Ex wants son to live with him more of the time

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Ex and I have been separated 3 years and our three children live with me and stay every other weekend with him . He was emotionally abusive to me and the children, particularly to our eldest son. It was awful, DS tried to run away, would curl up on the floor sobbing. I asked ex to leave to improve the children's home life.

DS is now 14 and his relationship with his Dad has improved a bit but he still cries a lot at home about things and tells me he hates his Dad, he is a bully, he wishes his Dad was dead.

His Dad is a bully, can be very insensitive, shouts a lot and has made DS feel very guilty about the situation, as though he is somehow responsible for ensuring his Dad is happy (his Dad tells him how desperate and unhappy he is after I 'kicked him out', made him leave his own home...). As a result DS won't even tell him when he has a good day or talk about fun things he has done at home for fear of upsetting his Dad and making him feel depressed.

Yesterday DS son said that his Dad said he wants him to now live with him 50% of the time (just him, not our younger two children he wants them to continue going EOW). I have asked DS what he wants and have told him I will support his decisions. He his adamant he does not want to live with him but says he is too scared to say no to his Dad. I completely understand this, his Dad is emotionally abusive, twists things round, will take it very personally and will try to wear DS down about it. How would you approach this? I don't believe for one second that my ex is doing this for our son's benefit. I think he is lonely and angry and is doing it purely for himself. How can I help DS feel strong enough to voice his opinion?

You’ve been separated three years but are you actually getting divorced? Do uou have a financial settlement?

Yes I can apply for the final order now but I'm waiting for the financial settlement. I'm hoping we can have finances agreed any day now (have been negotiating via solicitors), then once agreed and approved by the court the house will be put on the market for sale

It's tricky one, I feel in a very difficult situation with it. If I refuse access he will take me to court and most likely get 50/50 with all three of them. So on my solicitor's advise I agreed the contract schedule with him. However, I never pressure any of the children to go - If they want to go that is fine, if they don't that is fine too. Ex on the otherhand would happily drag the kids out of the house kicking and screaming in a show of it being his decision not theirs. I have told him I will not allow that and have kept them home with me when they have not wanted to go. Most of the time they do want to see their Dad but are happy with the current living arrangements.

50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay maintenance or so he can claim universal credit maybe ???
sometimes abusive men like this just want to manipulate their kids or disrupt your family life as punishment . Tell him your son is not ready for 50/50 and just say no! Suggest If he would like to go to court then you would support your son but it may cost him a lot in court/solicitors fees 😰

This. It is not fair to force a vulnerable teenager to have to stand up against his bully of a father.
I'd add that when my parents split up many decades ago, my worst fear was that I would be asked to say where I wanted to live and have to voice out loud that I didn't want to live with my father, I was scared of upsetting him. You need to protect your son from this. He sounds as if his mental health is already affected, it's important that he can regain his equilibrium living in a quiet, safe space.

I think the maintenance is a big part of it, he loves to tell everyone (including the kids) that he has to give me all his money, he can't afford anything... I think he also wants to appear like the perfect father to his friends and family, desperate to have time with his children then there is the control aspect. He can't stand being told what he can or can't do

Thank you, you're absolutely right and I have reassured my son that I will tell his Dad no if he asks/tells me that overnight arrangements are changing. Son says his Dad hasn't mentioned it recently but his Dad is moving soon and once he has bought a house I'm sure he will tell me that he is having son more each week. I will tell him no, it is not in DS's best interests and not what he wants and is he ways things to change he can take it to court.

OP put the blame on to yourself
txt your ex and say ds will not be coining to live with you 50/50 because I say so .
infact none of the kids will be coming to live with you ever because your are abusive and manipulative. .

Why is your son still going to his dads?
surely he can never heal when he is going back to that man every week ?

How old is your youngest child?

Can you normalise going to therapy, for example go yourself or as a family? It sounds like your son really needs help, better to tackle these issues earlier before they have problems later on forming healthy lasting relationships.

Well l wouldn't let any of the children see him if this is how he is.
Their poor mental health.

Youngest is 7

Okay, that's really hard, isn't it - over 12, the child's voice is taken very seriously indeed, but if the little one is only 7 then you don't want to risk him seeking 50/50 just to pay you back. I think you saying no, the present arrangements work, is all you can do. Just a nightmare. So sorry you have such an oxygen thief as an ex.

it isnt that simple or that clear cut. For starters there's often no let about it with younger kids and if OP takes him to court or refuses to let him see the kids there's always a risk he'll get more time in court. These situations are very hard to evidence and he'd probably argue that OPs poisoned the kids against him and some judges would agree with this take. So you're relying on getting the right judge or him not fighting it. Despite what people on MN like to advise many abusive men fight for and get significant amounts of contact with their kids.

Secondly it's not necessarily mentally healthier for children to have no contact with one parent even in a situation like this. He sounds a lot like a my XH. My DC have seen a child psychologist who's worked with them a lot to provide support around everything that's happened and they agree that that relationship is important to have and so we support around that. Sometimes the situation is dangerous enough that you can say it's absolutely not in their best interests to have contact, mostly it's not as clear cut. The other parent is half their DNA, is a big part of them and who they are. Cutting out a parent, even a bad one, can cause a lot of trauma, pain and mental damage, especially for young children and it is not as simple as you're making out.

I feel I'm in a difficult situation with this. My solicitor strongly advised me not to withhold contact and to stick to making them available for the current arrangements and if they don't want to go when he comes to pick them up don't force them. Youngest has quite a good relationship with him and is usually very happy to go

I have suggested therapy to him but he isn't keen on the idea. Going as a family could work, I hadn't thought of that. Thank you. I think talking to someone would help him

It looks as though ex is now thinking of going for 50/50 with the kids as he has made comments to our youngest telling him Daddy will give you treats every day if you stay with me for a week at a time. I think it is all to do with money after I didn't agree to a 50/50 split of the money from the house (I asked for a 60/40 split of equity from the house and he is furious). I have spent the evening crying, it will break the kids hearts if they are made to live with each of us a week at a time.