I'm so scared that I cannot cope with raising my children alone

[DeeLerious]

I'm devastated. He is my life & now he's leaving. I can't sleep & nothing I eat stays down. I have no one to talk to about this and have 2 lovely daughters 13 & 7 who will get hurt in this. At this moment I don't know if I can cope with it. He is the only one I could talk to - 28 years together. What can I do? I'm so scared.

You don't have to cut him off, he can still see the kids whenever he wants, he just doesn't have a key to just himself in. The kids will know something is up, especially the older one, you really should try and be honest with them.

When is the holiday? That will be difficult.

God that text would have made me so Does he think a text or a call is enough given the circumstances??

just read your post, i am so sorry op.

it happened to me too, 3 yrs ago.

wil be back later. xhugx

Holiday 10 days last 2 weeks summer break.

The oldest knows we're having a disagreement & that it's not about them specifically & that I'll keep her posted. Hate to blanket it like that but anything more at mo & I'll turn to jelly in front of them. Not the best parent tactic! Will book Dr's this week.

The text is a complete cop out. He could have just phoned instead but was afraid to call me while I'm alone in the house. Later the kids will be home & he knows I won't say anything then.

I'm beginning to realise that's how he's avoided me 'til now. We've done a lot of entertaining lately - nothing that unusual, (we've always been good time people) but a great way to avoid issues - Margatrita's have got a lot to answer for here! Maybe he's more sneaky than I thought!

Oooooh I can feel the anger creeping in now. Must be the toast!

sounds like what he wants and expects for the future includes this ow- so its not like 'one-off' 'meaningless' cheating that is past and therefore possible to work through. what a crook. take care of you, as your girls need you on form through this. get as much help as you can from friends, neighbours, family, gp, sols, and don't feel bad about asking. time to start putting you and dds first.

Dee Im sorry to hear you are goimg through a crappy time - its true time does make it easier to accept Im almost 6 momths on now and angry and disappointed for a whole host of other reasons but my heart goes out to you. ps dont trust that hes being fair with themoney side of things make sure you can copy every bank statement bill credit card statement etc you will need it at a later stage no matter how "nice" he is being. Tell him to sling his hook and let ow darn and wash his bloody socks - just take pleasure though that at some point in the future if he can walk out on you and kids he will ventually do it to her - 2nd time is always easier than the 1st.

Take care and sending you a huge hug

So sorry Dee. Have been there in a similar situation myself, and I would second talking to your friends, even if they are joint ones. Pick carefully, but I did the same hoping that if I didn't tell them perhaps he'd come back and they'd never have to know. I was remembering the 15 years of when he didn't behave badly, but infact I found I was dealing with someone very different. I trusted that he would be fair about money. He wasn't, I am currently getting shafted for savings and trying to recover maintenance for DS that he removed from an account. As others have said, cover yourself by making provision. If he turns out to treat you well, then you are very lucky. If he becomes unreasonable then you have protected your DC's.

Try to remember that whatever happens, he still needs to have time with his children, even if the whole situation seems terribly unfair. That doesn't mean he has the right to take advantage of you or think that a text message with a kiss at the end, when he is with an OW is acceptable. Wishing you the very best of luck. After so long, the whole grief process turning to anger and later acceptance is likely to take a very long time. You will go through each stage in your own time. Many of us will be going through it with you at the same time.

was up at 3am. messages have gone funny here. I sent him an email - couldn't help myself - since he didn't even call to talk to the kids yesterday. Must be soooo busy working, poor Dear .

So, aren't solicitors expensive? Do I need to seek out a specialist one? - He's the big money earner as it was agreed I'd cut my hours down to be there for the kids. I control the accounts at the moment, but even if I worked full time I wouldn't be able to support us.

Panic attack again!

I think and am sure someone will correct me - you can have a free consultation with a solicitor. You need someone specialising in family law.

Do NOT panic!!!

You have been together a long time and have young children, he will have to give you 50% of assets (house, pensions etc) pay maintenance for the children and probably you too. Try posting on the legal section on here, am sure someone will be able to give you a better idea of what you can expect.

How nasty of him not to call is the OW based where he works/a colleague?

dee - this is all part of him wanting to remain in control of the situation and dare I say it his attempts at 'damage control'

to not ring the children is wrong plain and simple. - then again my X doesn't - I think it's easier for them than it us sometimes to just forget the old life and pick up a new one - while we're left picking up the pieces.

re the sols you do get the first half hour free you might be entitled to legal aid, afaik all you need is a family divorce lawyer, and not a specialist further than that - althou we obv do not know your full circs.

I know you don't think he's being sneeky, and you don't feel strong enough to do this but please get all important docs out of the house, you must protect your childrens best imtrests - from experience men play nicely all the time they get things their way - (in other words us 'little women' quietly accept what we're offered instead of fighting for what's right and what's legally our entitlement.)

it's not an easy thing, it never is. but we're here for you, how's your sleeping/eating going? - even some dry toast is better than nothing right now, or a yoghurt.

Had plain pasta last night and although it threatened to emerge it stayed there and yippee! had some more food today.

