Things are rapidly going to hell in a handbasket, any advice or help please?

[youngbag]

Ok I'm definitely not a newbie and am known around these parts (so to speak). Some of you will recognise me from details I post so if you do please don't out me!

Reason for namechange is I suspect my XP has been spying on me.

Anyway,on with my dilemma. Some brief background:- I recently got residence of DS after a court case. I know some folk will think how awful, trying to take my son away from his Dad but that's not the case. Believe me or not as you like. The reason for all this is that XP was (and still is) a controlling, manipulative bully. It's impossible to have a reasonable discussion with him, as his idea of a discussion is basically 'this is what I want, I'm going to do it and if you don't agree then tough shit'. Or else he agrees, says what he thinks people want to hear and does what the hell he likes anyway. No-one else's wishes or needs are taken into account. He is of course very convinving and reasonable on the surface which makes him extremely hard to deal with and makes me look unreasonable.

I realise some folk will be reading this thinking eh? What? What you on about? Get a grip! It's very hard to explain unless you have been through it.

There are now wranglings carrying on over DS' schooling. He will living with me and goign to school near me. He's had such an unsettled year and his birthday is at the end of the year. After much thought and discussion and also at the recommendation of the court reporter I thought it would be best if his schooling was deferred for a year. XP has got wind of this and is kicking off like a good'n. I'm now getting the usual thinly veiled threats and toys out the pram rants. It's unbearable. People say don't let him get to you and of course they are right but it's so, so hard.

I'm also getting conflicting advice from all quarters about what is best for DS's welfare. It's all getting a bit much and I feel like no matter what I do, I'm going to be in the wrong.

Now, I don't have masses of support up here although I do have a couple of friends. Was chatting with one last night and she said somehting which really hit home. She asked me why I was staying up here and putting up with Xp's nonsense when I had a lovely family at home who could give me so much support (which I do). I'd move there like a shot if it wasn't for XP who will naturally kick up a huge stink - my family live about 100 miles away. It's 2 hours away by car/on the train.

Then of course there is DS. After an unsettled start in life he is just starting to build up friendships here.

That's hard enough as it is as XP is so difficult about taking him to parties/activities and has him for most of the weekend. I do stand up to him and insist DS goes to see his friends but its so DRAINING.

And wouldn't it be awful for him to uproot him yet again after all he's been through? He is only 4. And he loves his Dad to bits. It feels unfair to take him away from his Dad and I know he will miss him if we go.

Please help me make some sense of this mess, sort out what is right for me and DS?

Thanks Jumente you've given some great advice.

Surfermum thanks

You haven't thrown more confusion in my direction at all. What you say makes a lot of sense and you are dead right in saying that XP is NOT the sort of person to take things lying down as it were. I think you are spot on and he would see it that way.

I mean, he would see things as me trying to take DS away rather than getting some support for myself.

Like I said I don't WANT to take DS away but he is exceptionally difficult and unpleasant to deal with.

A happy mother makes for a happy child is what my hv said and it's very true.
As i've said before even though you feel he will NOT like this. From your posts I don't think he will NOT like ANY decision you make with regards to your dc.
So if you decide not to move because of his reaction, he may well react like you fear to any other decision you have to make in the future. So I don't think you will avoid any bad reaction.
So again, do what you need to feel happy well and supported because you have years of this ahead of you.

As an aside - my ex moved our ds 300 miles. I found out in court. The `reason' was her boyfriend had a job there and couldn't relocate. This later proved to be untrue.

I moved too and will be moving even closer within a year.

Like your ex YB, I'd see what you're doing as part of `the bigger plan' - with your getting residency and then moving. I'm saying this to help from a father's perspective.

I don't know your ex or your history so I can only base my view on what you've said here and personal experience. Maybe he is a complete arse - but can you honestly put your hand on your heart and say you're doing this solely for your ds' benefit or because it would make things easier for you?

stealthsquiggle - you make some fair points. On the other hand (and once again, I've got an eye on my personal situation alluded to above) that argument can be used to justify anything the RP really, really wants to do.

It can be used that way LD but in short it is a decent and valid argument if used correctly and in this case it sounds like it would be.

A child does not require two parents to be happy and secure. But a child DOES require at least one stable, happy and OK parent in order for this to happen. In some cases if the mother's life is being made hellish by the father it is probably best if she does whatever she needs to in order to provide this requirement for her child.

Personally I know I could not have coped if I had to remain in touch with my ex. Iw as falling apart and that was shite for ds as he only knew living with me and needed me to be Ok, which I was not. He is STILL suffering because of this even years later - the damage was done.

I feel sick just remembering what I went through when his father was pissing us about back then, and what a bloody state I was in all the time.

Now I am calm and I am trying to repair some of the legacy...but once a child has experiences that kind of insecure environment they don't always recover.

OP - not trying to scare you or suggest this is your situation but I want people to understand exactly how crucial it is that the mother (or parent with residency) is OK.

But youngbag is going to remain in contact with her ex. He won't disappear just because she moves. And if you move, youngbag, because he is so difficult and unpleasant to deal with, it isn't actually going to solve the problem because he can still be unpleasant and difficult over the phone, by email or in person when he collects your ds. And having more distance between you might mean more things to argue over.