OK, THENEWSMONGREL, I've taken the challenge:

[TheSeriousOne]

here is a thread to discuss:

Why should it matter what the ex does, post divorce, after a clean break settlement?

Why should you continue to be livid bothered at his success; and shouldn't you actually want him to do well, as your kids will benefit from that even if you don't.

Discuss............

Perhaps she is bitter that he's better off than she is. That's not a gracious magnaminous way to feel, but at the same time, it is not completely inexplicable or incomprehensible imo.

I have a few ex boyfriends. I've happily let them go. Never think of them. Don't miss them. You get the picture. I'm not one for staying in touch or harbouring secret 'the one that got away' type feelings. Nope. Adios, cut the cord. That'd be my motto.

BUT....... this is the first time I've ever had a child with an ex. We brought children into the World with the full intention of SHARING the necessary sacrafices, and he has reneged on this agreement.

It's hardly astonishing that I feel that an 'injustice' has occurred. I deal with it, luckily I'm a glass half full type of person and I know that I have what's really precious but he's rich and I'm broke, there you go.

When an x-partner is the father of your child or children, they are still a figure in your life, whether they love somebody else or not, whether you get on or not. YOu can not erase your children's father from your past.

If ONLY we could choose our children's fathers after they're born! When we know whether or not the man is there for the long haul or not.

But I think that when a woman has had children with a man, it is unrealistic to expect her to regard him as simply another human being out there in the universe. And therefore to feel nothing when she sees him drive past her hovel in a Porsche.

what I don't get, though, is hopw you can be so angry at it, yet at the same time, so complacent in changing anything. I suppose that's what makes / made me think that (in fact) the settlement is / was reasonable.

For us, my DH's ex (I am sure) dislikes the fact we drive better cars, live in a better house etc., but there are major differences. I am very careful with what spend, ebay and freecycle as much as I can and have already gone back to work.

She has never worked and required full time help with hte children. Yes, we are differnet people with different needs etc., but it's unfair for her to bitch about what I have just because she's squandered what she had. An example: DH bought her a very nice camera. I bought myself a much simpler (but still nice) one. She broke hers and then expected me to give mine to her. THat just sums it up to me. I am careful with what I buy whereas she spends money like water and then bitches when someone appears to have more.

If you feel there is a serious injustice with how money is divided and you really live in a 'hovel' and he drives a decent porsche, then, sorry, but it's time to put up or shut up.... You can't bitch about him (well, you can, but it's not healthy IMHO) but refuse to anything to redress the situation.

I'm not complacent. It is not within my power to change things. I can't make him a good man, I can't make him meet his obligations or his responsibilities.

I left him because I couldn't reason with him. Well, I also left him because he was a physically and verbally abusive control freak and a bully. I left him after one final beating where he beat me up in front of my dd. I ran in to the bathroom to ring the police and he broke down the door and flushed my mobile down the loo.

The day I left, I left with a rucksack and a buggy and two children. He told me if i ever left him he 'fucking kill me', so I escaped. He caught me. He assaulted me once more, but at that point I was so determined to escape I would ahve crawled away on my hands and knees.

Because of his ongoing meaness and controlling behaviour(i'd given up my career to try and keep him happy) I'd no money, so I went to the only place I could go to. My parents house in Spain.

I did try to get money out of him, through legal channels, but he said if I did that he would take me to court and charge me with abducting the children from their habitual domicile.

So by and large, I accept the situation. I am not angry and I'm not complacent. I accept the situation and make the best of things. Like I said, I'm a glass half full person, and every night I go to bed, delighted that I'm not still trapped in that parallel universe where I didn't leave him.

Every day I feel a shiver of exhilaration that I did leave him.

But as little respect as I have for him, and as much as I can move on, the fact is, that he is the reason for a lot of my misfortune. But I deal with it. I sometimes vent on Mumsnet, but that's allowed I think.

I didn't want to HAVE to tell you my life story, but you shouldn't assume that everything's black and white and that YOU see the obvious solution and if I don't just fix my life and move on, then I'm 'complacent'!!

Obviously this story is not typical thank god, but I know now that everybody has their own story. Everybody has who has been left in the lurch has their own injustices to grapple with.

Well, firstly, I must say: congratulations for getting away from a physically violent relationship. i appreciate that it must be difficult to take the decision to run for it. I hold my hands up to the fact I have no experience of how it must feel (especially when you have young children)

I do feel, though, that that aspect must colour your judgement far more than any monetary aspect, IYSWIM.

For my DH's ex, though... yes, it is inexplicable and incomprehensible. When she got 'her' money, it equated to 86% of my DH's salary. She took 100% of ALL assets. He took 100% of ALL liabilities... so let's put that in English: She got the house, the possesions, the car, the furniture, the clothes, the pictures, the CDs, the vases EVERYTHING. He got some of his clothes (the ones she didn't want), a £12K overdraft and the mortgage payments. And he had to pay that off from what was left of thte 14% of his salary.

She has SQUANDERED the lot. We have worked EXTREMELY hard and been EXTREMELY careful. Yes, we now have a better house (and we ensure his two other children have their own rooms here and feel that this is as much their home as our other child), we have better cars. We work harder and take more care of what we have.

