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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

10 years single and NYE plans just been cancelled - feeling crap

33 replies

Elfie23 · 16/12/2024 06:46

Hi all,

Just need to write this down somewhere, feeling really sorry for myself and the loneliness is unreal at the moment.

Split with DC dad (was not good and he treated me like sh!t) 10 years ago on 23rd December. The date always sticks in my mind as DC was exactly 6m old that day.
Since then I've had 2 dates and was seeing one guy for a couple of months about 6 years ago. Nothing else. Not slept with anyone else, not been on holiday with anyone else or anything like that.

Just recently the loneliness has become overwhelming. I'm 37 so haven't been with anyone since my late 20s. I don't even know what I'd do now if I did meet someone.

Christmas this year is just me and DC having dinner together then seeing parents and sister and partner for the pm. There isn't enough room for us all to eat in one place anymore (tried at mine the last 2 years, one year there was 9 of us and you literally couldn't move, next year was 5 but I find my mum hard to deal with when she's had a drink and it was the year I didn't have DC on Xmas day so was struggling anyway without her crap).
DC is with ex on Boxing Day and New Years Eve. I did have plans to go out with a mate but she's just text to say she's not really feeling it as she's had a crap year so now I'm looking at a possible NYE alone too.

Also this year watched ex have yet another child with another woman and watched my first love get married too - just feeling really shite wondering when my turn will come and totally fed up of being on my own.

OP posts:

Elizo · 16/12/2024 11:59

cidiyic · 16/12/2024 10:19

Sorry for the rant, I find Xmas really hard being single and 10 years is a bit of a mileston

@Elfie23 I'm sorry you are having such a hard time but I think you need to change your mindset. Maybe work towards starting this change in the new year.

Your comments are very much driven by a sense of not being ok on your own, waiting for someone to come to solve your loneliness and being very envious of other people in relationships. Like :" And the shittest part of all is watching all the other families and friends with their partners while you're stood there like a lemon. This your mindset and nothing else. Single people manage to have fun socially at parties and generally without 'standing their like a lemon'. Just like people with spouses or bf/gf go to parties alone without their partner and have a good time.

In fact, if you are feeling like your life is shitty just because you don't have a partner and are 'waiting' on some level for someone to say you, you will project this and it is very unattractive - to both potential friends as well as romantic partners.

Try this: Imagine that Fate appears and tells you catagorically that you will be single forever and never have another romantic relationship, how would you live differently? what would you do?

Start living like this and the rest will fall into place.

I'm thinking of stuff like 'I'd really like to go to that new restaurant but I'll wait til I have a date' - go on your own, go with a friend, ask someone you are acquainted with but would like to get to know better. It doesn't matter but just do stuff that interests you and live as if you will be single forever.

Also get a notebook and write down every day three things you are grateful for. It will change your mindset. Your life could change in an instant for the worse. Focussing on what you have with help change your mindset.

I think this is good advice! Will try to follow

Autumn38 · 16/12/2024 12:03

Elfie23 · 16/12/2024 07:21

Wow I didn't expect so many replies so early in the morning, thank you all.

Friend is staying in with her husband so there won't be any staying in with a movie but we could maybe meet in the pm for a bit as one person suggested.

I really wanted to go out as it's a chance to meet new people, I am on dating sites etc but nothing ever comes up. All my friends are married and we don't go 'out out' very often.

I was invited by a friend to a party at a pub I went to last year with DC which they loved, but I feel it would be really unfair for me to go with friend and her family which includes DC's bestie without her x

I think another friend has some people over for NYE but I haven't been invited and don't really want to go begging for an invite if you see what I mean?

Urgh x

Definitely take up the invitation to the pub! See it as place holding for your DD- if you go this year you and DD are more likely to be invited again next year.

you deserve to go out and have a nice time.

pikkumyy77 · 16/12/2024 12:04

Elfie23 · 16/12/2024 08:13

Yeah I could go, but you know when you feel like the tag along loner? It'll be like Elfie is here with X family so she's not on her own kinda thing.
I've been to other friends before on NYE who have had house parties etc, but it would just be nice to not be that loner tag along if you know what I mean?
And the shittest part of all is watching all the other families and friends with their partners while you're stood there like a lemon.

