosh · 27/12/2009 22:46

I don't understand why you're on so little money
If you're not working you should receive IS, which is £64.30 a week, plus tax credits - as your dd is under 1 it's probably about £60 a week, and then you should also get healthy start vouchers which until your dd is 1 come to £6.20 a week for milk, fresh fruit & veg, then the £15 a week maintenance - are you claiming all this?

WeThreeNinks · 27/12/2009 22:57

splishsplosh is correct. And child benefit of £20 as well. If you have debts they can be restructured while you are on benefits. I paid a maximum of £5 per month when I was on IS until I was in a position to clear mine.

Original poster
CleosMam · 27/12/2009 23:03

OMG your right!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i never changed my tax credits from when i was with dick face!!!!! IM SO STUPID! i also never thought to sort out healthy start.
ok now i REALLY need to punch myself for being SO idiotic

and btw the amount i was saying was after bills.

OP posts:
splishsplosh · 27/12/2009 23:08

Also, at least some energy suppliers have a lower tariff if you're on benefits - that might be worth looking into to try and reduce your bills

WeThreeNinks · 27/12/2009 23:12

You would have been able to get this if OH left when DD was 2 months old and you claimed it within a few weeks of that happening.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/MoneyTaxAndBenefits/BenefitsTaxCreditsAndOtherSupport/Expectingorbringingupchil dren/DG_10018854

Maybe see if the CAB can help you get any of this backdated citing your depression and PND?

Original poster
CleosMam · 27/12/2009 23:16

you are all ACTUAL lifesavers. im actually crying im so relieved about this
THANKS SO MUCH

OP posts:
splishsplosh · 27/12/2009 23:18

Glad if been any help

WeThreeNinks · 27/12/2009 23:25

Me too. Hope it all works out for you and Cleo.

Good luck!

nappyaddict · 28/12/2009 01:51

Get CSA to assess his income so you get a fair amount of maintenance. Out of interest how old was DD when you first let her stay overnight? Is she breast fed or formula fed?

FluffyForLifeNotJustForXmas · 28/12/2009 02:14

If your gas/electricity are with NPower you can sign up to spreading the warmth scheme, if you earn less then 13k they send you vouchers towards the cost of your fuel. Have a look at their web site.

Janos · 28/12/2009 13:02

Glad to help Cleosmam amd good luck to you

If you contact tax credits asap you should get what you are entitled to in a couple of weeks.

ChocHobNob · 28/12/2009 13:47

Regarding Nappymum post : OP has already said they have looked at the CSA calculator to see if he is paying the correct amount.

The CSA only take into account his income. They do not regard money given to him from his parents as income.

Although, if he is a student, all he will have to pay is £15.

Good luck sorting out everything you are entitled to. x

ChocHobNob · 28/12/2009 13:50

Apologies, my past post was incorrect. OP, is your ex a full time student? Studying for more than 12 hours a week? If he is, the CSA would award him a nil assessment, unless he has other income, from employment etc, which was more than £100 a week.

Hando · 04/01/2010 03:54

God Cleosmums - how much easier things will now be for you with CTC each week. I bet it's about £60 a week.

Hopefully he will get easier as time goes on. Have you tried to be strong and tell him he cannot change arrangements at the last minute all the time (occasionally is acceptable in my books). If he calls to cancel just say you have already planned to go out, if he calls to say he's bringing her home early then tell him you are out of town and won't be back until the previously agreed time.