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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

those of you with no support - how the hell do you do it??? HOW!!!???

51 replies

SpandexIsMyEnemy · 10/08/2008 10:30

my folks (and usual support) are away this week,

Xh hasn't seen DS for er, 3 weeks now. nan's around for support yes within reason (can't leave him)

DS isn't sleeping v well again, my house is a tip washing out of my ears.

so seriously how the hell do you cope??? how?? (i'm even having to cook 7 meals a week for us as opposed to my usual 4!) - incl a sunday roast! and ther'es only 2 of us!

respect to any LP who does it literally with no support networks/help.

OP posts:
possiblymaybe · 11/08/2008 23:41

LittleDorrit
thanks for responding
park is my scond home ...

Unfortunately I'm not keen on my job-have a (completly usless here) degree from my country and the job (teaching assistant)just doesn't satisfy me or offer any chance for a career progress.. But the hours are very child friendly and it's term time only...

Next year I'm planning to start training as a social worker-will need to do an access course first probably(I hope it's something doable whilst looking after dd on my own-we'll see)

I feel that by going back to my country of origin I will rob my dd of ever having chance of knowing her father (I grew up with very little contact with my father and was really unhappy about it as a child)..I also feel that it would be very difficult for me to go back with no real savings or job waiting for me.. I've lived in this country for 7y and lost touch with lots of my friend.. There isn't much support I can get from my family there-it's only my mother who needs my financial support anyway..

I do have younger brother here but apart from few phone call a week I don't have much contact with him (but he was very helpful when I was splitting up with ex)

But I don't really feel that my life is awful. I'm really happy that I don't have to walk on egg shells any more ..living with ex was more tireing than looking after dd on my own (he didn't help with anything anyway)

AMAZINWOMAN · 12/08/2008 07:40

I have no support at all either. Widow and selfish, lazy family.

Its horrible when things go wrong, which they inevitably do. Needing to take children to accident and emergency-costing £50 is awful. Having nobody to take you there, wondering what to do with 2 kids, drag them both or leave one at home? Sitting in A and E hoping its not serious, as its so stressful just getting to the hospital, is my first thought, and not hope tour kids are OK, which is what it should be

struggling in little things which should be easy. Trying to get my kids a bike is a nightmare. Things that people with support, isn't an issue for them for me, for me it takes determination and a headache. (No car to get to shops, putting a bike together, finding the money....)

Hoping that Im never ill. I have been ill, but kids need looking after, but by looking after them you know your own recovery takes longer. Its awful, really awful.

Loneliness is hard, wanting to share kids achievements with someone who loves the kids as much as you.

Spending the whole Christmas period without seeing anyone. That's a sad reality.

Feeling guilty is awful too. I do my very, very best but still feel guilty. I can't give them all the oppurtunities I would like to. I can't take them to wonderful places that their friends have been to. I can't afford a car, even though I work, so feel guilty about that.

Having to take jobs that fit in with kids, I HATE my job, but it fits in with home, so I am lucky to have it. Childcare here is rubbish, expensive and poor quality-kids were very unhappy there.

I need to buy some clothes. I live mainly in one pair of jeans, which have now got holes in. So I need to drag kids around shops with me. Arrghh! Trying to get jeans to fit me, is hard as I'm an unusual shape! Will patch and make do I think...so I will feel scruffy and not even glam on top of feeling exhausted.

house is a mess. Impossible to walk in a staright line anywhere!!! Small house, so it is hard.

It is relentless. Housework, and dealing with everything all the time.

Really, nobody would live like this if we didn't love our children so much. Its only ths kids that keep us going really. I don't want my kids to go into Care, so I have to hang in there and just do my best.

I don't bother hoping I will meet anyone, I can't see it.

Judy1234 · 12/08/2008 08:53

possibly/amazing, that sounds very very hard. Some of those things are the same for me - being the only one who does anything, emergencies etc (some of us are very single single parents with the other parent not involved whereas some fathers do stay very much involved of course which is a very different set up, have the children 50% of the time etc).

For me things get easier as children get older and I am sure that will be the case for most people. One difference for me is I do earn enough to keep us, no savings their father got all those from me in the divorce, but still we're obviously quite well off which helps.

But I don't think people should despair. Going out to the park is great - fresh aid and exercise is very good for keeping spirits up. The children couldn't care less what clothes you wear as long as you love them.

One route out is as someone said - more training and getting a better job in due course. Another I suppose is marrying someone else.

Original poster
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 12/08/2008 09:10

xenia - I do not see how my marrying someone else would help benefit the situation. other than I will have someone to share the chores with - financially i'd prob be the same tbh. and i'd sooner not live with someone right now! lol.

AM - that sounds very tough, maybe if some of us are close to each other we can set up some sort of play dates/baby sitting swopseys or something??

I think for the most part people just don't seem to grasp the enormity of being a lone parent. - by choice or other wise.

As I say I have my folks usually who I can call on - esp when I've had enough of DS and go there/say mum watch him for half an hour for me. and every fortnight I cherish 2 days away from him (horrid it sounds I know)

I know I get by on my own and do struggle/have it hard sometimes - but honestly how you guys doing it (esp in a diff country) - well, we must all love our kids right?? lol.

OP posts:
Judy1234 · 12/08/2008 10:17

Marrying someone on £500k a year would presumably help you. But I don't agree that's the right thing to do unless you love them. I've turned men down even though it would be easier financially and practically to have one around.

Original poster
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 12/08/2008 10:26

well yes it would but those men are few n far between - and I prob wouldn't be interested as wouldn't want them to think I was only after money! lol.

(money to me is irrelevant as long as DS is happy.)

