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Is this an equal relationship,and am I being paranoid? Please some advice guys.

32 replies

Lila07 · 02/06/2008 19:53

I apologise for posting something so insignificant compared with the issues written in here, but I need advice on something that has been bothering me.
I'm a single parent who has moved into a new naughtyarea less than 2 years now, my son is three years old, very sociable and happy little boy who is already going to reception this September. Recently I have meet a mum who has also a three year old daughter going to the same nursery as my son, and we started getting on as she offered to give us a ride in her car to home as we live a few metres next to each other. She usually goes to soft play and my son has started going with her and her daughter as I tough it would be nice as I don't get out much with my son due to lack of transport and sometimes extra money to do so.
But recently I started feeling a bit jealous as my son only asks for this mum, and talks about her constantly and even had a few temper tantrums when she comes around ignoring me and throwing toys around, and also making aces at me while this mum plays with him. She does play with him a lot, which I don't see her doing it with her daughter and the last time my son behaved like this she started going on about going to Macdonalds and at the end of the afternoon asked me if I wanted to let him go over to her house after he just spend all afternoon being really naughty and throwing things around the house, of course I said no! I feel in disadvantage as I don't have a car, I cant afford to take him to Macdonalds, (not to mention that I dont like it) as she does or to soft play and she has a family while I don't have any family over here. She offers constantly to have him around but despite offering to have her daughter around in my house too, she always smiles but does not say anything, as she probably does not need it as she has a partner, her mum and her mother in law who sometimes take her daughter. To solve my son's behaviour and the fact that sometimes she tries to take over, I decided he would only go to her house once a week, she offered to have him in the afternoon and they are going to her mum's who I don't even know, and after to Macdonalds. I talked to someone about this, and I do agree that it is good for children to have their own friends and go to their houses, as this is an important step in their life's, enhancing their social skills, but I find she has a great deal of interest in having my son over and going out with him.The other day we went to the park and she was cleaning his face a coupleof times and rearranging his trousers just like he was his child, and I felt completely useless and inappropriate,just like I was an outsider or just a family friend watching my son being clean by another person other than me. After that my son comes over with a I dont love mummy anymore I love x, which is this other mom in question.After that I had a chat with her and told her I felt a bit undermined and jealous of mu son asking for her all the time, and I wanted to give it a break for a while. I invited her to come over but she makes excuses, and now we barely see her. Am I being jealous and having a hard time letting him go, as he's been glued to my hips since he was born? Or do I have reason to be upset or suspicious that she is trying to take over?She is a nice person, but she doesn't say much about herself and this is clearly about the children, but I find myself thinking why so much interest?Im I just being paranoid as I am sometimes? Please some help as this is doing my head in!

OP posts:
WilyWombat · 04/06/2008 14:40

Ohh Lila this so sounds like the same mum I know except I think her DD2 is 4.

If she really wont trust her child into your care then I can understand your reservations.

You have 2 choices really either continue the arrangement on her terms or invite her child to your home again and decide that until this happens you will not send your child to her house.

I didnt persue DS and the child he was friends with socialising outside playgroup and they pretty soon moved on. He has a whole new group of friends now...cant say I am firm friends with any of their parents but at least they do not make me feel inferior.

Lila07 · 04/06/2008 19:03

Thanks guys once again for your answers.
Quatrocento thanks but I am not trying to force a friendship, it would be fine having the kids around playing in my house and in hers, along with the uncomfortable silences, I am fine with that. What I am not fine is having her telling my son say pleases and thanks in my house e and mothering him when I right there, having my son for whole afternoons, when he is supposed to come at 5 and shows up at 7, and her dauther never stays with me because as much as I offered she either smiles or says she doest need it!And its only when she is available.

If I want to have someone to do those things with my son or tell him off, it will have to be someone who I have a good relationship with and feel comfortable with and know for quite some time.I let it roll because I thought that yes maybe we could get along eventually and becomes us mums good friends. But she is always very distant with me and cold, she never asks How are you or anything of the kind, and then she sits in my house telling my son to say please and thanks just because he spent a few afternoons with her?

He is throwing things around and being really naughty and making faces at me, and she keeps playing with him like nothing is the matter and then sits him on her knee and tell him "So what are we eating in Macdonalds tomorrow?" Sorry but I dont think I am taking this out of perspective, actually the more I have been ranting in here the more I am realizing that I am right about this, and thank you guys for that!

The only thing I feel pity for as I said before is that the kids like to play with each other a lot, and my son really likes her, but she doesn't play as nice with me aas she should!

The kids will continue playing as usual they are even going to the same school, it would be very ignorant of me to stop them from being with each other.

I guess in the end WE were the novelty!

OP posts:
Tinkerbel6 · 05/06/2008 10:41

I think you need to wean your son off this woman and try and arrange play dates with other children (either at their house or your's) and make it where you don't stay there but just drop him off or they drop their child off at your's, maybe invite a child round for tea so there is a a little playing and uyou can carry on doing your chores.

