Please help...I'm worried about my dd

[kara0811]

For those of you who don't know, my ex-h left in April. He moved straight in with OW. We have 3 yr old dd and 2 yr old son. From the start, he barely saw them, and then went for 16 weeks with no contact (his choice).

Is now in hands of solicitors as he has filed for divorce. He saw them last Wed for 3 hours (first time in 16 weeks), and again today for 3 hrs. He is also seeing them tomorrow.

I have requested OW doesn't meet them until beginning of Dec to allow him to re-establish his own relationship with them, and this has been put to him by my solic. He is adament she will meet them sooner, and is threatening tomorrow. My solicitor has said no, and sent a very good letter outlining why, but I am aware that there is nothing I can do to stop him.

Today at bathtime, my dd was extremely upset, and said out of the blue 'daddy has a xxxxxx (OW name) now'. I wasn't quite sure what to make of this, so just said oh, and she said he had shown them a photo. She then told me daddy didn't love her, she didn't want to go to daddy's house, daddy had ignored her and only spoken to her brother and daddy had shouted at her and told her off.

Now, I don't know how much of this is true, and how much is her expressing her frustration and upset, but I don't know what to do. She seems so unhappy, and it breaks my heart because this whole situation is out of my control.

He left me, didn't see the kids for 16 weeks, and on their 2nd visit brings up his new girlfriend. My kids are so young, they are so confused, and I don't know how to make it better for them.

I can't speak directly to my ex as he has become the most vile person in the world, so I can't discuss it with him. He just shouts and abuses me, even in front of the children.

I'm getting desperate...

As a rule of thumb, if they are too young to speak, the courts will generally be sympathetic to any delay to overnight stays - particularly after such a long gap in contact. I think your two sound a bit young for a quick leap into overnight stays, so if that is his game plan, its over ambitious.

he needs a good six months of regular happy visits and then you can discuss how you move on.

just seen your last post. He chose not to see his children because he'd got the hump that his girlfriend couldn't be involved???

I'd like to see him explaining THAT to cafcass and the court.

Bell end.

Thanks Spero, I wasn't aware of that. I assumed they would be staying away every other weekend fairly soon, which is what my solic has implied.

I am just blocking out the thought of them staying away for now. It kills me, my son is still in a cot, he's just a baby to me, even though he isn't really! BUT, I also know that I have to let them have a good relationship with their dad.

I will keep that 6 months figure in mind!

Its all about what is in the best interest of the children so you can't say x will happen or y will happen. Some very young children could quite happily have overnights straight away with ex - for example, one who did a lot of caring while living with them and DIDNT then sod off for four months.

But if you have concerns and children are too young to speak easily about what is going on, most courts in my experience will not order staying contact until they are confident visits have gone well. And the usual time period to check this is six months - but it could be three, again depends on the children and the circs.

given that he is being Lord Nob of Nobland, I think it likely a longer time period will be needed. For staying contact, he'll have to show he has somewhere suitable to take them, appropriate beds etc.

LOL at Lord Nob of Nobland!! And yes...he expected his girlfriend to be with him from the start. Not exactly realisic, bearing in mind he left us and moved straight in with her!

TBH, once he has re-established his own relationship with them, and once she is involved, I don't mind the children staying away after a few months, SO LONG as ex and OW are mindful of their needs. BUT, they just aren't proving that at the moment.

They are in a 2 bed flat, so there is room for the kids, and that's a good thing, I just now want to see some commitment from him, and some proof that he is putting the children first.

kara0811 the one that leaves i was going to say man but it isn't always the man.Never sees the effect of their leaving.
My ds is UPSET /MOODY / CHEAKY ETC every time she comes back from spending a day with him.He doesn't see that. He doesn't think there is anything wrong with a 10 yearold validating his own decision to NOT be around next hols! ( when ds has JUST got used to routine of more contact in hols)
conseqeuntly i had to cuddle and reassure ds for hrs !!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry i digress, your x isn't different to any other absent parent they don't see the damage they have done.

Sorry kara0811, my experiences are still somewhat RAW. sorry again.

Lord Nob of Nobland

Thankyou spero that made me laugh out loud

Sorry kara, I didn't see he had been abusing you

Definitely put a stop to that with the help of your solicitor. I still don't think 'child abuse' is the right angle to handle this. I'd be more inclined to get him for not seeing his dc for such a long time, as well as their very young age. The poor kids need time to adjust and be comforted, not dragged around like this. He is clearly using the OW to upset you, kara. Spero: I have personal experience with family law and when wishing to introduce a new partner to your dc, one parent can block this...unless the relationship is stable and has been ongoing for more than 6 months. Go ask a solicitor if you don't believe me.

However, I also cannot understand what can possibly be gained from introducing a new partner so soon, esp. if the children are so young and all is so fresh. As a father/mum/parent/human being you'd think one would have the decency to put the little ones first.

I'm sorry to hear he's introduced them to her. I hope (for the sake of your dc), that you can settle this amicably and that he'll see reason.

Thanks Alexa, that's a really nice post

If he had maintained his own relationship with the children for the past few months, then now would be the time I would be happy(ish!) for her to be introduced to them, as it's been about 6 months.

But the problem is he walked away for 4 months, stating if she doesn't see them then I won't. I still can't believe it even whyen saying it/typing it!

I think you're right about trying to upset me/hurt me - as though he hasn't done that enough.

BUT, I am going to maintain my dignity here. I didn't create a scene yesterday when he told me, but I will be straight on the phone to my solicitor at 9am tomorrow!!

I don't even know if anything can be DONE but I will not have him using my toddlers as part of his stupid game, and I will fight on their behalf as much as I can.

