does anyone else feel they get treated diffrently now they are single mums?

[emz83]

hi am new to mumsnet! my family support worker told me about it after i finally decided to stand up to my violent ex p and raise my ds and dd on my own. im 24 and was with my ex for 6 yrs and when we were together no one seemed bothered that i was a young mum but since i left him almost a year ago my friends have drifted away and new people i meet are lovely until a tell them im a f/t single mum, has this happened to anyone else?

A handy trick I know (though to be fair it is best used on people you are not going to have to deal with much ever again) is, in response to a rude or intrusive question, ask an even more appalling one back, with a sweet smile (eg, to a a man: Have you ever had trouble getting it up? To another woman: So have you got a foofoo like a bucket now afte having so many children?) When they act all shocked and horrified and hopefully say 'THat's none of your business' or the equivalent, smile even more sweetly and go 'Oops, that was what I meant to say...'

It's such a loaded question, that "What does your partner do?"

And (I know AIBU here but...) it always sounds smug - as if they could not countenance any other family set up. But then my default assumption is that other women are single, and have been known to say "Oh - you're still with his/her dad"

In some ways. A good friend of mine often invites people we both know to her house for dinner. No attempt is ever made to hide it from me. It's so carved in stone that single women do not go to dinner parties, how could I expect to be invited?

That's a little shocking, but I'm not actually sure that I care that much.

Just kind of an eye-opener. Society very couplecentric isn't it?

Emz, I'm a lot happier now too, no regrets. Good for you for getting on with your life!

Oldraver, you are right, people do ask farking cheeky questions about money. I once mentioned something about saving and somebody who in my eyes has everything made a sniffy comment about wishing she could save. Some people want me to be broke.

Smugcolditz, a friend of my mothers made a comment to her that I shouldn't be on benefits, I should be working. My Mum explained that I couldn't afford the childcare for two. She sniffed and said, I couldn't be on benefits! I was outraged. I wanted to go round to her house! This from a woman who's never paid tax! her husband has, but she hasn't. She's on a pension. That's a benefit isn't it?! I paid tax for 13 yrs, so I was so livid.

SmugColditz.....nail on the head, same as Nautghtiest girl

I find the financial q's a pain and have never seen any reason the justify myself to anyone

My life has seen some changes, I was a young married Mum (had DS1 at 21 when DH was 28)went on to have the dual income, two cars, big house, nice holidays, savings etc then became a widow when my son was 13, and from then on people seem to think they can poke their nose into my finanacial affairs

I carried on working for a few years but reduced to part time to devote more time to son eventually giving up work.... I say it was my adult gap year that went on for a bit. I now am an older Mum to a nearly 3 year old and shock horror I am still not working.

I have to say I do see the cogs whirring when I'm asked about working or a partner but I'm naughty and let them stew in their prejudices. I just smile and let them think what they want. I mean I COULD gloat my house is paid for so is my car. (OKits old and fallimg to bits but its mine and I have just enough money to not have to go to work...... so long as I dont mind not having a holiday meals out etc

I've always been a single parent so I've nothing to compare it to. Any prejudices from others have been few a far between. My born again 'christian' neighbours looked down their noses at me at first.

I've worked most of the time, own my home, have a nice car, holidays abroad etc. Often been to parents evening on the way back from work in smart work clothes and the teachers ask what I do.

There have been pitying looks occassionally especially about money, people are a bit nosy but soon realise I'm capable and in control. Well most of the time.

Solidgoldbrass, that is such a good idea i think i might just do that lol, just to see the looks on their faces!!

Naughtiestgirl thanks so much you've all made me feel a lot better. Today one of my old friends who changed towards me after me and my ex split up as also split up with her p and so i feel like justice has been done, now she will realise what its like and maybe she will learn a few lessons!!

"I am a drain on the taxpayer if I stay at home to raise my child, and a Bad Mother raising a sociopath if I work full time."

Oh yes. I feel that too - but some of it is MY insecurities (not saying it's yours too, just that's where I'm at just now). My boss says I am "wasted" in my current job, female colleagues with children cannot believe I work so many hours, shock horror.

One of my very lovely colleagues, mother to 3 (2 grown up, one at home), said to me recently "I just don't know how you're still standing". I think she is pretty amazing (2 of her children are SN, she still supports them all financially and psychologically and physically) and took that as a compliment. Another colleague asked if I felt patronised. I guess the reason for the story is that we all interpret things so very differently. It's certainly helped me to try and see the best when I feel got at.

