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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

So how do i argue with an exP who says...

38 replies

mankymummy · 31/10/2008 15:23

...it is not his responsibility to pay anything towards the keep of his DC because DC doesnt live with him and so therefore he doesn't "get the benefit of him".

i have tried pointing out that he chose to have him as well as me but he says, "so what... you get the benefit of seeing him every day and i dont so you pay for the priviledge".

OP posts:

Anna8888 · 31/10/2008 16:46

He sounds incredibly irresponsible and immature. And self-centred.

If he lives in France, I think there must be ways and means of getting him to pay for his children. France is quite organised about that kind of thing.

Anna8888 · 31/10/2008 16:46

Is he French, btw?

Liffey · 31/10/2008 17:48

I've no advice, but just sympathy. My x has the same view. 'Pay per view' as LostDad calls it.

More bafflingly for me is the certain knowledge that my x does love the children, does want a relationship with them..... but... sees it as entirely fair that we're on benefits and he is not just comfortable, but wealthy. In fact he mocks me for my 'reduced circumstances' but doesn't grasp that he's feathering his nest off my back.

Liffey · 31/10/2008 17:59

ps call his bluff, ask him, conversationally, if he's heard of the REMO Act of 1984 ratified between most English speaking and European countries.

A Reciprocal Enforcement of Maintenance Orders Act. France is definitely one of the countries included.

Anyway, tell him you'll just take him to a local French court in France. If a French court ordered him to pay to a British citizen maintenance, then under the REMO, I think he would struggle to wriggle out of it.

Mumoverseas, are you about? Is this right?

missingtheaction · 31/10/2008 18:21

my xdh feels exactly the same way. breathtakingly victorian - children as possessions not children as responsiblities. happily our financial settlement means he wasn't paying regular maintenance so when he and she had a huge row and weren't seeing each other there was no maintenance (or should that be usage fee?) for him to stop.

Liffey · 31/10/2008 19:57

usage fee! ha ha!

1066andallthat · 31/10/2008 23:07

That is SO weird - my ex- more or less, said that word for word.

I have actually spoken to Remo and they were lovely on the 'phone. Do ring them and see if you get any joy. I have the opposite situation, live in Spain, ex- in the UK. I don't see a penny, despite ex- being able to claim child-benefit: he won't because he'd have to send it .

The answer to your question is: DON'T. I am starting to suspect my ex- is on the autistic spectrum (seriously) and has no empathy because how else do you explain not supporting your children financially? In real terms, (and Spanish legal ones) it is abandonment.

You can't win but that doesn't mean you shouldn't try - ring REMO and see what advice they have: in my case, it was get a Spanish order - here contact and a financial agreement go hand in hand and my ex- could now be arrested. Saying that, getting the judgement is a long and very expensive process and ex- would simply do a disappearing act.

How do I cope? Financially - it is the pits. Emotionally, it is OK: he is the loser. I know I do the best for my children, including chasing him for support and encouraging contact; there is no way he can ever say that - although I believe he paints a totally different picture of hard-done to-victim.

Liffey · 01/11/2008 12:52

1066, wow, I have also wondered if my x was on the spectrum somewhere. Taht sounds like making excuses for him, when maybe it's jsut that he's chosen to be mean. But my son might be on the ASD and it has got me thinking.

My x has a TOTAL inability to see things from any viewpoint other than his own. He simply can NOT do it. Is he being an arse? Or is it more complicated than that!?

I have wondered.

You have a good attitude 1066, that's the way things are for me too. I have financial worries but really, I know he is the loser, and making a bad situation WORSE when he could still make a bad situation better.

Do you get Spanish children's benefit? I get Irish CA and it's about 320 euro a month for the two of them. Bit more than I was getting in the UK! I WAS going to cancel the UK children's allowance (honestly) but then before I'd got round to it, a woman phoned me and said she'd been passed my number by the CA people in Ireland and could I confirm what country I was now living permanently in. So that was that! I didn't even have ONE month of an overlap.

I sound a right crook.

Original poster

mankymummy · 01/11/2008 15:21

the maintenance thing is more complicated than him just living in France. He doesnt work, had various investments that gave him an income but he's recently sold nearly all of them and spent money on what according to the IR and his accountant is a "residential home" and "vacation vehicle" (i.e. a 280,000 yaught for him to fluff around on when he feels like it.

so he doesnt have an income and has ploughed his cash into assets so that he would not be liable. He told me once he'd rather watch the lot (i.e. all his houses and money etc) burn than give me a penny, so I think maybe I ought to just give up really....

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 01/11/2008 20:09

A good dad imhe opinion would stay near to their children whatever the access issues.

Original poster

mankymummy · 01/11/2008 20:13

yep nail on the head there elenor... a GOOD dad. TBH i dont think he even deserves the title dad.

OP posts:

ElenorRigby · 01/11/2008 20:19

Im really sorry to hear that...our girls have a really (but sometimes grumpy dad lol) good dad.
We are blessed forsure

1066andallthat · 02/11/2008 08:08

Well, that's exactly where I'm coming from, Liffey, DS2 is being assessed for autism and it's one of those moments when the penny drops.

No, there are NO benefits in Spain - and no tax breaks for childcare but the quality of life and general expectations of behaviour and society, in this outpost of the world, outweigh the money.

manky - I thought there was new legislation on what constitutes income i.e. you couldn't hide it away, because clearly he's living on something, so that something can be assessed. It might be time to just draw a line and move on. I know that is hard - my boys do extra stuff like swimming and football because my Mum pays; I can't afford it . There again, my boys are learning the value of money and how it fits in i.e. in my book there are more important things. Yes, they get less and I frequently have to say no but we still are well off in comparison with over half the world.

The reality that are ex-es choose not to support our children makes them morally unacceptable but how we react to this challenge makes us the better people - live well !

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