I have been served court papers.

[OnlyWantsOne]

Joy. Joy. Joy

feel like curling up in a ball.

(dont know if any one familiar with my pathetic life)

... not happy at all, why cant the twunt head leave me and my DD alone!!!

Also it is a very long drawn out process (I'm talking yearsif he persists and can afford it))and possibly one of the most stressful things you'll go through but you must stay stong for your DD. You need to make sure you have lots of other positive things going on in your life so you are not swamped by it all. You will come out of the experience a much stronger person and will not find yourself in an abusive relationship again. I am writing from personal experience. Remember the only way out is if your DD refuses to see him. I cannot emphasise that enough

... she's pretty clingy, I cant imagine that she would leave the room to go into a new space to greet a stranger.

Im having a nightmare, my DP (nm) picked me up jokingly the other day and tickled me, I squealed, DD went into one started shaking violently and wouldnt go near DP and kept shouting "dont hurt my mummy"

she must remember watching that feckless twat

oh, and Toomanysweets - thank you, for being honest etc, my mum just tells me what I want to hear and none of my friends have been through this.

I know how you feel...... Reay I do, I have 4 kids with my ex,he's not seen them for over 2 years now. Courts will encourage contact to be little and often. They build up a relationship that way,usually supervised........he'll have plenty of oppuftunkty o show himself for what he is. Insist on drug tests.....

He will be granted some access, your dd has the right to know her father,good or bad regardless of how old she is. My dd age 14 is refusing to see her dad, her choice at this age.

Yes ilovetiffany she may have the right to know her father but if he poses a risk to her safety then Only has a duty to protect her DD. The problem with the system is during supervised all the father has to do is behave, there are ways to get round drug tests and before you know it it has moved to unsupervised. The system DOES NOT protect children. In fact it is a bit of a joke really as myself and many other women in my position have found out so you do whatever you can to protect your children

cant I just run away (half joking, half scared emoticon)

Well, I really would run away.

Why subject a little child to a bullying man just because some man in some court says so.

I am in court every week for my job & the amount of young women, just like you, with their little children's hands in theirs, entering the judges chambers to get non-mol orders is heart breaking...

Only-your mantra is going to be 'DD does not want to see him' (refuses to go, gets really distressed, cannot be forced, too young, what does she remember to be getting so stressed about?) Forcing a child to go & see a parent who has been abusive in the past is child abuse is it not?
As for running away-he would eventually find you unless you left the country and why should you be forced to leave your family and friends, work etc. I thought about doing that but I knew he would probably find me & I felt I needed my family around me.
Do not agree to anything you are not comfortable with. Do not agree to supervise for example. You must convince the judge you are very frightened of him and the threat he poses to DD

some of the messages on here are alarmist and unhelpful imo... courts have a duty to consider the risks to a child where there has been domestic violence.... both direct risks to the child and indirect ones to the child through the mother being further harmed....if there is a dispute about whether there has been dv / or as to the extent of the dv then the court is bound to have a hearing to make findings of fact as to what has happened.... make sure you write down all the relevant facts for your solicitor... as much detail as poss, including the effect on yourself and on dd (like the incident you wrote about above showing she has been traumatised). if you dont think it is safe / ok for her to have contact then say so loud and clear.... dont agree to anytrhing you are uncomfortable with.... let the court decide. the new powers posters have been scaremongering about include the power (in theory) to direct ex to attend for counselling etc re dv issues / anger management.

v little will happen at theat first hearing i think.... directions for statements / cafcass report etc. in all probability...

stay calm and strong. good luck.

Your dd is far too young for the Courts to decide there should be no contact because she says she doesn't want to go.

A court will be very slow to come to the conclusion that there should be no contact and you must be prepared for the fact that the emphasis will be on embarking on some form of contact-observed, supervised and assessed.

What you need to do-if you say that your ex is a risk to this child-is to have a fact-finding hearing regarding his past behaviour. However, as I have said the Court will be very slow to conclude that there should be no contact-and whatever his past behaviour towards you, if he can demonstrate that this is in the past and all he wants is a relationship with his daughter, rather than to harass you, he will be given the chance to establish that relationship.

I understand the stress for you and this is probably not what you want to hear-but you need to know that the right of a child to know both parents is the bedrock of contact issues. This will be the starting point. Contact will be encouraged if it can be managed and assessed in a safe way-such as a contact centre.

good luck.

Having been in the court system myself (& you don't say you have any personal experience of this controlfreak) the reality is that contact is normally encouraged and if it 'works' in a contact centre than it will move, slowly to periods of unsupervised.
All the father has to do is behave himself in the contact centre environment.
Proving domestic violence is often difficult due to many women not reporting it to the authories (many reasons for this-ask Women's Aid)which means it is often his word against hers in court.Also how do you prove mental abuse? But you should write down as much as you can remember with dates.
Yes very little will happen at first hearing and it will move very slowly but this doesn't mean it will not be stressful and eventually contact will happen.
As for a very young child refusing to see her father. Contact centres will not allow children to attend if they are showing signs of distress going in. This I can assure you of Only, having had personal experience. A court cannot force this as I've said many times now on this thread in an attempt to reassure Only, not alarm her as Controlfreak states. I think Only stated my message was helpful

Controlfreak.......it's not scaremo Bering at all. It's realistic.