OP posts:
farrowandball · 12/08/2008 10:34

same her possibly. people always say "it must be so hard" and then proceed to tell me the ways in which they think i fid it hard. but - they never ask, or offer help. and actually, more than help i think someone just to talk to about it would help.

the things i find hardest are the relentlessness of it (i just need some space sometimes) and the not having anyone to say today was awful/she did something amazing today to. oh, and the weekends, when no-one wants you about because they are all happy families and single parents and kids upset the balance. just so sad. gets easier though.

farrowandball · 12/08/2008 10:34

same her possibly. people always say "it must be so hard" and then proceed to tell me the ways in which they think i fid it hard. but - they never ask, or offer help. and actually, more than help i think someone just to talk to about it would help.

the things i find hardest are the relentlessness of it (i just need some space sometimes) and the not having anyone to say today was awful/she did something amazing today to. oh, and the weekends, when no-one wants you about because they are all happy families and single parents and kids upset the balance. just so sad. gets easier though.

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 10:42

Xenia yes I'm sure it's hard for you as well..but having money does help a little bit,doesn't it

I can't see myself marrying anyone at the moment..And I also can't imaging anyone half-decent wanting to marry me anyway..

I do belive that going to university is my only option to better our life-I'm choosing a social work as something that will guarantee me employment at the end of study-I don't have business acumen or any special skills lettig me to start to my own business..

Amazinwoman, you are truly amazing..Your life sounds incredibly hard.. I second Spandex that we really should set up some sort of help network (I am in North London and very happy to meet)

cheltenhamgal · 12/08/2008 10:53

well with me the first thing to go is the housework, I usually do the bare minimum. My x doesnt havent anything to do with my dd, and all my family live a 100 miles away. I work full-time and my dd in termtime attends a breakfast club and an after school club. I send her to Brownies on a Wed night for an half and a half, and Ballet on a Sat morning for 45mins that is the only me time I get term time but then I am lucky enough that my mum will have her at Easter and for three weeks in the summer holidays, I absolutely live for those times and thank god for my mum. Without those times I would have by now have had a nervous breakdown, so I do sympathise with anyone who cannot get even an hour to themselves

Judy1234 · 12/08/2008 11:04

I thhink it's much more satisfying to go to university and earn your own money than take it from a man so I'm sure you are wise to do that.

Yes, money will help.

No one should assume no one decent would marry them. Surely that makes you more unattractive simply because you think you are and there are certainly wealthy men around and lots of them marry women who earn very little, women they meet on planes, their secretaries, all sorts every day. A friend of mine married a single mother who now virtually worships him as he's "saved her life" (life of poverty).

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 11:17

lol but my years of 'worshipping' men are over..

I do feel quite unatractive at the moment - I did let myself go a little bit and my self esteem was destroyed by ex.. but mostly I'm not interested in finding anyone at the moment ..especially to rescue me..

bethoo · 12/08/2008 11:20

i do it on my own, no family nearby and babies dad is useless so he does nto actually do much apart from come over and eat my food which he does not contribute to!
if it is all you know you adapt.

bethoo · 12/08/2008 11:23

my babies daddy has not once offered to have him for the day so since i bought him home we have not been apart, though i am lucky that i work part time so have a little life outside baby!

LittleDorrit · 12/08/2008 13:11

PossiblyMaybe - where in North London are you? I am in North London too (Highbury).

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 14:40

Little Dorrit we're very close!
I'm in Crouch End (N8). I tried to sign up for CATs but something went wrong but if you want to get in touch you can email me on
possibly2008 at yahoo dot co dot uk

farrowandball · 12/08/2008 14:42

LD and PM - i'm in crouch end too...

Original poster
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 12/08/2008 14:43

I don't think any man should be worshipped - esp for 'saving' them, to me to find true happiness you need to be happy with your lot.

having money just brings about more problems - or different ones.

just got back form dinner at nans (my other sanctuary - but really only go up once a week unless i'm taking her out somewhere) as don't want to put her out really - thing is thou she was widowed at 40, with 6 kids (well ok not 6 - mum was married off and 21, then one of 19, one of 17, then 10 and twins at 5) but in essence she had 5 kids all living at home with no help, no financial support - (she's always worked at least 2 jobs and kept everything together) said to her today - god only knows how she coped - honestly! on the other hand thou - I also think well fuck it, if she can cope with all of that then i'm damn sure I can & will with one!

(also doing an OU course as well - lets hope I do ok on the next stage for my a levels and degree next summer!)

OP posts:
Original poster
SpandexIsMyEnemy · 12/08/2008 14:43

i'm in hampshire - but even if a few of you girls get together and have your own little support network in london then it's something - and you're not alone.

OP posts:
greenandpleasant · 12/08/2008 14:49

can I join N London group too please? I'm in Stoke Newington. widow with 1 son, 15mo. posted earlier about my life being like a rollercoaster... seem to be a bit more on track now thankfully.

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 15:40

Farrowandball we probably pass each very day on a way to Priory park

Greenandpleasant the more the merrier ..by the way I work in Stokey and love Clissold Park and Church St.

Do you want to email me (possibly2008 at yahoo dot co dot uk )and I will then forward our emails to one another so we can stay in touch and maybe organise a meet-up?

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 15:53

each other every

LittleDorrit · 12/08/2008 16:09

PM - I have e-mailed you.
G and P, and F and B - hope you e-mail PM too - it would be good to meet in real life.

greenandpleasant · 12/08/2008 16:44

I have emailed you too! Would be wonderful to meet up ... in a park perhaps?!

possiblymaybe · 12/08/2008 18:32

Thanks a lot for emailing me..

I've fowarded your emails and will be writing my replies to you tonight..