My son doesn't want to see his father. Should I make him go?

[trulyscrumptious43]

I split with DS's dad when DS was 2yrs old. The Ex had bullied me for years until I felt worthless. I'm ashamed to say that I didn't manage to leave him myself, he just got bored of me in the end.(And of course he found someone else).

Our son is 12 now and has had a chequered history of seeing his dad. Ex has, for years, insisted on regular weekend stopovers and I've spent many years watching my son being forced crying into his dad's car, because I was too scared of him to stand up for DS. Also DS seemed to come home saying he's had a nice time.

Now he is older he is putting his foot down and saying that he doesn't have to go if he doesn't want to.
But it has been a constrant strain that DS doesn't want to go there.
Ex obviously thinks that I am manipulating the situation even though I've told him that I would really like DS to spend a bit more time there. The visits are few now (maybe once a month if that).

The thing is that DS has some behavioural problems and is 'on the spectrum', so is very single minded and easily upset. He is VERY clingy to me, which is wearing, but I feel I have to protect him. The Ex is an overbearing 'alpha' male with an attitude towards society which is quite unpleasant.DS said today that he didn't want daddy controlling his life (which although I say nothing, I identify with)and that he doesn't want anything to do with him.

What can/should I do? DS is about to break another weekend date and I feel so torn.

I think him not telling you where he is going is very childish. The ex and I usually give each other vague details of where we are going like which resort. We don't go into details because we usually take a mobile with us anyway, and it's more likely the one with the kids would need to contact the one without if a prob on holiday anyway.
Have you tried talking to your son when he returns from his dad's about whether he wants to go again next time? That might give a truer picture of how he feels about visits there, rather than be a reflection of the autistic kids not liking change thing.

The Ex's position is that as long as DS is with him, I don't need to know where they are, it could be anywhere in Europe. I've actually rung and asked him, in the most casual of manners, where they are, to be met with silence and a change of subject. When I push for information he just says 'he's with me.' It has sometimes made waiting for DS's return quite worrying.

I think this time I was just exasperated with it all. DS wouldn't speak to dad on the phone anyway to tell him, and I had my mobile with me for the four nights we were away. It was the first time I have ever not volunteered the information.

Yes, I've tried talking to DS at all times of the visiting cycle, it's a subject that has come up regularly most weeks for the past ten years, and I make sure that I always speak to DS encouragingly about visits. In the past I have tried to set up the next visit in the positive wake of the last, only to have DS dissolving into tears all over the place as the day approaches, pleading with me to cancel the visit.

I'm gradually handing over the responsibility for arrangements to DS. He's just come off the phone this morning before school, having cancelled this weekend's visit. I feel relief that he is able to say that he doesn't want to go, but at the same time a lot of anxiety that a) I will be blamed for 'manipulating' him and b) that it is too much stress for DS.

I'm going to speak to his school today as he has had a bad week there with his behaviour. (And at home too!)

To be honest, you don't need to know - and from a legal point of view, there is caselaw to back this up. The principle that as a responsible parent he will ensure your (and his) ds is safe and cared for - and your knowing his whereabouts doesn't make any difference in that respect.

But forgetting the above, would you think it was reasonable if you had to account for your whereabouts to him?

Or would this be seen as evidence of his controlling nature?

Hi lostdad. It's not so much that I need to know - but it's pretty rude not to tell me where they are if I ask, out of interest. Can you imagine calling your child on their parents mobile when they're on holiday and being told that you don't need to know where they are? Bizarre, actually, I think.

However, the Ex often asks where we are if we're not at home when he calls. And I always tell him . I wouldn't dream of witholding that kind of information from him. I know how it feels - like you are totally disregarded and outside out your child's life.

No, sorry - case law be damned. It's not reasonable for either parent to take their child somewhere in the world and refuse to say where. Although if Scrumptious's ex-partner has refused to do so frequently in the past I can quite understand why it wasn't the first thing she did.

Lostdad, he doesn't sound like a responsible parent. He sounds like a bully. I'm coming at this as someone who thinks family law is often very unfair to fathers, but also as someone who can't bear the attitude that being a parent means you somehow get "rights". They're not rights, they're responsibilities. And if this man's child is afraid of him, that's something he needs to take a hard look at himself about, not stomp about demanding name changes, birth cert changes, access despite knowing it causes distress, and mediation which will come out of money which is supposed to go on his child's food.

I think the only thing to say to your ex is that he obviously needs to rethink his relationship with your son - that at the moment by putting pressure on him, he's forcing him away. He won't take your point and will probably assume it's all your fault, but all you can do is tell him the truth.

Don't get me wrong - things work best when each side treats each other with respect and regard them as an equal. And yes - I know one c**p parent makes that impossible.

On the other hand, there is no hope if both parents are playing games with each other.

I've only got personal experience to go on - with an ex who has done more or less everything to try to cut me out of our ds's life (including moving 300 miles away without warning and refusing to say where).

Don't think I hold a brief for any bad parent (male or female) - examples of bad fathers are the ones thrown in my face when people hear about my situation!

Truly, your thread could have been written by me a while back - EXP wouldn't tell me where he was living or give me a phone number despite the dcs spending half their time there! Younger dc and her df eventually fell out big time and she stopped seeing him. I spent a fortune on family counselling to try to get them back together again, to no avail at all.

With the benefit of 20:20 hindsight and rethinking all the good advice I was given at the time

• the situation between xdp and ds is a bummer; it's complicated and depends on two people who are not you. Whatever you do it is very unlikey it will change radically in the short term. Lower your expectations and learn to live with what you have to. It WILL pass.
• learn how to stand up to xdp. THis is one thing that will TRANSFORM your life! I promise! And it is something YOU can do. Get counselling, talk to your friends, start a new mumsnet thread. The thing that worked for me was time passing plus the realisation that he actually had no power over me - that the worst thing he could do was shout and bluster. Focus on this - it will benefit you and ds no end.
• encourage DS to see XDP but don't make him (especially don't make him if the main reason you are making him go is because you are scared of what XDP will do/say to you - I've been there, got the guilt!)
• give DS some space, and let it be his decision to see XDP. If he mentions XDPs shortcomings discuss them in an honest fair way: don't pretend XDP is either a monster or perfect

Good luck

Thank you !
I think I am doing all the things you list here missingtheaction...I certainly try my best, but it's so good to hear it from someone else. Especially the comment about all he can do is shout and bluster - I had been cowed by years over threats over the phone that if I didn't 'co operate'with him and make DS go and visit, then he would take me to court.

I don't think DS should be without a dad, but I hope one day he will feel big enough to stand on his own two feet and deal with the situation with confidence.

My son is nearly 6 he doesn't want to see his father and he's blaming me for it what do I do

I would be wary of encouraging this clingy behaviour.

Is DS not wanting to go to dad, or is DS not wanting to leave mum? That's a very distinct difference, and changes things completely.

Also as said above, you don't need to know where ex is with DS.

Imagine it from the opposite point of view. If your ex constantly asked you where you were, and what you were doing with DS then you can see the issue. There has to be a level of trust, if that trust isn't there because you worry for DS's safety then that needs to be brought up in court.

11 year old thread.