Post court analysis

[timetofight]

I was taken to court for breach of a child arrangement order. I’m the mother and the court order was taken out by the paternal grandparents against me. I was obviously against it. They took my son somewhere that triggered his allergies over a year ago and I told them not to take him back but then a month later they took him back. What followed that day was completely controlled by them. When I told them to take him somewhere else they bad mouthed me to the children, removed them and then the children had to stay for another 7 hours with them. When the children returned home their grandparents denied saying anything. I showed my eldest the email (which I know was a huge mistake) and he confirmed they lied.

The children decided not to engage with them for a while and that turned into not wanting to see them.

There Was a section 7 report and they said they wanted minimum contact and the report sided with the children. They are 12 and 14.

Fast forward to court and I agreed to not do a fact finding hearing as they said the time was best spent working out what access should happen. I did not have legal representation as I couldn’t afford it. I took a friend.

Their barrister cross examined the Cafcass Officer and basically completely tore it apart and the court ruled against them. They said that the kids needed more access than they were asking for. It was still reduced from what it was.

Im not happy, the kids aren’t happy. Their barrister said and it was accepted that I influenced the kids with what they said to the Cafcass officer. I absolutely didn’t and the Cafcass offer said the same. They said similar things but I did not discuss it with them as I was petrified I was going to be accused of coaching and yet I still was.

My question is (and I’m not putting this in legal as I’ve exhausted all avenues in that under another name) what could I have done differently and how would you feel about the verdict? Just looking for some solidarity because I feel that I’ve let the kids down.

If it's hay-fever, it can occur anywhere and can really limit your life. So no, I think its best to have proper medication and live as full of a life as possible. I also think that exposure in safer conditions might help in the long term. They do it with peanuts now.

Tbh I wouldn’t do this with a child especially when they are with people who would have no clue what to do. But your advice on allergies is useful. Thanks.

@JustAskingThisQ what do you do with a child who is reluctant to take their preventers? It’s purple. I tell him every morning and night and he says yes he’s taken it but it’s obvious he’s not taking it regularly enough.

If he's allergic to pollen, he's continously exposed. There is nowhere you can go to be safe from it.

I'd supervise them taking it and warn them that they really could die if they do not. I'd use that language too. Adherence to medication is key to good management. And make sure he uses the spacer too.

I watch my children take their inhalers.

They know you will listen and they know you're on their side. No one can always fix their children's problems, no one can always make things right. There will times in their lives when nothing can be done about a problem or hurt they have. Guide them through how you deal with these situations, listen to them, support them.

I feel that I have failed them because they asked for reduced contact directly to Cafcass and it was up to me to get it for them and I didn’t.

You need to re-frame your thinking, because this is incorrect.

You say your children directly asked Cafcass for reduced contact. The Court was asked to make the decision. YOU were not asked by your children for reduced contact, and even if you were, that is not within your power to grant. The Court - an impartial party, considering the evidence and applying it to the legal principles - considered the request and formed the view that the contact imposed was best for the children.

You do not need to consider what to do next time to get a ‘better’ result. You make the best of this decision.

The children are aged 12 and 14. Surely if they don't want to go they say "I'm not going " You're not in breach of a court order if you have done all you can but they vote with their feet.
Considering their father has died, it's a shame that a positive relationship between you all carnt be met. The benefits of a child having contact with paternal grandparents when their father isn't around is great. My own children have hugely benefited from seeing their grandparents when they have no contact eith their own father.

@TickingKey46 there is a massive backstory here that I’m not sharing but I have had multiple court orders against this family to protect myself. Blanket statements can’t be made about anyone. Not all parents are good people and certainly not all grandparents are. I’ve always known they are liars but now the children also know and are being forced to see them because courts believe all family contact is good.

I would love my kids to have good grandparents but these people aren’t it.

Timetofight

No I realise that, sorry didn't mean it as brutally as it came out.
But honestly at the age of 12 and 14, they have the ability to just refuse. I would be working on empowering them to be loud and clear with their grandparents. No court order can make a child that age get into the car or go with them.

@TickingKey46 it wasn’t brutal. There are others on here that are far worse. Cafcass said the same. The kids will need to communicate to them when they are making them feel uncomfortable but isn’t it sad that we have to say this to the kids about their own grandparents and then also force them to see them? I did get included that the kids are in control and can leave if they want to.

But they're not forced to see them! I think at they're ages they are mature enough to say, yes it's not easy for them. But it's the situation they're in.
I would be putting the ownis on them. Sit them down and say " You're due to see them xyz day". If they say they don't want to go you say " that's fine but you just need to let them know". The whole idea of it coming from the children and not you is that they are not being influenced by your opinion.
It honestly doesn't need to be any bigger than this, regardless of if there is a court order or not.