is it unusual to think xp is wanting more contact than i can give?

[revelyell]

recently (last month) split from xp. our DS is 8 months. I left because the fights were too much and i knew i wouldnt be happy in the relationship. he had admitted that he wasnt in love with me and didnt try to stop me leaving but now makes out that I left him and that it wasnt as mutual as I think it was. i think it helps him to paint himself the victim! or is that mean of me...

anyway the point is that he started off saying he should have DS half the week. I said no way, he cant be witout me that long esp as i was the main carer and the one to put him to bed every night ever since he was born (XP worked late throughout- not his choice, just the hours)

now I have moved out and am living with parents whilst i work out housing benefit etc, he is demanding two nights a week, and when I am back in london wants a 'few hours a day'.

do y'all think im unreasonable to not want to hand over DS two nights a week? I already work full time and this would mean an really difficult amount of separation for me. I was a SAHM and as unfashionable as it is, I am convinced my bond with DS is too strong to be giving XP anything like 50% care. he wasnt exactly sprinting home from work to make it to put him to bed when we lived with him, whereas my life was constantly organised around DS as my first priority.

as for a few hours a day- i dont see that this can work, how would that be sustainable in the future when XP goes on location for another job? surely consistency of contact is important for DS? and how would it be sustainable for either of us when/if we get new partners etc.

anyway he is furious with me for suggesting one night a week plus him coming to us for breakfast or dinner or something once or twice a week. I think this sounds loads..! I want to get outside perspective on whether i am being reasonable or not...

(ps. I do think its important for DS and his dad to have a close relationship.)

im braced for honest responses though..
Ta!

Shared residency doesn't mean equal time. It means you are seen as equal parents to your child.

Look here for more info on shared residency...

www.spig.clara.net/

"but if you wish me to deflect the appalling plight of single mums. at being blamed for something they have little control over, then I can but you are doing a big diservice to these mothers".

That is exactly what you are guilty of lost dad, I mean misis, there are a few people on here who feel bad about themselves and having a hard time emotionally at the moment without your F4J spill making them feel that their kids aren't going to amount to anything, still not sure what your situation is to do with this section though

please someone tell me that this pain doesnt last, that I will feel that before long DS will be more ready to be with his dad and I will be ready to hand DS over, because I dont have the will to continue this for much longer- its more important that our son has parents who get on, and if its me that has to give in first to let that happen, then

rev the feeling won't last forever, you are just trying to adapt to handing your child over for more contact, as I said before you might actually enjoy the extra time to yourself, everyone deserves a bit of me time, if there is any such thing when you have children, just don't let your ex mentally abuse you to gain control, its whats best for the child

tinkerbel6, don't bother replying to my posts if you cannot be bothered to read them properly. F4j has absolutely nothing to do with FnF. FnF is funded as a charity through the government and fund raising. F4j is a private group with a totally different agenda that FnF do not agree with and do not have anything to do with. a few weeks ago, the CEO of FnF actually condemned Fj4 on live TV. as I said on a different post, if you get your facts straight first, you have less chance of falling flat on your face by spouting incorrect rubbish.
if you do not know why I replied to this post in the first place, why not go back and read the posts and try to understand them?????
for your info, to date through FnF and other means, I have helped more mums than I have dads in court and with other problems with regard to the children, I am neither for or against mums or dads, I am for the children, whats morally and ethically right and for fairness. If you do go back and read my posts correctly, you will see I blame society and the government for perpetuating this false hood that single and working mums are to blame for the anti social children growing up today that ongoing policies and social environmental problems have actually created. mums are victims of such lies and stereotyping just as dads are in other ways and honestly, after reading your words about me being guilty of blaming mums, how exactly did you arrive at that notion by the words I wrote?
it shows you are not taking the time to read and digest properly by you calling me lost dad at one point.

ignorance and blinkedness by some sections of society whether male or female is what is holding our society and children back. caroline norton would be appalled by the situation we have today and would most likely be spinning in her grave.

Tinkerbel wrote...
That is exactly what you are guilty of lost dad, I mean misis.

Lost dads and misi's circumstances are entirely different from what I have read.
*Lost dad ex left without warning when their baby was around 8 months and the denied all access or even communication for months.
*misi was a Stay at home dad for their babies first 18 months.
As for what they are doing here Id say i was because they are both Lone Parents

Tinkerbel6 can I ask about your situation?

I never noticed that, Elenor.

Yes, I am actually a different person to misi.

`there are a few people on here who feel bad about themselves and having a hard time emotionally at the moment without your F4J spill making them feel that their kids aren't going to amount to anything, still not sure what your situation is to do with this section though '

You're right. I am one of those people who feels bad about myself and having a hard time emotionally.