Thanks again for the lovely post.

my dcs were 17mths and 3.5 when ex left
he went str to OW
I did not let him have the children overnight unless he took them to stay with his parents (I knew they wouldnt let OW go)

he did this for 6 mths

I made him bring OW with him on a day visit to introduce her to them
I then said he could have them to stay at his house WITHOUT OW being there which he did

Then I had no choice

You CAN call the shots if you go through ur solicitor.

as for OW's motives, my OW was married but no kids. She is still vile to me 3 yrs on even though she was part of the reason my marriage failed
I dont feel anything towards her - I accept she is part of their lives but fortunately she is so self centred that she only sees them once a month at their house - the other fortnight ex takes them out for the day by himself (which they love as its just them & daddy)

my advice is be true to your kids and make sure your motive is concerning them and not you feeling bitter (understandable)
taking things slowly IS better for children especially so young

Thanks Mistress Miggins.

I can honestly hand on heart say that my motives are for my children. I understand that my ex has moved on, and tbh, he has been so vile to me over the past few months, he has made it a lot easier for me to begin to 'get over him'!

I understand and accept the fact that at some point ow will be involved with my kids. BUT, I do not understand why ex is being like this and putting his own wants above those of his very young children.

He committed (in a solic letter) to seeing the children on his own until the beginning of Dec, at which point (assuming the children were settled) ow could slowly be introduced (agreed by both of us). But, he has now shown them a photo of her on his 2nd visit (after his 4 mth break), and then introduced her on the 3rd visit. He has completely broken his part of the bargain, and has upset and confused my children even more.

I think that as far as your ex is concerned, he has moved on and is in "love" so sees no reason to keep his children apart from his new life.
My ex was exactly the same but I threatened him with not seeing them BECAUSE they were so young. I said to him that if he was serious about OW, a few months wouldnt hurt and would help the children.
I guess I was lucky.

I would be strong & firm with your ex and explain that he could damage his relationship with his children if they feel scared or threatened by his new relationship.

men dont see the bigger picture - sorry to make such a sweeping statement but in my experience it's true

remember that OW is probably feeling vulnerable

after all if a man can leave his wife and CHILDREN, he can easily leave her.

it is a fact which I did point out to ex's OW once - she has been vile ever since!
doesnt bother me though but I am 3 yrs on and with a man who is everything my ex wasnt and life for me (and my children) is better

hang in there

Alexa, i'm a family lawyer and have been for ten years so I don't need to see a solicitor.

There are no time limits as you suggest. There are no automatic 'blocks' to anything. It should be, as i have said before, about common sense and sensitivity. Perhaps six months was a sensible solution in the situation you have experienced. That doesn't mean it will be true for all.

Spero - I had no idea you were a family solicitor!
Just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to comment on my post yesterday.
It means a lot to know that what you said wasn't just 'an opinion' (as valid as they are).
Thanks again.

no worries, I'm glad you found it helpful. trouble is, most of family law does just end up being someone else's 'opinion' about what is best for a child. But as long as you are being child centred (as you seem to be from your posts) i.e. you are NOT saying 'my children will never see that bitch'! but instead, 'we need to move at a pace suitable for them', stick to your guns and don't let him or this horrible situation get you down too much.

It won't be for ever and hopefully this time next year you and the children will be in a whole different and better place.

spero: that's good, interesting point.
i have been advised on said issue by 2 partners at sears&tooth and another one at meltzer, two of the most reputable practices in the uk.

kara, i really feel for you, i guess i couldn't contain my anger quite so well though

is there a chance you can involve his parents and yours in this, to see if they can talk sense to him. IMO he's got a lot to make up to these dc if he has seen them so irregularly. Have you had a chance to go through mediation or does that break down because of his abuse, too?

MM said it well: 'I said to him that if he was serious about OW, a few months wouldnt hurt and would help the children'

Good luck to you!!

Alexa, I've attempted to organise mediation twice (once independently and once through solicitor)and both time he has refused to attend.

His parents live 150 miles away, so they are a bit removed from everything. I last spoke to them in May, when I phoned his mum and asked her to encourage him to see the kids. She hurled a load of abuse at me about why the reason he hasn't seen the kids is because I had stopped him!!!!!!! I couldn't even be bothered defending myself, so I just wound the call up, and haven't heard from her since!

He always got on brilliantly with my parents, but will now have nothing to do with them. The first time he saw the kids last week, he picked them up from my parents (I was there) and blanked my mum.

He has also cut all ties with all our mutual friends, going so far as deleting people off facebook so they can't contact him!!

The phrase 'burying his head in the sand' springs to mind!!!

Spoke to my solic today, and she was furious with him, as spent a lot of Friday on the phone to his solic stating how he must not introduce his partner (this was in addition to a very well worded letter we sent last week).

She has written to him via his solic, saying that unless we have his absolute assurance that his new partner will not be involved for a couple of months, then he will have to apply for contact through the court. She did say she doesn't think it will get that far, that's it's just to 'scare' him into doing as he has previously agreed, so we'll see. I certainly don't want the pain of going through court.

Alexa, never heard of Meltzer, but i have heard of Sears Tooth - not in the children field but in ancillary relief. i would be wary; they (or rather the senior partner) has a reputation for being extremely aggressive and spending a LOT of your money).

As ever, in family law, I advise going to a firm who is a lot more collaborative and mediation minded. You can end up spending tens of thousands and the only people smiling are the lawyers as they pocket their fees...

kara, good luck. From what you say of his mum, sadly it doesn't sound like the apple falls far from the tree. It sounds like it could go to court, from his attitude, but you have done all the right things and CAFCASS will note all that you have tried, especially mediation. It might be for the best as they could recommend he gets counselling/parenting classes which it sounds like he really needs.