Think that's why I'm feeling so disappointed the plans fell through as it would have just been me and friend.

Sorry for the moan just feeling really really sorry for myself today. I know I need to pull myself together and get over it

But you might meet other “loners” this way? Don’t stay in! Definitely go out! 37 is not old! Read those guardian articles about how people meet and realize that you have to live your life gaily, bravely, and with a lot of curiosity—get out there snd enjoy yourself. The right person might come along or you might just have a good time and make some new friends.

YourGladSquid · 16/12/2024 23:58

I can’t offer any useful advice as I’m somewhat in a similar situation at the moment (struggling to make new friends) but I was in the same position as you: stayed long term single when I became a single parent, from mid 20s to mid 30s. It didn’t bother me… until it did. It was like suddenly the loneliness became overwhelming.

Saying that, once I met my partner it fell into place instantly. You’ll know what to do if the right person comes along, so don’t worry about that part.

However I would strongly recommend getting counselling. I also avoided it for many many years and now I regret it. Look after yourself.

JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn · 17/12/2024 08:41

I hear you OP. I'm 12 years single this NYE. I split up with EX on NYE, so the whole evening has a hollow ring to it for me.

I'm happily single now but NYE is the one night it really hits home. I do wish that just once I was the first person that someone says Happy New Year to! I'm always the one standing with a smile slapped on my face watching everyone hug and kiss as they welcome in the NY... they do hug me eventually, but that first couple of minutes hammers it home that I'm not anyone's number one.

I'm nearly 60 so I know I'm unlikely to meet anyone now, and I'm absolutely fine with that! I have a great life, great friends, great family. This time of year is hard for a lot of people and even for people who don't expect it to be.

Go to the pub OP, enjoy the night... whatever it brings. Raise a glass to all you've achieved this year and look forward to what you'll achieve next year 🥂

stardustbiscuits · 17/12/2024 08:47

Elfie23 · 16/12/2024 09:59

I've got over myself and text friend who is going to the pub and asked if I can tag along. Her reply was 'of course, it will improve my evening 100%' so feeling some love now x

Sorry for the rant, I find Xmas really hard being single and 10 years is a bit of a milestone 🙈

Honestly, single people really do overrate the extent married people want to spend their time solely with their husband/ family. The honest truth is having a ‘third wheel’ as you call yourself is usually a breath of fresh air!!

MagpiePi · 17/12/2024 16:42

cidiyic · 16/12/2024 11:53

You’ve obviously not been single for years on end and don’t understand the amount of energy it takes to be all happy clappy with a positive mind set

@MagpiePi

I have actually longer I'm sure than anyone here. That's why I gave this advice because it was given to me and it really changed my outlook.

You didn't read what I said. It was the opposite of being all happy clappy. The advice is imagine you will be single for ever, accept it as a probability and live like that. If you stop holding out for a man to arrive to solve your problems, it really helps with the resentment of other people in relationships because you stop that 'holding out hope' aspect and you focus on you and making a life that works for you.

Most of the time they aren't actually very happy anyway - you only have to read the millions of threads on here about rude, drunk, unhelpful, not very nice a lot of the time, cocklodging, and so on partners that many people have.

It’s not about expecting a partner to come along and solve all your problems. It’s like @JustGotToKeepOnKeepingOn says, it’s knowing that you are not someone’s number 1, and equally that you don’t have that someone to care for and enjoy being with in a way that is different to being with friends.

And what is wrong with hoping for good things in the future?

Yes, I know there are lots of shit relationships out there, but there are also lots of really good ones too. The women in good relationships are not going start threads on MN asking for advice so there is bound to be a negative bias.

Toomanysquishmallows · 18/12/2024 07:56

@MagpiePi , I totally agree , there is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship.

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