And for the time my son is with me I am a lone parent who copes without help. As hard as that may be, believe me - I'd rather I was the resident parent, rather than where I am.

F4J. Erm, no. Not a member, never have been.

...and my son was 3 1/2 months old - didn't get as far as a whole 8 months.

Lostdad sorry for my mistake

Tinkerbel6, I am still interested in asking about your situation.

Hi rev,
So sorry to hear you are having such an awful time. I fought for sole residency but the judge gave shared residency - that was in High Holborn court. My solicitor advised me that I was unlikely to get it (sole resdiency) and that London courts are more 'progressive' ie more likely to give shared residency. A friend of mine got sole residency without question in Oxford when her xp took her to court for more access. But every situation is different and therotically each court decides what is best for the child.

If you can keep out of court - so much the better. As Gilly says shared care/shared residency means shared parenting - not equal time.

The emotions you are going through are awful but part of the course. I had some counselling and lucky enough to have a very good counseller who explained that what I was going through is normall - fighting for what you think is right for your ds. People give you advice left right and centre and it is so hard to focus on what is right.

Can someone else do the handovers for you? My solicitor advised that and it works brilliantly for me. My family do the weekend ones and the CM does the others.

Personally I still hate not having my ds with me but I am lucky and have a lot of support. The first few times after the court order were horrendous. I had booked loads of stuff to do and had to cancel them all. My solicitor said that was very common too.

I think happy mother = happy child. It would be lovely if you and xp got on but you don't at the moment. That may change. Can you just use e-mail contact with him for the moment?

Things will become clearer. My situation - not easier - but my xp is so arguementative it is ridickulous (sp). For me the arguements are different each time and that is even when I have so much in place to minimise contact between me and xp.

Good luck.

Harra why did you go for sole res?

My xp threatened on 5 occasions not to bring ds back, he said he did not want me to take ds out of the country (for a holiday), he was and still is abusive to me in front of ds. He also (when we were together) wanted me to leave ds in the house aged 7 months alone to come and pick him up from the station. His views on sleeping habits/eating habits are different from the norm.
My concern was that if he did not bring ds back and we had shared residency if I called the police - they really wouldn't want to know and I would have to go down the legal route which is time consuming and costly.

Hi all
Its been a while- found a flat, moved out, conversations moved on and I learned to come round to two nights a week. thank you for your supportive messages Harra. your situation makes me think i shouldnt complain- xp sounds a bit easier to deal with than yours!

the latest conflict: with a basis of two nights a week (a wednesday and a saturday or friday), xp is saying that he wants ds for one of the weekend days as well. Im saying, have that on alternate weekends, and the other weekends ill pick him up just before lunch. that way, when im working full time again, i dont lose ds for 50% of every weekend too. he's refusing to accept that- do you know where i should go from here? is this where we turn to mediation?

the other big one is christmas. im saying that I will bring ds to him every other christmas just after stockings. this feels pretty reasonable to me. maybe not? he's saying no way, his christmas is his christmas and he gets to do stockings on his years (although he's invited me to spend it with him and his family- i know i know, blurred boundaries) be great to hear what everyone else has worked out. i know on the surface this looks like me being unreasonable. i just feel... well... i frigging deserve it! im the main carer, with all that involves, and whilst i want to be, its not always easy, and .... goddamn! i carried him for 9 months and gave birth etc etc surely i can put my foot down over being able to wake up with my son every christmas morning?! i know what youre all going to say to me now. i do want to hear it, really!

thanks all. i dont know what i would do without this forum. rev x

well, If you have amicable terms, i would keep your goal in sight (to spend time with yourchild every Christmas ) and work your ex into that, IE invite him round to you, let him sleep over on Christmas eve. I did this the first year after we split and it worked well, unfortunately his resemblance to an arse began shortly after.
But if you can keep things amicable it really is the best way.
I have never missed a Christmas day with mine, a few Boxing days where they have been with him, but never the main event.

thanks lovesdogs. I need to get a reality check around christmas and know which battles to lose. I also feel a bit embarrassed moaning about an XP who wants to be around so much when most mums are suffering from XP's who drift..

Anyway just to let anyone interested in mediation know, we had our first session last night. it was quite useful as it forced us to be civil and stay focussed. it was also very depressing as it made me realise how entrenched XP is in wanting half the week (3 nights and 50% of the weekend) I admire his commitment but strongly feel that kids shouldnt have to be shuttled between two houses the whole time. I think he should be happy with two nights a week and alternate weekends at least until DS is 3 or 4...
anyway. ill come back on and let you know how session 2 goes.

anyone got any idea how london courts view good dads who want 50% of care (although lots could be said about how his life isnt actually very baby friendly he could certainly convince them of his commitment)