Do your children cry when they have to spend time with Daddy

[fairyfly]

Just trying to work out how normal it is. Apparently they are fine once they get away from me, but i feel so cruel making them go.

I agree with FF, I am really struggling to know what to tell my children about their father when they're older and start asking. I simply cannot tell them the truth, because I don't want to burden them with the knowledge. That's part of my role as a mother as far as I'm concerned - to protect my children from knowledge which would really upset them. I simply can?t understand parents who slag each other off to their kids? how on earth do they think that benefits their children?

I do know someone who impressed it very much on her kids that what their father had done (dumping them and disappearing without trace) was very, very wrong, because she wanted them to understand that contrary to the fashion at the time, it was plain and simple WRONG to dump your children (everyone else was just telling them that Daddy had ?moved on? and had a right to.) While I can understand her wanting to teach the kids right from wrong, I think there?s a balance between making kids feel bad about their parents and making them understand that some behaviour is simply unacceptable (as Supernanny would say). It?s a very difficult balance. And I think children can make up their own minds about their parent?s behaviour when they are older, old enough not to have their own identity threatened by the unwelcome realisation that Mummy or Daddy (or both) behaved bloody badly ten years ago.

Don?t worry HappyDaddy, I know you?re not an embittered woman-hater!

This is very interesting and something I've spent a lot of time thinking about. I am actually beginning to think that I am lucky that my ex buggered off and after a year of sporadic contact decided to make it a total break and went off to live in Holland.

At the time I was devestated and like some of you are asking wanted to know how that was going to affect my 2 dds who were only 3 and 1 at the time. The more I think about it and see how they are (now 5 and 7) the more happy I am at how things turned out. He would have constantly let them down and found something more interesting to do etc etc. As it is they have known nothing but unconditional love and security.

Having said that for me to actually be the one who made that decision would have been tough. It is drummed into us that kids need a father and I felt so guilty at choosing such a useless prat for my dds for ages. But I think if they aren't happy at going with him then you could say he'll have to visit them at your home until they are more used to him and trust him more. If he's willing to put that effort in then he means it - if not then you have your answer.

HappyDaddy I am really sorry about your situation too. I know that some women are horrid too - my new bf's ex is a witch!! I shall never understand why men or women slag the other parent off to the child. Anyone with half a brain must know that's uncredibly damaging for them.

I always stay pretty neutral to my dds about their father. I don't want them to see him in a rose-tinted specs way as sitting in Holland missing them but somehow incapable of even sending a Xmas card! I am not bitter when talking about him and don't really slate him but I do say he's not a good daddy and they deserve better (hopefully my new bf who is a whoel world apart from my ex - finally learnt some lessons!). I expect they will want to track him down one day and I won't stop them but I will try and tell them the facts in a non-angry way so they know what to expect.

Sorry bit more to add!!

My elder dd used to ask me straight questions like does he love me. That was a tough one to answer. I mean does he? Not in a way anyone normal would I don't think. But to say no would be so hurtful. I try and say in his own way but not in a proper way and that's he's not well - well I really think he is emotionally crippled! It's a tough one!