What to say to ex

[MochiPie]

I'm planning on reaching out to my ex who hasn't seen the children in 2 years to see if he would like to have contact with the children again. Has anyone done this and what did you say? Or should I just use chat GPT 🫣

How old are the kids? Why did he stop seeing them?

Yes this is it I'm struggling and I didn't choose to have them alone so seeing if he would like some contact

14 13 11 he just kept making up excuses till it fizzled out

It won’t happen. You can try, by all means. But you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

if the man wanted to be part of the children’s lives, he’d make an effort.

no communication, is communication.

Well I'm prepared to try you don't ask you don't get

It will hurt the children all over again, at incredibly vulnerable ages, as he isnt interested.

i would make sure you are getting maintenance for them.

have they actually expressed any interest in seeing him again? They seem a bit old to be going behind their backs to speak to him first.

I get £7 a week

Not going behind their backs just want to make sure he is actually up for it first as if I told them and he said no that would not be nice for them if they said no after I could always just not get back to him

Except you might not be able to just ‘not go back to him’ and even if he says yes you are more than likely just setting them up for failure as he’s flaked before. You could drop it into conversation to gage either they wish they could see him or not. But if they are happy why set them up for more rejection? Even if he says yes, the rejection is likely!

Sorry what do you mean by I might not be able to not get back to him? They are teens/ preteens so wouldn't be forced to see him not even by court 🤷🏻‍♀️

Easy, you ask if he wants contact and he says yes, the kids then say no way, but he wants contact anyway so starts contacting them himself because they are teens. Or he starts behaving unreasonably and upsetting them by letting them down again, you can’t do much about it because they are teens and he can just phone them himself.

I personally wouldn't reach out, as I would worry that if he hasn't shown interest in 2 years, even if he does agree to have contact, I would worry he would drift in and out of your child life and that would cause them more psychological damage then never seeing them at all. If it's something you really want to do, I would reluctantly reach out to say that your child has expressed a wish to see him, how would he feel about that. If he agrees, I would set firm boundaries for example, it's to be regular scheduled contact and you don't want him to let your child down. Then I would only allow him one chance and if he dips again, cut it off. That way when your child questions it in the future, you can explain that you tried, but dad was unreliable and child deserves better etc

And how exactly would he get their number? And they could just block him? My kids don't use SM not sure how he would magically get their number though.

Thank you

Well they could give it to him… but whatever, you clearly don’t want to consider any potential negative outcomes here so go ahead and do what you want.

If they gave it to him then that would be because they want to speak to him 😕 they are allowed to contact him if they want seems like you think I should be blocking that too.

I literally explained that if he starts messing them around they may change their mind. I don’t really get why you have posted to discuss your idea and then taken issues with someone trying to help problem solve. Best not to post if you don’t want opinions.

Who asked you to help solve my problem? I didn't ask if I should I ask what message I should send? I am already going to email him I asked if anyone had reached out before and what did they say, don't need your permission to do so.

You are bonkers

I gave my ex several chances to see Ds. He saw him once as a toddler. He didn’t seem to care. Not so much as a birthday or Christmas card. He died last year and denied Ds the chance of ever knowing him except through my filtered memories, and photos. He never got in touch with me about Ds. No interest at all. If they want to see their kids they’ll move move hell and high water. I did email him a few times up to around age 3 then I sent a final asking if he wanted any part in ds’s life. He replied a few days later to say he was thinking of what to say so that he didn’t say the wrong thing. Six years later and nothing then he dropped dead. My advice would be to send an email so there’s a paper trail. Follow it up if no response. Print them off and put them in a file should your kids ever ask then you can show them proof that you tried. It’s really shit, I know. These men don’t deserve kids.

That's really sad I'm sorry to hear that 😔 that's one of the things I worry about as I don't want them to regret not having contact with him if anything were to happen.

It’s very sad, but the choice was my ex’s. We can’t make them be present in dc’s lives if they don’t want. Look at their actions-they aren’t interested. No way I’d have put Ds through seeing his dad knowing it was a one off. Better to have no dad in his life than a shit, uninterested one. My plan was that once Ds was in high school and had his own phone, that if he asked for his dad’s number id let him have it and leave it up to them and be supportive of whatever happened.

Why not write and send it by one of the services that confirms its been delivered so you know he has got it?

I get that you're struggling and wanting to reach out for support, but you've had a resounding round of responses pointing out the obvious. This is not a cure all to your problems and is likely to cause more issues if he actually says yes and then repeats history, and harm your children in the process.

Not many of us chose to have children to raise alone. I didnt and really resented ex-h when he left and moved away. He hasn't even sent a card to DD in 4 years. He knows we haven't moved as I've since bought him out of the house. I have a partner now so do have support but I remember how hard it was when it was just me here picking up the load everyday. You have my sympathies and understanding of where you're coming from but at the end of the day, if you've left the channels of communication open then you've done your bit. The rest is on him and his absence and silence has already answered this for you.