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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

Divorce and changing DS's last name. (long, sorry!)

46 replies

bettyboo26 · 16/05/2009 22:22

Hi,

Would really appreciate some advice please.

Apologies in advance for this being so long!

Split with (D!)h about 10 months ago and want to start divorce proceedings.
No idea where to start!

We have a house in joint names with very little (if any) equity in it and an overdraft on a joint account. Also have a loan to a family member that I have been paying back since we seperated. (We took the loan so we were able to buy the house!)
I currently live in the house with DS and would like to remain here, if at all possible.

I think I would like to go back to my maiden name but was wondering if I would beable to double-barral DS's last name so we have the last same name(ish!)

Any advice will be so gratefully recieved.

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

ellingwoman · 13/06/2009 12:53

Ah. Maybe they've reached some sort of agreement then. I can't imagine our HT colluding if it wasn't legal.

MaggieBee · 13/06/2009 23:55

my children have a different sur name from mine and tbh, it's the least of our worries!

I have come to see it as their sur name. When I hear it I think of them. Not him.

SamK9000, that's very interesting though, wish I'd known about that at the time. My chidlren are 7 and 3 so I guess I've missed that boat.

Original poster

bettyboo26 · 15/06/2009 12:02

Thank you all so much for the advice.
I think it's going to be one of those decisions that take a while .
MaggieBee, I totally understand what your saying about DC's surnames being the least of your worries, just really aware that if I don't do it now, I never will.
Thanks again

OP posts:

edam · 15/06/2009 12:11

Sounds to me as if courts have yet to realise that wives and children are not the property of men any more.

Yes, surnames are an important link to your family, but why are courts so keen to ensure that's only the paternal family?

If parents split up, and one of those parents wants the child's name to be changed, the courts should compromise on BOTH surnames being used. Until the child is grown up and can decide for themselves whether to use both or either or something entirely different.

In the meantime, maybe we need some sort of campaign to warn women that they need to think very carefully about surnames when they register the child...

MadameDefarge · 15/06/2009 12:18

My ds has exps surname, which I think is absolutely fine, one because it grounds him in his paternal family, and two, rather more frivolously, it's a much nicer name!

I have spent years trying to get exp to get a PR order, pointing out he has absolutely no rights over ds if anything were to happen to me...not holding my breath!

lostdad · 15/06/2009 12:42

`Sounds to me as if courts have yet to realise that wives and children are not the property of men any more.'

`In the meantime, maybe we need some sort of campaign to warn women that they need to think very carefully about surnames when they register the child...

The courts have yet to realise that children have a right to both a mother and a father - and that fathers will be subjected to institutionalised sexism when they try to defend this right.

But I'm guessing you'd probably not include this in your putative campaign, eh?

Children belong to neither parent.

edam · 15/06/2009 13:04

so if children belong to neither parent, why do the courts insist children have the father's surname, then?

lostdad · 15/06/2009 14:02

The same reason they work on the principal that `children belong with mum':

Because they are outdated, sexist and out of touch.

The surname a child has is less important than their right to have a meaningful relationship with both parents I'd say too. If they can't enable the latter they have no hope with the former.

Original poster

bettyboo26 · 15/06/2009 14:10

lostdad, I 100% agree that having a meaningful relationship with both parents is the most important thing for a child and my DS has that.
DS's surname is an important issue to me and that is why I came here for advice.
The court system is shit and I am trying my hardest to ensure things remain amicable and we avoid going down that route if at all possible.

OP posts:

kel4mum · 15/06/2009 14:28

bettyboo26 How old is your ds? I don't see why you should change your ds name, your exh's name was good enough for you when you got married and good enough for ds when he was born, why change it now, just cos you want to get divorced. By all means go back to your maiden name but your sons name is what it is and I think it's would be unfair to change his name to make you feel better. But that's just my opinion.

I have 4 children, by two different dads and they have their fathers surname, and I have the same name as two of them as I married one of the dads. We are now divorced and i have kept my married name. I have told the children that they have their dads name, as I did when I was born, and that my name changed when I got married. I also told them that they can change their name when they are over 18yrs.

I think you should leave your childs name as it is.

Snorbs · 15/06/2009 14:52

I'm not sure that it's a court necessarily wanting the child to retain the father's surname because it's the father's name. I thought it was more to do with courts not wanting the resident parent to change the name that the child has grown up with and that has become an important part of the child's sense of identity.

Back when I was a nipper, one of my school friends' mum was a female version of a cock-lodger. Every time she moved herself, and my mate, into a new walking wallet's boyfriend's house, she'd change both hers and my mate's surname to match the new bloke's I think he went through at least four different surnames before I lost touch with him.

Original poster

bettyboo26 · 15/06/2009 16:58

Wow Snorbs, your poor school friend. I bet she had serious identity issues.