He called kids today and has agreed to proper talk. I will follow some of financial advise and seek legal assistance but will tread carefully in the minefield to limit casualties. (ie DCs)

Can't thank you all enough for your support here. XXX Big hugs back

we're here for you - most of us have walked your path in one shape of form, and we're at various stages down the line. unfortunately your DC's are going to get hurt to a degree - the situation i'm afraid and all.

i'm glad you've kept some food down - form experience thou, the only other bit of advice I can give you - as much as this will pain you is to try and shut yourself off to him, but at the very least don't give anything away to him - and by that I mean, don't tell him about seeing a solicitor, or what you're intending with the money.

BUT if you could arrange something with regards to the children - seeing them/money etc, that you're happy with - not that he suggests and you agree to, I firmly believe that if a mutual arrangement is sorted then it saves dragging the children thru courts for the most part.

you'll have wobbly days - exepct one during your chat with him, it's all part n parcel of the grieving, and you really must give yourself time for that.

you are entitled to a free 30 min consultation
I would go NOW

the only reason I say this is because the solicitor will assess your means on YOUR salary only. You can then get the divorce paid for cheaply.
If you wait until he has left and is paying maintenance, it will be taken into consideration.

I know this because my exH left Nov 2005 & I got the divorce for free. Mediation took place 6 mths on & his maintenance was taken into consideration which meant I had to pay. We stopped mediation in the end & I have finally got divorced last month at cost of over £4500.

as for upsetting the children or him choosing you, I would show him that you want to take control of your life & the DCS. If he is scared, he will make a decision & then you can decide whether to forgive him.

I know its hard - but it does get easier.
You need to grieve for the future you had & know you can have a different/maybe better one.

How you doing today Dee? Is it today he is back?

Yes he came back last night. It wasn't pleasant. Having trouble keeping it together in front of the DCs. Really hard to get appointment with Dr. Unable to think what to do for best. Like trying to choose the healthiest plant in the nursery but all the plants are dead except the one that has just been bought by someone else. Offered a Mum with hurting foot a lift home as she had trouble walking & broke down in front of her. She was very nice (thank goodness) Do not find it easy to talk. Always kept self to self - except with H - and now you guys.

Happywoman usually has brilliant advice - will see if I can get her over her - I have bee there tow but afraid I am too bitter and twisted to give good advice

Dr called & got me round there ASAP. I'm amazed at how helpful it was just to talk (she's good!) No ADs, "Absolutely not!" Feel a little stronger about the decisions I must make for myself. - Must buy her a box of tissues next time I'm in the shops!

Wow! It's an expensive business this. Thanks for the tips. Need to sort out emotions properly before the finance stuff - I'm aware I may be shooting myself in foot & know you have all experienced this kind of situation before but feel it's right. Yah! A decision!
Just hope I can keep this up when he comes in tonight.

How are things Dee?

Things have been really odd actually. He left. DD's & I getting on with it all & starting to salvage summer hols & thinking positive when he realises it was all a mistake & he misses us & wants to return! How bizarre? I wish it was all as simple as that but we've had a hard knock and neither me nor eldest DD can just forgive and forget & carry on where we left off.......in a dilemma again but feeling stronger about everything. I have gained support from unexpected sources since he's gone & will not feel quite so alone, scared & miserable about this again, whatever the outcome.

Thanks for asking!

Hello Dee

Been reading your posts. Big hugs gal, you are having a horrible time, but you will get through it, promise.

Don't do what I did and put your life on hold waiting for him to realise his mistake. My X left for the 1st time four years ago. He came back after six weeks and I welcomed him with open arms, went to 'relate', tried to change everything about myself to be the perfect partner, got close to suicidal, and watched him walk out time and time again because, as he liked to say 'you only have one life and you have to enjoy it' aka 'sod everyone but myself.'

I took him back every time because I thought we were soul mates. He was my best friend. We weren't together for anything like as long as you, but I so couldn't believe and accept what was happening, I kept waiting for him to see sense. I didn't think I live without him. I couldn't even choose what to watch on tv without him.

Four years later and I have survived!!! He still, even though he's in another relationship, comes round and make noises about how much more 'convenient' it would be if we were back together. 'Convenient': isn't that nice?

I did stuff like doing his washing. I wasn't used to handling the bills, sorting stuff out by myself, and I couldn't face admitting to people what was going on. It didn't do me any good. I raised pretending everything was ok to an art form.

Four years down the line and I'm shortly taking my DCs on holiday for the first time by myself. I'm quaking, but I know now how strong I am. Dee, you can be strong too. Don't expect too much of yourself for a long time. You are in shock, but you will get through it. It is scary, but in time you and your DD's will feel better.

Sending you lol xx

What typical male behaviour! Make him work his absolute arse off to get you and your trust back, you and the girls deserve the best husband and Daddy.

I'm glad you're feeling good about things, you sound really positive and in control. Hope you get the outcome you want from this

Oh, well, if it's more convenient for him, Kodathekat, you should do it.

Else, how will you live with yourself?

And they say romance is dead