The Courts take the long term view that it is in their best interests and long term development to have a relationship with their father.

Just see how it goes.

You do not have to be in the same part of the public area of the court - contact the court and explain the situation, there normally is a private waiting area.

Once in court of course, you will be in the same room, but you will have legal counsel with you so it's probably going to be a case of avoiding looking at each other. The sols do the talking anyway.

As there has been no contact then the Court will normally direct that contact is initially in a contact centre and this can be supervised or non-supervised. If there is a history of proven DV then you would I presume mention this, but this is NOT going to be a reason for no contact. The Courts, quite rightly, take into account that even if DV has happened (unless the child has directly witnessed/been involved in it) then it is in the child's best long-term interests and welfare to develop a relationship with their father. Now, there are mechanisms in place to obviously minimise any contact between hostile parents.

Quite shocking and such an out of date attitude that the courts take the view that it is in the child's best long-term interests to develop a relationship with a father who has been violent and has a drink and drug problem. There is research which shows the detrimental effect on a child of having a relationship with such a father.

toomanysweets, controlfreaky is a family lawyer-as am I. With a child as young as this-and with no relationship with her father-it is expected that there will be reluctance/resistance to contact initially. It is expected that everybody connected with contact will do their utmost to make it as stress-free as possible for the child and give appropriate encouragement for contact to take place.

Courts are cautious regarding a father who is a proven drunk or drug addict-it may be that contact is not deemed in the child's best interests until the problem is dealt with-or it may be that contact has to be supervised-indefinitely.

However-just because a father has been violent within a relationship does not pose an automatic bar to contact with the child. It is the child's right to have a relationship/knowledge oof their father and as long as this can be managed safely and reasonably-the Courts will endeavour to make sure that it happens.

I am sorry that you have had a bad experience in the system. I can well understand the view that a mother who has experienced the worst that their partner has to offer is highly concerned about that person having contact.

And hopefully in years to come the courts will consider the research by psychologists (my occupation) which demonstrates the impact on a child of a father displaying anti-social behaviour rather than the blanket response 'it is in the child's best interests to have a relationship with the father'

tms, contact being in child's best interests is the starting point..... the child's welfare (in all the particular circs of the case) is the court's paramount consideration.... am indeed family lawyer as chipkid said...

tms, contact being in child's best interests is the starting point..... the child's welfare (in all the particular circs of the case) is the court's paramount consideration.... am indeed family lawyer as chipkid said...

There has been some movement over the years-in terms of domestic violence. When I began practice the existence of violence within a relationship was considered wholly irrelevant to the issue of contact. This is no longer the case and fact-finding hearings in cases of domestic violence are becoming more common.
However-domestic violence in a relationship is not determinative of the issue-it very much depends on how that person conducts themselves out of that relationship and in particular with regard to the child.
My father was violent to my mother, but once out of the relationship-he handled things significantly better. I would not have wanted to have been deprived of a relationship with him based on his treatment of my mother during their marriage-he was still my dad! warts and all!

But sadly there are men out there who do not restrict their abuse to their partners. They behave themselves in a contact centre and then it moves to unsupervised (let's remember how manipulative many violent men can be). The system is fundamentally flawed and there have been many cases where it has failed the child and not been in their best interests.
I came on here to offer Only some support not argue with a lawyer! My own family lawyer believes the system is out of date and as we all know the law is frequently an ass!

toomanysweets-I am not arguing with you! I wanted to give OP some perspective from the legal side as she was unsure about what to expect. I understand exactly where you are coming from-the law is indeed at times an ass!

Well hopefully she will benefit from everyone's input

Well , give these violent no good ex 's enough rope and hopefully they will hang themselves!! Now transpires that on one of my ex's last contacts, he was demonstrating to my kids the art of stealing from shops!!!! Eldest told me...... Now where will thAt leave us on his quest for contact I wonder?!!

Thought I'd let you know I am seeing soliciter later. Am going to ask about getting a residence order in place and a prohibited steps order to stop him snatching her from nursery.

What other questions should I ask?

Also, what do I wear to court?

ask what he / she thinks is likely to happen at court.... make sure they understand your position re contact.... ask if they have all info they need for hearing.... should you be writing down all the relevant history re your concerns?.. ask about the orders you can seek / applications you can make and merits of same....

wear what you will be comfortable in to court.... no rules. smart casual? ie you definitely dont need to dree up but will probably feel better if not completely scruffy!

good luck.