I don't give two hoots if she feels he is responsible for her misfortune, (he isn't by the way, you couldn't not meet a more decent man) she has no reason to feel angry that he has done well.

You ar right, everyone has their own injustices to grapple with, but the the one who ultimately ends up with less isn't necessarily the hard done to party.

So, now you have my life story too...

Sounds we are coming from very different view points.

I should clarify: When I say his other children, I mean the kids he has with his Ex. They are totally and always welcome in our home.

And, I'd also like to point out:

When they split: SHE got a 5 bed house. He got a rented 1 bed apartment.
NOW: We now live in a 6 bed det house, she lives is a 3 bed semi

Both parties have moved several times, but she has always moved downwards because she has wasted more and more money whereas we've saved and scrimped to ensure all of DH's kids are provided for.

We now pay 100% of school fees, plus extras, plus mobiles, Itunes, even bloody pocket money for them when they are with the Ex because apparently, the CS he pays (about 5 times the CSA calculated amount) doesn't cover that.

Thanks. It is true, his treatment of me in the past is harder to live with than mere financial matters. His not giving us any money is like the OPPOSITE of an apology. I could let it go better if he said sorry but his not giving us any money is more abuse of control.

But, it's no great shock that he gives us nothing. It compounds his meanness and controlling nature.

Did your husband's x lose the house? Maybe she couldn't afford the mortgage repayments? She doesn't sound good with money. Is that definitely connected to your husband having moved on without her though. People tend to be either fairly good or not so good with money to start out with.

But if I had a house with equity, I would take in lodgers and live in a caravan in the backgarden! Owning my own home would be a dream come true for me.

If I met a man whose x was like your husband's x, I'd probably be a lot more sanguine about it. That's honestly not meant to be as judgemental as it sounds, but I can't imagine getting annoyed with somebody that they squandered their money. I might think they hadn't the brains they were born with though But on the grander scale, regularly assaulted and abused versus self-pitying and crap with money!! I'd probably just let it slide off me.

Posessions, well, I had lots of them once and I had to walk away with what I could stuff in one rucksack. The ONLY thing I feel sad about leaving is my Oboe and my photos. The rest, I've forgotten it all. He can have my CDs and my books and my clothes. He told me they went in a skip. I don't know. I didn't want to appear too concerned.

IF I were you, I'd just let her get on with being shit with money. After you've handed over maintenance (if that was part of agreement) then your consciences are clear.

I don't hate men, but I suppose I do value and trust women and their friendships more. So I find myself empathising with women who feel 'wronged' whatever their story. It's their story. And it's not that easy to move on. I'm really trying.

I would love a 3 bed-semi. ah well. Maybe in the next life.

ps, I mean, I would only take in lodgers if I were in danger of losing the house. I wouldn't live in a caravan for kicks.

Hey!! Ironic, but I really agree with the whole 'letting it go' attitude (that's kind of where this started)

Now, yes, we pay the CS and the maintenence. We pay the school fees and the extras, plus the other stuff I mentioned (though that goes straight to the kids now, to keep it out of her mits). Above and beyond that, I don't much care what she does. I am bitter that she has squandered my DSD's inheritence, but as you say, life is too short

And, no, she was totally calculated about the first house move. She got the settlement based on what it would cost her to stay there, then sold the place WEEKS after the agreement was signed and moved somewhere smaller... it's gone downhill from there.

And, yes, you would get annoyed with someone who wasted their money and then expected YOU to work for THEIR lifestyle... Sorry, but you would.

You ar right though, she is still in a pretty good position and has no bills / mortgage.

She has even called us and said that she wants to borrow our car. When we asked how I would get to work, she profer 'get the bus' - and this from someone who doesn't work and just wants to tool around town..

Wow. She sounds like a chancer. Asking to borrow your car!? If you have children with her x husband, and her children are his children then I'm guessing they must be at school.

If she's not working even part time she must feel 'unemployable'. I suppose she has been out of the workplace a long time.

Their kids are in double figures now. She is largely unemployable because of her attitude. She needed full time help looking after the kids and was a huge hindrence on DH's career, cos she was always demanding him home at a moment's notice.

You are right though - your story coloured your judgement and my story colours mine. I find it difficult to understand how someone couldn't get a fair CO when my DH's ex got such an unfair one so easily (take, for instace: My Dh's ex said that she needed an 'emergency CC' in case she needed something for the children. The court agreed and my DH provided one. She ran up £15K in a matter of weeks. DH tried to argue that none of that was 'emergency' and the judge just looked at him and said 'It is you CC, you gave it to her, it is your obligation to pay for it.'. When DH tried to argue that he had only provided it to comply with the court, he was told to shut up...

SO, yes, I suppose I don't understand why someone can't get a court order... but I appreciate that your ExH doesn't sound like a compliable sort of chap....

She has, BTW, lots of qualifications, but has never worked.

Everyone is an individual and how they deal with things is different seriousone your dh sounds lovely and has had a respectful attitude to his former partner and his kids which is great. Unfortunately there are men (and probably women) out there who dont have this attitude and dont appear to care whether or not their kids suffer because of finance or emotional neglect from them.

It is reasonable in my opinion to be annoyed at injustice and whether or not they follow court orders they often dont follow a realistic financial one (which is made by the CSA who are completely incompetent) where women adn children are usually financially worse off.