How can I get ex to see the dc`s point of view without him saying I put words into their mouths?

[SparklePrincess]

Last time the dc stayed with their dad my eldest asked me on the phone when they were coming home. My answer was "probably in the morning". She asked if she could come back that night & I said to ask her dad, to which she replied "I cant, im scared to" sad

Today she asked if theyre going to dads this weekend, & if so what time they would be coming back. I said "probably sunday evening" & she said she hoped it would be in the morning instead. My little one said "I dont want to go to dads" sad

How can he be made to accept what the children are saying & take their feelings into account? At the moment anything they say he will just assume is words ive put into their mouths, which simply isnt true.

Im happy for him to have generous time with the dc as long as they are happy to go. I think they need to start off with one overnight stay, then build up to full weekends & eventually a week or more during the holidays once the dc are ready & happy to do so. He seems to want to start off with more than the dc are happy to do then reduce if he thinks its not working out. (In other words when he`s bored with them hmm)

Unfortunately Cafcass dont get involved unless there are court proceedings in place. Does anyone know of anything else similar where they speak for the child?

Oh good luck, sparkle. As you say, thank goodness one of you has the DCs best interests at heart, and bloody well done for remaining so calm.

Good luck Sparkle and let us know what happens. You should change your counsellor though.

Shockingly enough the Mediator was having a good day & actually helped us to come to an agreement.

H went in saying he wanted shared care & to get involved in his dc`s lives more. I said no problem, but at their pace. I produced various quotes from information id got online saying how shared care wasnt in the interests of a child with ADHD. I then asked him questions from a list id produced of information any caring father should know about his dc, like "whats their teachers names?" etc etc. This floored him as he couldnt answer any of them. He actually went slightly red & squirmed while I asked him them because he really wasnt expecting that.

Final agreement acknowledges his request for shared care, but states that their current main residence will be with me. He will collect them from school or me once a week & we will work towards possible eventual overnighters on those days. We will also work towards him keeping them on a sunday night & dropping them off at school on monday mornings every bi weekend visit, but to start with it will be once every four weeks.

We are going back for a final session next week to collect the agreement, & hopefully not find any more faults or change anything. If that goes to plan we show the agreement to our solicitors, who again, hopefully do not flag anything up, but probably will. Once solicitors are happy we get the agreement drawn up & can put the house on the market, move on with our lives & do a DIY no blame divorce, at minimum cost in just over a years time.

Im not counting my chickens yet though. It aint over until the fat lady sings.

Great news Sparkle! Well done!

Woohoo - well done! I love it when mediation works!

Bloody hell, Sparkle, you have really been .. well, Supermum.

I am gobsmacked that you'd found that information about kids with ADHD, that clearly made the panel take you very seriously indeed.

Freakin' well done. You should be exceptionally proud of yourself.

Lol at the list of questions. Okay, we may not have the brawn, but God did give us women brains. Hope you are duly proud of yourself, Sparkle. Well done.

Thanks. I am pretty pleased with myself. Its not cut & dried though, H has yet to talk to his puppeteer, (sorry, I mean solicitor) shes bound to want to argue the toss about something. Even if we do get this drawn up hes bound to argue the toss again when we go to get divorced, unless hes already had enough of the dc by then.

Perhaps things are finally starting to come together for me now. Ive got a job interview tomorrow in a profession ive always had an interest in. If it all works out I could do quite nicely out of it. Again, no counting chickens though, but keeping everything crossed.

And you must have an agreed consent order as part of that agreed simple divorce otherwise in a few year's time when one of you has made a fortune or your house has doubled in value or one inherits money you'l lbe arguing over mnoey again. So you must at this point whilst it's going well get a final settlement on money either as aclean break and no maintenance (except for children) or with maintenance for the lower earner plus capital division.

We are getting a "deed of separation" drawn up Xenia. It will stipulate how finances are split & child access, & states that we will get a no blame Divorce after a 2 year separation. In some ways it would be easier to Divorce now, but he refuses to admit adultery & I know wouldnt accept it on unreasonable behaviour. (Neither would I) It seems like the only way we can proceed.

Apparently these things are pretty binding, & it would only be if one of our circumstances were to change drastically that a court would go against it. Its only 15 months until we can Divorce anyway, & I doubt my circumstances will change that wildly by then.

Must go & put my make up on. Got a job interview at 11am. [nervous emotion]

Ah but there's a legal trap in there. A deed of separation does not finalise the divorce finances. It just puts off the dreaded moment. They can be undone later. Ask the lawyers. The onkly final order like a divorce consent order is a "judicial separation" which is used by people who are religious and would never divorce for example. Of course if you both stick to it and neither wins the lottery in the next year, meets a millionaire partner, gets a huge work bonus or falls on hard times then the financial arrangements 2 year hence might be as in the document you draw up now but there is no certainty in that.

The best way to proceed is you divorce him for unreasonable behaviour. He cannot defend that and you will get your divorce and the certainty of it.

Youre right Xenia. I think I may ask him if hes prepared to let things go through for the Unreasonable Behaviour. Now we have this agreement it should be reasonably straightforward.

I have my new job now, which could well prove lucrative in the future. Defenitely best to get things done & dusted now.

Also in just about any marriage even a happy one anyone with half a brain can come up with an unreasonabe behaviour draft divorce petition. In other words we really have divorce on demand in the UK but you do need some examples, like relationship with another woman or he shouted at me a lot or on XYZ holiday he refused to sleep with me or whatever you can dredge up.

I dont need to think too hard to get grounds for unreasonable behaviour Xenia, unfortunately I could write a book about H`s mentally abusive behaviour throughout almost the entire duration of our marriage.