What do you do if XP completely undermines your (plural, you thought) parenting decision?

[notevenamousie]

Today I took my beautiful 2.6yr old dd to XP, who she loves seeing a lot. He had been quite aggressive previously about where he was taking her, and taking her where I wouldn't know, but seemed to have relented so she has gone to his as planned.

I planned, he agreed, that she's ready for toilet training. Since last Saturday she's been gradually dry daytime and naptime for ~5 days and some nighttimes and I am so proud of her. We've had trips out and we took the 3+ hour journey to take her to him today.

And he stripped her down and put her in a nappy.

I am so angry, that he is messing her about, he says it is "not convenient" for him. What about her!!?? Am I overreacting??

I had a similar problem when toilet training ds2. Ex mostly had him at his mums at that time but they just kept him in nappies just in case. It annoyed me at the time but when he was completely dry they stopped the nappies. ds2 coped fine - although they did encourge him to use the potty.
Lots of nurseries keep them in pull ups during toilet training - you get there eventually.

You have asked he doesn't want to put in the hard work and inconvience it involved, there is nothing more you can do, except do it yourself.

dd will get there - with your help, it will help if you see ex as someone who spends time with your dd and not expect any co-parenting- if this is a repeat pattern, that way you get much less stresses.

I have had to accept this with my ex - he doesn't even know what school and nursery ds are going to despite many attempts by me. didn't go to any end of term events despite lots of warning yet insists I am stopping him being a good dad - I would love it - hate having to make all decisions myself but I so much easier if you don't expect anything.

Sorry for rambling - I agree with others dd will get there despite ex.

My son is three and a half and not trained and my ex thinks that's disgusting and due to my laziness. I just say nothing.

I've learnt that saying nothing is the most powerful thing. If you try to put forward your side all the time, it feeds the x's delusion that what he thinks of your parenting matters.

My x can insult my parenting, insult me, insult my parents, call our house dirty and I just zone out. It irritates the ckfu out of him, a hundred times more than if I said, "I have tried to train him, he's not ready and I know that because....." etc

Act like you haven't heard anything tha tyou can be arsed to reason with or argue with.

It takes a while to re-programme your hardwiring, but I managed it eventually (not in the first year after leaving, I still fell into the old traps of trying to get him to understand at first. Utterly pointless, just learn to not give a fucketyfuck what he thinks).

And I agree with the others, so long as children delivered back to me not thirsty, sun burnt or traumatised, then, ho hum.

personally i'd be pissed off not thru point scoring but purely as toilet training/getting them out of nappies is a big thing and one which you ultimately think thru before you embark on it so you get the timing right.
it's a case(from the way i approached it with my dcs)that once they're off they're off and everyone should respect that and help out.
i admit to only skimming thru the thread mousie but i'm of the opinion that ex can't be bothered to spare the time,and yes it takes time and is extremely tedious!
regardless of his thoughts/commitments here he needs to support you
always about if you need a moan!

Good advice from Janos and mrsjammi. You do have to pick your battles, as do I with my ex. It's easier said than done, though, and I do think some things - and maybe toilet training is one of them - need to be consistent for the child's sake.

DS's school advocates healthy eating all week (no treats - i.e. no cakes, crisps, chocolate, etc, in packed lunches) and a treat on Friday. So, at home with him, I try to do the same, and we relax on the treat front over the weekend. DS's dad - who knows this - took him out on Monday and bought him a burger, Slush Puppy and ice cream for a mid-afternoon snack, even though I'd packed up chewy bars and healthy drinks. I felt so cross about this. We have talked about it. My ex said DS was hungry and that's that. I do feel undermined though, and I think DS is confused with different messages from Mum/Dad/school.

So yes, I do agree with Janos and mrsjammi, but with matters like this - which can seem trivial and yet directly affect children in their day-to-day lives and contribute to them feeling secure - I think if you can possibly be consistent, this is the ideal.

Best of luck. I know it's not easy.

Agree with Niceguy2 on this, too. And yet, for your DD's sake more than anything, it would be great if you and your ex could be consistent with this. Toilet training can become a bit stressful when parents are on the same page, and if this regular tension is heightened, that's not going to help your DD at all. All this said, I realise you're doing all you can OP, and that your ex was aware (and you thought, supportive) of you doing this. Sorry you're having to navigate this hiccup.

Just a thought - have you thought about child-led toileting (it's not even called 'training')? It worked a treat with DS - he was never really 'taught' as such - and it would take the pressure off you and your ex having to be united in your 'training' approach. Happy to explain more if you're interested.