From what you have said, emz, you have made a good decision - these friends sound like they were not worth their salt, and I hope you make better ones (and stick around on mumsnet!)

emz83, first of all good on you for taking a stand and bring up your dcs outwith a violent relationship - you are very brave.

Secondly, I became a single mum last year after my 9-year marriage broke down (or should I say when my ex-dh walked out on us.) I'm 36 and noticed how I was treated differently almost immediately. It wasn't such a great feeling but I began realising that it was the problem of the other person and not my job to change their minds.

All we can do is raise our children as best we can and concentrate on making a family no matter what. It is only if you listen to the negative stereotypes that you fall into the trap of believing it - and you sound too smart to do that.

TwoIfBySEa, even if I ended up married again, I don't think I could ever go back to having such an insular, blinkered, privileged, couple-orientated perspective.

It's not healthy. Interesting people come in all shapes, and married women who only consider friends cut from precisely the same cath Kidston cloth are really 1950's.

For me its become easier as time has gone on.
Initially, I think on reflection, part of the problem was with my own perception of single parenthood and my interpretation of what other people were thinking.
I had a husband of 11 years with a women on the side and a violence issue (me and the boys). He left, I realise I should have asked him to leave sooner.

One women, I thought was a friend, suggested that maybe if I had a bit of a makeover I might win him back! She knew about my elder sons bruises but obviously feels that being married is more important than being safe and happy.

As my confidence has grown so has my circle of friends and life is so much better now I can confidently smile and on good days barely notice comments - people need to avoid PMT days though.

So much of what is said here rings true but time has made things easier.

Best of luck - mumsnet has been great for helping my confidence about being me hopefully it will be the same for you.

I can empathise a bit with singledad, as the main carer before separation, I was treated as a wonder, something unusual and brave, looking after my baby, people stared in awae (well you know what I mean ) then when we split and I was denied contact, it was the ''don't see his kid, must be something very wrong there, I wonder what he did'' sort of thing (it helped that my ex told all and sundry that I used to be abusive and violent to her and I used to throw my baby around the room and scream in his face and hit him etc etc etc). the court ordered that I have shared residence but only 2 days per week contact, that lasted for a month until she couldn't be bothered and I had my son a lot more, then I got the , ''he is such a good dad, looking after his son on his own'' and similar thoughts. even after this latest court round after my ex moved 150 miles away, and the court ordered the old 2 days week contact again, I still get how well I do, how such a good dad I am and all positive stuff which does make me angry cos I know if I was a mum it would be the opposite. a single mum can't seem to do right for doing wrong where often a single father can only do right.

one thing I have got though, is that now, everyone I knew before the separation who were regaled with tales of my violence all say that I am better off without her and hope I never get back with her, (even her own ex best friend says it!!)
it is strange that the complete opposite is true for fathers as it is for mothers

At my first public outing after I split with xh someone asked if all my kids were by the same dad after establishing I was a single mum!

My boss asked recently if it would be ok to include me on a night out as I might have child care issues!

Mostly I find people treat me exactly the same.

Glitterfairy - I empathise with that, people definitely assume that I won't be able to come to the point of not telling me about things - am making some progress there though.

thanks mylittlepudding, im going to be around on mumsnet for a while, ive found it really helpful and reassuring to know that im not on my own.

thanks to you too, twoifbysea, your comments made me feel a lot better bout myself.

i have been spending alot more time with people who are in similar situations to mine and i am a lot happier! i have stopped caring now what people think especially after i had good news yesterday. when me and my xp split up there was one violent incident that got out of hand and sadly my ds was witness to it. obviously he was really upset by it and his reaction was to tell his keyworker what had happened. When i went to pick him up they took me into a private room and told me. I was devastated that my ds was in this position and so i joined the family support programme. they helped him to try and understand and talk about his thoughts and feelings and helped me to deal with difficult behaviour as well as supporting me and giving me someone to talk to.now he has made so much progress that they feel he no longer needs the sessions. my support worker said that it is down to me being there and supporting him that he has come through his issues so quickly and this makes me feel such a sense of achievement that now i honestly do not care what people think of me because my kids think im great and thats all that matters.

em that is a really good thing to hear.

My Dcs not only witnessed violence but were hit themselves and whilst one is still in counselling they are all absolutely fine. I cannot believe what they have been through and how great they all are.

You are right it is what they think of you that matters.