Kel4mum- I still feel my ExH name 'is good enough' for DS but feel it is also important that we too, share a name.
I think this will make things much easier for DS when he starts school etc.

DS is 18 months.

OP posts:

edam · 15/06/2009 22:26

As an aside, if your surname happens to be Brewster, it came from a woman originally (means female brewer - brewing ale was one of the few ways women could earn money legitimately).

lou33 · 16/06/2009 14:18

this might help

samk9000 · 18/06/2009 19:51

bettyboo26 i agree, i felt my ep name was good enough but i also wanted my son to share my name. i also felt it wasnt fair to my son because his father (haha) has very very little to do with him and his family are the same, my xp mother hasnt seen my son since christmas, never came to see him when he was born or when he was in neonatal, my son was at least 3 weeks old before she saw him, and she only lives 15 mins away. i also feel it isnt fair on my son to have a diff surname to me when he will grow up not knowing his fathers family. maggiebee, you can change your childrens names at any age with a statuary declaration, its also free.

floatyjosmum · 10/08/2009 14:52

i would say dont change it,
my parents divorced whilst my mum was pregnant and i have my dads name.
they divorced whn i was 2 and when my mum remarried she obviously got a new name!
it was straneg as a child to have a diff name and between the ages of 8 and 14 i used my step dads name for school even though it wasnt changed legally before reverting back to my dads name. (realised gcse's would come in the wrong name)

im now 27, and im glad i have my dads name, i dont see him and he was never around when i was growing up but to me keeping my name keeps that link with him.

Tamarto · 10/08/2009 15:02

I don't share a name with my children, never ever caused a problem, i'm not sure why you think it would.

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/08/2009 15:11

We are not splitting up but the dc's and I don't share the same name because their father and I are not married.
No problems for us - occasionally someone will know my name and say the boys names with my surname but I just say 'oh they are mini mrdadsname not mini flibbertyjibbet' and no one bothers.

My friend has been divorced a long time and just dropped the Mrs and never used Ms. If anyone asks her 'and is that Miss or Mrs?' she just says 'its Jill'.

Occasionally dp gets called Mr flibbertysurname...

ridingjoker · 10/08/2009 20:45

i never married dc dad. they have their dads surname.

caused me a problem at montenegro border on holiday... thank god the driver was friend who was a montenegro policeman and managed to get out through after couple of hrs. being stuck at 2am at a border with no baby milk, food or water left after a long and stressful journey with 4 dc under 3yo in the group was not fun.

so... yes it can cause problems. and its not first time i've had 3rd degree while travelling with dc.

have learned to take their birth certificates.

but changing their name is not something i would consider. their first names are very foreign as are their surname... would sound ridiculous with my surname or double barrelled.

its also an important link to their paternal side.

Flibbertyjibbet · 10/08/2009 22:05

Thats a good point to remember when travelling, ridingjoker.
My two boys both have my maiden name as their middle name, which might prevent any trauma like you describe...

but it was only done because my dad only had sisters and then only had daughters himself. My sisters all married, I am the last with 'our' family name and just wanted it carried on a bit, but without having the double barrelling.

Unlikelyamazonian · 10/08/2009 22:56

I struggled with this very issue BIG-time.

My H (we are not divorced yet) ran away abroad to shag whores just over a year ago and has not been in contact in any meaningful way since. My son was 6 months when he left.

He left me with no money job or income. His family have totally blanked me and have nothing to do with us. His brother died anyway last month so that's one 'uncle' I won't have to explain to ds.

I want NOTHING to do with this family or the surname. I am using my maiden name already and decided early on that I wanted ds to have my maiden name too. I re-registered him at the doctor under my maiden name and they didn't query this at all. My tax credits etc are all in my maiden name now too.

I am going to change ds's name by deed-poll when I have the time...for now I am making sure that he calls himself by my maiden name and that everyone else does too.

I know that I can't ever change his birth-certificate and that it will always be a bloody nuisance having to produce two pieces of paper when he needs to prove his identity for a mortgage etc. But this is a small price to pay for having no association with his nutcase pervert father.

Also, it is actually easier to change yr surname while you are still married! You can be called/known by anything you bloody well like I now know. I have telephoned the passport office and they say that if I post them my marriage certificate, birth certificate and current passport (which is in my married name) and a covering letter saying 'I now wish to be known by my maiden name. Please re-issue my passport in this name..' then they will do so.

Bottom line is, why should a fecker of a father pass his sordid stinky name on to my beautiful son? He pretended to be so proud that his son would be the only one to 'continue the family name.' Bollocks. I am raising him, I am loving him and I am doing it totally alone with not an ounce of support or interest. He is going to have MY surname and I don't think a court in the land would disagree with me given what his shagging, stealing, thieving father is up to.

The end.

Also, if I ever marry again - HIGHLY unlikely, I would not take the man's surname.

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