Replying to solicitors letter

[NutterForAnEx]

(I've namechanged just in case ex has tracked me down here)

A bit of background - ex moved out a couple of years ago after I got fed up of living with a boozer. After a lot of messing around, contact between him and the DCs settled down to Saturday afternoon at his house. The DCs don't stay overnight with him because he can't be trusted to stay sober (we tried it and he got rat-faced and the kids ended up calling me to rescue them ) He turns up more often than not but still misses a lot of days.

Anyway, a solicitor has just written to me saying that the ex wants to see the kids more and have them overnight too. Part of me wants to write back saying "over my dead body, numbnuts" but anyone got any better ideas?

I can't afford a solicitor but I earn too much for legal aid so I was thinking of saying "If your client wants to see the kids more than he does at present, he can do that by remembering to turn up for the contact he's already got." Obviously I'll write it a bit neater than that but how does that sound?

all Im saying is that there is the risk of venting in front of child, that's all, even if ex is a drunken arse.

sunshine13, there is no risk of me venting in front of children. I have more self-control than that.

Seems to me, though, that you're saying lots of things without reading the posts properly, and then backing away from what you have said without any justification. Which strikes me as somewhat odd.

Out of interest, sunshine13, what's your experience of contact problems and/or the issues of alcoholism in separated families and/or anything to do with the subject at hand? Or are you just talking out of your hat?

Just to point out: It is actually ILLEGAL to be drunk while in charge of a child.

IMO, OP is absolutely doing the right thing by denying overnight contact when it is PROBABLE that her ex will be drunk. To allow overnight contact would possibly result in:

1. children being put at risk
2. OP being complicit in a crime
3. OP opening herself up to accusations of 'failure to protect', which can result in children being removed.

It's a no brainer. This is not an issue about warring parents using contact as a weapon. This is about child welfare.

Just to clarify about the ILLEGAL point, before people start taking offence and think I mean being a bit tipsy after a good night out and sending the babysitter home... Police tend to interpet this law on the basis of discretion. The above scenario doesn't really interest them. An alchoholic in charge of a 3-year-old almost certainly would interest them, however, I am sure. Alcoholics define the word 'drunk'.

Sorry to hijack OP, but I feel that this point needs making and that I, for one, think you are absolutely behaving in your DD's best interests and you are not at all indulging in games with your ex.

I can't say anymore than I already have really except, whatever axe Sunshine13 has to grind, please take it with a pinch of salt. They either haven't read the whole thread like you say, or they have their own axe to grind like I say. Notice I say "they". You are doing everything reasonable in the courts eyes. I was in the court system for 4 years and to some extent still am, no I am not proud of it. XDP took it to court and would not negotiate outside of court. I understand the court system but only from my one experience which is similar to yours. Do not hesitate to got via a solicitor if the two of you cannot sit down and talk. If he has a solicitor you cannot personally take on a solicitor at court. I work in a legal field but have absolutely no knowledge of family law. I couldn't have done it. You are bullied automatically with legal speak and you are immediately put in fear. The reality is not necessarily the case as I found out. There comes a time when you need to engage a solicitor because it becaomes too much. My XDP had a solicitor and for a while I got "free advice" on how to respond. When it gets to a point though a solicitor is almost always inevitable. Each letter you receieve is a dictate from your XDP. In other words it's only what he's telling them to write. Take no notice and get proper advice. You can get free first consultaions. Look up local solicitors.

Sorry not read all the posts but just a quickie to say spoke to a solictor about o/night stays cos my xp was threatening it and was delighted to find out court would not really considering granting these until kids quite old (8 onwards maybe). dont know if that helps your situation - i was happy cos my kids both under 3.
Remember too you are the mum with all the rights. Drag your heels if you need to and keep your reasons under your belt to use as amunition if it comes to it. Its for your kids best interests not to stay with a drunken dad from what your say so not playing dirty....
Agree loads of free advice out there. try calling a few sols and getting some initial advice free over the phone.
Best of luck

OptimistS, I have spoken to the police already and they told me that it's only against the law to be drunk with a child if the child is under 7yo (my kids are older than that) and you're in a public place. You can be at home, drunk out of your mind, and you're breaking no law They told me that I should speak to social services if it happens again but I don't want social workers poking their noses in. Thanks for the thought though.

Mumofagun, I think I'm just going to ignore sunshine. If this does go to court I'll have to do it myself as there's no way I can afford a solicitor. Everyone I've spoken to who's done it said it costs thousands and I just don't have that kind of money spare but I earn too much for legal aid. I have heard that you can get people to help you in court although they can't speak for you. I think their called 'Mackenzie friends' and they're people who have been through the court system and can help get all the paperwork together and take notes in court and so on. But I'm trying not to worry about that now. I don't know if the ex will bother going to court so I'm not going to fret about something that hasn't even happened yet. Thank you for your advice!