What have you found most challenging as a single parent?

[Clumsy12345]

I think for me it’s not having any days off, not having any days to myself where I can just switch off for a bit has really been a massive struggle. What have others found to be the most challenging part?

I agree, inability to get space when you really need.

It is carrying the full emotional, mental, financial and physical load of parenting without respite, without resentment and whilst trying to be as graceful as you can about it so your kids feel loved.

Realising nobody wants to help me out, ever

For me it's childcare. Very limited family support. My work aren't especially understanding and I struggle with inset days and illness. Maintaining friendships either means dragging kids along or paying for a babysitter. I'd love to date but that's an expense too far.

Dealing with the problem behaviours

Not having someone to share the good things with at the time they happen.
Logistically, DD was little years before Deliveroo was a thing so running out of Calpol when it was needed or even just milk if she was under the weather was awkward

Financially, not having much money in the early years - that's a long forgotten time now fortunately but having to think about every penny.

My parents live on the same road so they've always been a massive help, not sure how others cope without that

My DS is 24 now so this is far behind me, but I remember this crushing sense of responsibility, and the guilt at never feeling I was good enough. XDP had little involvement with DS and was so unreliable I felt he was more trouble than he was worth.

The responsibility of everything. Like when DC are ill there's no one to give a sanity check or second opinion. I could ask a friend or the internet, but no one knows the DC well except me.

The fact that noone else cares like you do. Noone to bounce problems or concerns off about your child who is as invested as you are.

Getting my hair cut.

I could organise everything else. After school, holiday clubs, sick leave during the week etc. school, dentists, doctors, not an issue.

But getting 2.5 hours free on a Saturday was the most difficult.

DS is 16 now and everything is easy. Nearly managed it! 🙂

Trying to coparent with an evil human being. I met someone else and don't really consider myself a single parent anymore but my god, DD1s dad is still constantly trying to ruin my life and I'm counting down the days until she's 18 and I can block him forever

It all being on me. All earning, paying for things, childcare/arranging childcare, appointments, dealing with SEN/suspected SEN x3, being DS1's representative with DWP, shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, DIY/arranging tradespeople (and paying them), holiday planning and executing, school runs, pack ups, PE kits, dress up days/cake sales/theme days etc, homework, clubs, illnesses and more. I'm also dealing with an autoimmune disease and perimenopause and I'm worn out. Anyone who thinks that single mums are lazy and should work more rather than claim a bit of universal credit while the children are young and needy can shove their opinion.

The mental load of it all being down to you 24/7

The bitterness I feel that XP is able to cruise through life and cherry pick just the fun bits of being a parent, while the entire burden of all the grunt work sits squarely on my shoulders. And I can't even wish him ill, because if something terrible happens to him it will impact the DC.

When you feel
Poorly

Definitely dealing with their father. He must really enjoy making my life more difficult, there's no other explanation.

Sleeping

I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in years because I’m always thinking about stuff when I used to be the type that fell asleep when my head hit the pillow. My kids are adults/old teen so haven’t disturbed me at night for years.

Would also love someone to talk things through- good and bad. I’m indecisive even with someone to confide in and as the parent, sometimes you can’t discuss with the child(ren)

Being the only one to make important decisions.
Letting go, they’re 21 and 18 now, letting them make their own way in the world without anyone else to reassure that they’ll be okay.

The weight of the worry - both financial but also am I scaring them with my parenting?

The organisation is hard too but my three calendar system (!) seems to be working okay.

Loneliness, tiredness, wondering if that happy go lucky me of 12 years ago will ever make an appearance again. Along with a tidy home.

Money. The financial hit being a lone parent is huge. Till about a year ago I didn’t have sole care. Now I do (older, not young children) but blimey. The cost. It’s staggering. I can’t imagine having had to do this when mine were younger and needing childcare.

that, and the practical lack of time which comes with working full time, running a house and running two kids :)

i don’t mind the emotional side of things or the making decisions, as have always been happy doing my own thing and am very practical but I do rue the lack of time and money.

