Feel so fucking helpless and pathetic - am I the only single parent who feels incapable of controlling/disciplining their kids?

[CJCregg]

They behave like angels for XDH. They play me up the whole time. I just want to burst into tears. Bedtime can take two hours, and I'm exhausted. I've tried bribing, threatening, shouting, ignoring, and it always ends the same way. DD (who is far worse than DS) is rude, disobedient and eventually bursts into tears and says 'sorry'. We end up having a cuddle and she goes straight into 'everything's fine, let's have a chat about something funny' mode as if nothing's happened. I know it's all about keeping me on the end of a piece of string but I feel I have no authority over her, she's just winding me round her little finger.

I feel guilty about breaking up the marriage, and am conscious of ex being very good with them, lots of fun and not much discipline. But it's much easier for him because they're generally much more biddable with him. I have to exert some discipline otherwise they'd turn into spoilt brats, but they really resent it ...

Sorry, this is going on far too long. But I get depressed reading other threads where other single mums seem to be coping with this aspect of lone parenting and wonder if it's just me?

Please help. I just want to cry.

Just seen this thread - CJ you just described our house too. Including the 2 hour bed times, and the "blah, blah, blah"
(I usually repeat what I just said, and retreat with dignity, btw.)
Laura Ingalls Wilders mother really gets to me, too!

The discipline is def one of the hardest parts of being a single parent. I think you just have to plough on consistently, and try not to let it get you down. But it is very wearisome when you are in the minority.

yappy - I booked a sleeper train at the end of our holiday, which I thought would be a big treat. Boy was that a mistake - they were wildly over-excited, behaved dreadfully and disturbed other people. It was an awful night!

Do you think that as single parents we worry too much about what other people think? I know that I do. I look around and perceive everyone elses children to be so well behaved and worry that mine are upsetting others.

I took my 2 to Portugal at Easter and that was a nightmare, the plane journey was horrific. My 4 yr old spent 3 hours trying to make the man in front make friends (he was VERY grumpy about it too!), he banged the tray up and down for most of the flight, they ran off when I was going through security to the point that they thought I was trying to get away and took longer! I daren't tell them there was a loo! I hired a nanny when I got there which was the best thing I've ever done, she was like a husband but better!

I think I approach everything with the attitude that we'll never do anything if I can't face it, but just recently I am avoiding outings unless there's a group of us. I hate to feel defeated. I have decided that I won't go on holiday alone with them again though, it's too hard and too lonely.

Well I live in a small town where everyone gossips about everyone else, and people are very ready to point the finger at me for having too many children, and having somehow lost my h along the way. I know that there is speculation about whether the children all have the same father, which there wouldnt be if he was still around. It doesnt help that we live next door to the worlds worst gossip.
I have seen family groups out and about, with 2 parents, a grandparent, an aunt or uncle, and one child. If the child does anything like riding its trike off the path, or shouting, all the adults jump on it, and enforce good behaviour. While my children are probably rolling in the mud somewhere, and making me sound like Joyce Grenfell, running after them shouting "No George!"
Also, we are in bavaria, where people are very ready to come and tell you if they think you are doing anything that they dont approve of. Because there are few big families, and until recently, little understanding of being a single parent, there are many people who will come up to you and criticise you to your face, for conforming to the same behaviour as a 2 parent, 1 / 2 child family.
So I am fairly sensitive about how others see me.

(I feel for you about the plane journey. Bognor next year??)

If it gets to much just leave the room and let them get on with it

I have learn't to do that since being a single mum for the last 6 months.

got to go

Hi all. Just had the worst marathon yet - three hours from 'let's read a story' to finally asleep. I've had kicking, tongue-poking, 'whatever', screaming, crying, 'my hand hurts', 'my foot hurts', 'I saw a firework outside the window', refusing to get into bed, etc etc etc.

Earlier on this evening I promised her a treat tomorrow if she was good tonight. I ended up showing it to her and saying 'look what you're now NOT getting'

She still didn't behave. I said if she didn't go to sleep I'd take her Halloween sweets away until she behaved better. I ended up taking them away permanently.

It's always 'my fault'. I am speaking 'in a cross voice', apparently - no shit, Sherlock! I tried and tried not to raise my voice, to stay calm and most of the time I managed it. But how do you walk away when she's in bed and all she's going to do is jump out of it again? I kept putting her back, she got out again. You can't walk away from that situation.

I am shattered and my nerves are shot to pieces. I love her to pieces but I really hated her behaviour tonight. I feel hopeless and out of control.

Bloody hell. What a rant - sorry, but I feel a bit better now.

I feel for you, and have had similar behaviour from mine in the past. I tell myself its because they are so intelligent and high-spirited
In this situation, maybe you ahve to sacrifice an evening or two, sitting in an armchair outside her bedroom door with a good book and a cup of cocoa, to make sure she doesn't come out? I have done this in the past, as it was getting so boring marching my children back upstairs every five minutes.
Also, it is very evident from your posts, how much this behaviour is getting to you - and I dont blame you! But as an outsider, maybe your dd is winding you up because she can see that she is getting to you?

it's very comforting to know it's not just me having this trouble - all our children are about hte same age so maybe it's just that, nothing to do with our parenting skills. My eldest used to be the same (and still can be at times) but he's the sensible one now, something I NEVER thought I'd say!

I had a calm conversation with my 4yr old and asked him why he had tantrums, and he told me in all innocence and honesty that he thought he'd get what he wanted! So that told me! I asked him if he minded that I was upset and he said (very nicely) No!

So I've changed my approach a bit and insist he talks to me in a calm voice, or I'll ignore him. Easier said than done of course!

The one thing that I've realised is that little children don't seem to bear a grudge or mind that you've been grumpy, they start each day afresh.

It's not necessarily our parenting skills, I find teh worst problem is that there's nobody to take over the discipline when I get tired. I am a team of 1, and the children are a team of 4!

oh my nighbynight, you have 4! I take my hat off to you. You're so right, we have no-one to take the heat off, or do the bedtime stint, or just maybe do the school run for us.

And that's got to be hard for the kids too, they don't have another parent to go.

I do have a babysitter occasionally and I make sure she gets here before bedtime so that I get a break from it. In fact it's worth getting her here just for that reason alone!

Just want to add that yes, I also end up a nervous wreck trying to discipline my dc's (almost 3 and 14mo). They haven't seen their dad since July as he has major anger issues, but my family do help out. I work 3 days in the week, but at weekends its usually just me and fecking stressful. I'm buggered if I know how to potty train ds while having to run around after little dd .

Mind you, I reckon a lot of us are just overly sensitive to what other people think and are doing a good job. DS had a tantrum at a friends house this week and she was amazed that he was having one as he's usually not too bad in public, I've obviously managed to get him to confine them to home until now .