Lila07 · 05/06/2008 11:03

Yes thanks Tinkerbel, I think I've got a knack for meeting people with issues, when I have so many of my own already!
Yes great lesson I've learned, next time I know exactly how to do it. Im going to take my tod to the park now summer seems to be staying for a while, maybe Ill meet another nice Mum there, but definitely things will be different this time. Not looking to make a best friend , but try to keep things equal between us is a good idea. If I have to trust someone with my tod, well they will have to trust me too!

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KatieScarlett2833 · 05/06/2008 18:01

Sounds like the other mother was trying to help by distracting your son while he was having a tantrum, not trying to plot to steal your son's love.

TBH it sounds to me as if you are really insecure. Are you honestly only going to allow your child to be friends with children whose mothers are "equal" to you?

Your son likes this woman, has a good time with her and her child, yet you want to stop your son seeing her because you feel inferior?

Lila07 · 06/06/2008 12:36

No not because I feel inferior, but because she makes me feel inferior with the fact that she undermines me in front of my son, when he is misbehaving. When her DD does the same I step out and let her take over, because she is after all her mum. And the equal element is not about mothers being equal to me as I dont believe anything like that exist really because how can someone be equal to me, or me equal to someone else? Everyone is different and their own individual with likes and dislikes.

I am talking about equal agreement that if my child goes over to her house, that fine, but her child could also be over here with me playing along with my son. Its about equal terms between us, I don't have to be her best friend or own a car to be equal to her, I just want to have the same trust from her as I put in her when she has my son around.

If I don't tell her DD to say thanks and please because its not my place to do so, or in regards to discipline, if she takes over when her DD is misbehaving then I would appreciate that I have the same opportunity to do so without having to try to talk over her to tell my son to stop doing something, as that is what happens at the moment!In my own house.

My son still sees her everyday at the nursery
and plays with her DD just fine,and Im more than happy for that to happen.

I just don't like the fact that she seems to like my son favouritism for her over me and even encourage it by giving him attention only when he is misbehaving with me.

I dont feel inferior to anyone, I am going to University this September after completing my HEFCs in Maths where I went from not knowing what two decimals places meaned to doing algebra and trigonometry and completing a 35 page Statistics project about house prices in the UK where I got the highest mark in the class, it will be shown to other students who will have to complete the same project next year as an example of how it should be done.

I wrote a whole article about Tibet for my Media classes where I also got the best mark, and all of this with a 4 year old at my care, with no family in this country to help me financially, and not studying for years, my son always goes to nursery cleaned bathed and looking smart because his mum does a lot of sacrifices with her very tiny budget so he can have the best.

I moved 250 miles from London to where I live at the moment all by myself from a small studio to a 2 Bedroom flat with a wonderful view, I scrapped all the paper wall of 4 rooms of the house and painted it with no help whatsoever, all by myself it took me 4 weeks, including putting curtains and blinds up.

Coming from the sort of background I came its amazing even that I'm still mentally capable to do what I do, and most of my friends admire me for the fact that I've been trough really hard stuff and still keep going persistently and regardless of the difficult circumstances that Im still in.

I don't have a partner and I can do fine without one, I don't survive I live life day by day, sometimes I do get insecure but that is because I know I can loose everything in a split of a second as it happened to me before and to many more people, and because I dont have a safety net like a family in here to help me out in times of need.

I am a nice person and I give everyone a chance regardless of their status in life, colour, gender or sexuality but I don't like people trying to take over and making me feel inadequate after all the hard work I've done. Just the simple fact that this mum did it in the first place even tough I talked to her about it is enough for me.

Maybe she didn't mean any harm, but a bit of sensibility is a good trait to have and I want people around me and my son with some of those good qualities, sensibility and common sense are really a must. I am not perfect by any means at all, but it is my son and it is my responsibility and right to decide when and where to tell my son off, or say thanks without interference from someone who I barely know.

OP posts:
Lila07 · 06/06/2008 13:40

And I really thank all the posts here of people who understood my position and of those who questioned my doubts,it made me see clearer, and even if Im wrong I guess that lesson will came later, but I do believe I'm right on this one yes I will stop my son from being with someone who a)I feel inferior for any reasons, as I don't want my son to mirror my insecurities and I want him to feel safe and secure with me, and see me as a strong person because that what I want him to be.

and b)makes me feel inferior for any reasons as I think that is unkind, ignorant and shows lack of character and also insecurity causes some people to make other people to feel insecure. I don't enjoy being in the company of such people and neither I want that for my my son. I know I am waaaaayyy to over dramatic here but it was really a eye opener in many aspects posting in this forum!!

He is my son, I gave birth to him if he has to enjoy someone's company that will have to be mine first!!If that is being horrible well I am not an angel of mercy or Teresa of Calcuta. I don't need any charity from anyone, if she doest need to have her DD over, well I don't need her to have my tod over there either! The point was for the kids to be together and enjoy themselves, either in my house or hers. That does not happen. So sod it...and I think this the last Im going to write about it really, you guys must be fed up by now!lol

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