The sheer heaviness of the responsibility. DD's "dad" disappeared off the face of the earth five years ago this December. It has been a really good thing as he was so mentally ill and unstable that he would only have caused her more suffering.
But at the same time, he has no idea that she is autistic and that I've had to take the brunt of everything for so long.
I have CPTSD officially diagnosed, not because of her but he played a huge part in it. Additionally I was extensively abused as a child.
Now it's me taking a black eye from a child who is the same size as me (she's 12 and I'm very short), getting screamed at for hours when she's in a meltdown, dealing with school because she very often refuses to go.
I don’t doubt that he will try to worm his way back in some day. I've had out of the blue calls from social services saying that he is "involved with the police" but they can't tell me why or how, just that they would open a case if he had any contact with DD.
I just wanted a family of my own. But here I am.

I'll be honest, after 20 years, I had forgotten I was a lone parent until I remembered this forum!!

The hardest bits were (in no particular order)

Having to drive my oldest to hospital with the strange variation of croup that can be fatal, with my other child hysterical about being driven at speed through the night. Younger child and me had to try and sleep curled up at the end of my oldest son's bed.

Trying to keep in contact with oldest when youngest was in resus with sepsis, knowing the oldest wasn't really old enough to stay at home by himself at such an awful time. (He was 15).

I could have had surgery to sort out a badly healed break in my arm but there has literally never been anyone to step in and look after them/do the housework. So I have had a fused elbow for 28 years.

Being taken to court 1000 times by my ex, who ended up with little then nothing because he is abusive/got a criminal record now.

Never having enough money.

Having to take both children to parent evenings with me. One has SEND so they have been at different schools so one child would always be in unfamiliar surroundings and they both had to try and behave OR as they got older, the teacher would talk to me and the relevant child and the other would pull faces and say "Oh dear...." if the other hadn't done well !!

Always having to sodding drive everywhere.

Bring spread so thin. Trying to be in two/3 places at once, and the guilt when one gets more support than another. Yesterday was a prime example. Two different games, two different clubs, overlapping times, trip to A&E, all the while abandoning a third!

It's overwhelming reading these. They're all the hardest bits aren't they.

Today having had 8-5 wfh meetings, no food as too busy until 6pm, cleaning up after one of the poor kids in between meetings for a few mins as they are home with a tummy bug, cooking dinner, cleaning up, washing, supervising homework and then logging back on to do yet more work....and I still let both my kids and my workplace down. Lone parenting is the job where you never feel like anyone gets what they need from you, least of all yourself.

Before I get called on my whingeing and asked if I want a medal, I don't, but I'd really like to feel like all the sacrifice will mean something. I fear that my lovely kids will grow up and move on as they should to build their lives and I'll be left as an empty shell.

That’s so sad. Kids don’t need loads and loads of individual attention and work free time. All they need is to be clean, fed, warm, loved and supported emotionally (most important by a country mile), and a bit of fun sometimes. It does not have to be theme parks and days out, at all, dancing around the kitchen and watching tv together sometimes is plenty.

You also need something for yourself whether that is spending an hour having coffee with a friend, having a once-a-week hobby etc.

I don’t completely subscribe to the ‘you’re doing the just, grunt work and they will thank you for it’ school of thought. That shouldn’t be your ultimate aim but it is some comfort. In the meantime you definitely need at least a little bit of fun and relaxation.

Do your kids ever see their other parent?

Couldn't leave this one. You won't be left an empty shell. I was single parent, both min are adults now and we have a lovely relationship now we're all in our different stages of life.

Yes, one has moved out and so they should. It was my love, encouragement and direction that got them there. Do we see each other as much as we want? No, but I have a family WhatsApp chat with my kids where we have a quick natter as well as longer one on one phone calls.

Life for me now is plenty of holidays. I only need to pay for myself (in theory, youngest managers to blag a freebie with me far too often). I also read books, would you imagine! Still hate cleaning so more time hasn't made a change there.

As their lives change, so will yours. You will have more time for the things you enjoy, along as developing a different relationship with your children. And, if they gain partners, someone else who joins your family too.

You will be good.