Single parents and mummy cliques- do you find it hard?

[poshsinglemum]

When I first burst onto the mum and baby scene with my liitle one I was so deeply insecure about my lack of marital status and I may have said too much too soon or something.
I have now noticed that the group of mums is becoming increasingly cliquey and I feel a bit left out. I naively thought that I was ''accepted''
I have other friends in similar situations but I am fed up of being left out of the mainsteam. I have no deesire to join some snobby clique but neither do I want to be ostracised.
Does anyone have this issue?
It's hard enough for the average mum, let alone for us single folk.

Am I being pathetic?

Rant over!

I've been a single mum since ds (nearly 5) was 10 days old and in SCBU - his dad couldn't cope then and has not seen him since.

I am always careful about telling anyone I'm a single mum. Ime other mums either think you are to be pitied or a bit intimidated - 'how do you cope on your own?' - is common. I've made a lot of friends since I've had ds and a lot of that is down to his personality rather than any effort on my part. I still feel awkward about being the only single mum I know but I just try to get on with things, eg going to the school ball alone, etc.

To OP it took ages to get to know people when ds was little and the only close friends with children I had were the NCT ones. When ds started nursery it took a long time too because I work full time so my CM was doing the nursery run. Ds started school last September and I assumed I'd have the same issues. Interestingly it has been easier despite still not doing the school run. Mums evenings out are arranged monthly and ds is invited to after school playdates so I get to meet mums that way (we return the invites at weekends).

I think that SM30 sums up my feelings perfectly. I know whatever ds has become is down to me 100% and that makes me very proud.

I do feel proud of going it alone.

The problem is I made friends with a couple of women from my antenatal group. (I didn't do NCT) I thought we got on, but mabe I revealed too much about myself and now I feel that I have ejected from the clique. One person in particular can be scathing about other mums behind their backs so I am alos thinking she'll be like that with me. Not worth my attention I know.
I am hurt taht they would think taht I am a threat or not a fun person to know just because I am alone. I try and talk about other topics at our groupos when everyone else talks baby stuff 24/7.

Wow!!! PSM, if she does it again, burst out laughing very dramatically and say "have you been reading a box of Mills and Boon you found in the attic?" Ha ha ha ha...

chatty My x was very good looking and successful (in his career) but he wasn't kind or generous. He was selfish and uncompromising, and imo, just not a very nice person.

I accept culpability for choosing to become involved with a man whose best attribute was his looks though. Says something bad about me too.

If I ever get a second chance (and I'm not sure that I will, but that is less depressing than happily marrieds would assume) I will focus more on personalities and compatibility.

I've learnt a lot. But maybe it's too late to use what I've learnt in a new romantic relationship. Still not worthless the things I've learnt though.

posh I think that there's a kind of inevitable 'fall-out-' rate with baby groups. WHen our babies were 6 wks old, about 12 of us used to meet up for coffee nearly every week. A year later there were only 2 girls I could have a coffee with! Nothing to do with their lifestyle choices, just their personalities. Did we click? No, not particularly. Moving on then.......

Still in contact with a few of them though!

I don't know why people who are married assume we are desperate for a man or weeping into our pillow of an evening, for as long as I have friends I can most definitely cope and enjoy the freedom it brings.

It says a lot about the marrieds that they must be lonely in themselves to stick it out I guess.

I know someone my mum used to be friends with who still writes to me (she lives far, she has been writing to me since my mum died) - whereas she is very sweet she always assumes I am desperately lonely, unhappy etc. It just makes me mad!

After all you can be lonely in a relationship and to my mind that is far worse!

Take care and keep up the girl power one and all!!

Ooh one more thing, a lot of people assume I can't 'get' a man (whatever that means) because I am single, they assume I am struggling to find one or summat.

Luckily the only redeeming feature of my otherwise detestable job (thanks to recession) is there are plenty of single parents there! So not too much prejudice/wrong assumptions made.

Totally here you chatty! I came 'round to the idea a couple of years ago that we are all propelled by social convention into thinking, assuming that "meeting somebody" is the only happy ending. Well, if I stop to think about it, we (the children and me) are happier now than we've ever been, so what if this is the happy ending!? It doesn't frighten me. I'm not lonely. I've got loads of friends. If I did merge lives with somebody at this point, it'd be quite hard work, so it'd need to be worht it! they'd have to be absolutely lovely, and I can't visualise it.

You know, I really do think you're all hanging around the wrong people
I have never come across this attitude from friends (or even other people). Never. And it would shock me if I did tbh. WHy on earth would they assume you would be desperate for a man?? Or exclude you from things? I am truly bemused by it

People do assume it though littlelamb. I guess it's because a lot of married women are well aware of their husbands failings and if they force themselves to be honest for a second, they know that the relationship isn't exactly A+ either.

Many women cling to the relationship for the children they tell themselves but also because to their mind being a single mum is just the worst thing they can imagine..

I hear this ALL the time!! But I lobby the pity right back at them! People often say "I don't know how you cope". I ALWAYS say "everything is FAR easier now I'm single than it was when I was waiting for help that never materialised".

To pick up on something else that chatty mentioned earlier, to be lonely in a relationship is torture. It really heightens the feelings of loneliness and despair. I don't feel lonely now. I sometimes feel I could DO with company, but it's a totally different feeling.

Oooo I've been there poshsinglemum but don't think it has ANYTHING to do with you! I was a single mum from the outset and moved back to the rural (but rich) backwater where I grew up.

At mummy/baby groups met lots of lovely people many still friends. But an old friend used to invite me to the local NCT group when it was held at her house (I'd joined the doctors antenatal).

The whole conversation then was either about the last meeting (which I wasn't invited to) at "your house is looking sooo lovely now", the next meeting (which I wouldn't be invited to) at "you just have sooo much space there". I used to sit there and hate it until I realised that a couple of the other mums were squirming with embarrassment - I talked to them - and then.... never went back thinking life was just too damn short!

Some people do judge you for being a single mum - often women whose status purely derives from their husbands. I have a couple of lovely incidents when my ds was invited to tea at a wealthy new girls house (he's cute) on the my answer to the question "so what DOES your husband do" being "er I dun't 'ave one" landing on the mat within 5 minutes.

Who cares - find fun, interesting, intelligent women to be friends with and it won't matter if they are single or married!