Any fully lone parents with no family support here who work full time? I just don't think I can do it

[Cafelattes]

I am widowed, one dc aged nearly 5, I have zero childcare support from family (sadly, they live locally but won't help). A few months ago I started a new job that took me from 4 days a week to 5. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but it was a pay increase too, and a mostly wfh role, so I thought I'd find a way to make it work.

But... I don't think I can. I'm just so exhausted and I cannot stay on top of the work at all. It's a technical role and by Friday I'm so drained it's like my brain just can't do it anymore. Then I have my dc all weekend so I can't switch off or catch up. It's 50/50 whether I'll even pass probation.

Anyone else working ft in this situation, how do you do it? I'm gutted because the extra money makes a big difference but I don't think I can live like this.

It’s hard.

The thing for me is that even if money were no object: I wouldn’t want to spend more time doing housework or childcare.

So that’s what keeps me in the game, and why I wouldn’t consider part-time hours. If you want to spend more time at home, then probably that’s a factor for your decision.

I throw money at the problem where I can I.e have a cleaner but still have issues around availability of childcare.

There’s no prizes for ‘getting it right’, so I think it’s figuring out what’s important for you and then just prioritising.

Ah I've finally found my corner of mumsnet! This is me - lone parent, completely absent dad, difficult relationship with my own family who I moved away from, limited friends who don't offer practical support, full time work (plus extra part time job). I'm completely wiped out at the moment. One child is getting easier as she gets older, the other one harder. My energy seems to go less far these days too. I don't have any solutions but solidarity to you all ❤

as a long term LP I'd much rather have a modest lifestyle and more free time. Not that much time is "free" even when working p/t. This means I cut my cloth accordingly! Second hand clothes, modest holidays, cut kids hair myself, cheap or free activities. I'm used to it now. I burned myself out so badly and decided to take a step back to less hours and it was so worth it. With the extra time I can make cost savings. Little treats are our treats - walks, picnics, movies.... nothing extravagant. But I love it. I'm working on a project to earn more money in the longer term too. But for now I'd rather not kill myself. Better than being permanently run down and stressed.

I hear you OP. I raised my DS by myself and his DGF died when he was 10. It was sometimes beyond impossible and I honestly don't know how I did it. I know I used to cry from exhaustion.

Starting a new job is exhausting and you are doing it on top of your DC, the house and everything else. Is there anything you can cut back on? Some quick easy dinners for a bit? A little less laundry? Just until you are on an easy keel.

If you can please try to continue to work full time. It will make a difference for your pension and make you better placed later for a promotion.

If you can afford it, hello fresh or Gousto or the like makes a huge difference in both time spent shopping and mental load.

Don’t hold yourself to mad high standards either. Nobody ever died from not dusting, and if you only spend 20 minutes once a week whizzing the hoover round then so be it.

I've yet to find something that makes sorting clean laundry bearable though.

Jumping on this thread as I was madly searching for somewhere that someone understands me. I'm a lone parent, DH died years ago and prior to that he was completely absent die to illness. Basically I've been walking up the parent mountain alone for almost ten years. My now 9&10 year old still require lots of support for grief and we have no other family around to help. I haven't really had any strategy that's necessarily worked well, aside from grit my teeth and get on with it. I've developed clinical depression that nearly cost me my life a couple of years ago, which I believe was due to 7 years of exhaustion and being chronically stressed due to life managing kids, house, work alone. I've been building life back up since. Still struggling and sadly heading back to the same place as before where I feel so alone, so inadequate (doing the job of two parents, with or without family around, is near impossible) and just so tired.
The main advice I received is keep going, take each day as it comes, accept any short cuts and don't expect perfection. I admit I've been doing this for years tho and it's not really solved any problems. This weekend has been particularly trying since 2 out of us three have had norovirus and it left the eldest child to try to navigate that. Very difficult and whilst I have some local friends, they are busy working full time now and don't need to share childcare due to being well supported.
I lean on some after school clubs but can't afford too many and I can't afford to pay for services beyond that. I get Pupil Premium in school so that helps cover school dinners and some school holidays there are some clubs I can use. I earn a low income and work part time 4 days which is a bit wobbly due to my health, but on the whole manageable. Mostly I'm effected by bearing all the stress and impact of parenting two kids on my own. It's so hard, most of the time. I know there is no magic wand, but I'm desperate to find others that understand how hard this life is. Hopefully I've found a space here. Thank you.

@Hdhc I hope you are ok, that all sounds very, very tough! So sorry to hear about your DH. Although I've not lost someone in that way (my heart goes out to you), I can empathise a bit - my child's father has been very unavailable since our child was born due to long term illness, and I have looked after our kid alone since birth 100% pretty much and our kid always lived with me 100% of the time and I have no family locally. Carrying the burden alone is tough and you are doing amazingly! Especially as you have two kids and I can't imagine how hard it is to go through such grief with them and support them. Hang in there.

Since being a single parent I have realised that health outcomes are often much worse for single parents due to the constant stress.

All I can say is now my kid is at secondary things are much much easier and as children generally get themselves to and from school hopefully things will ease up a bit for you by then. I hope you are looking after yourself a bit.

If you want to PM me any time to offload stress you are more than welcome, or come back on the thread to chat through it! We are here in solidarity.

Thank you @transplantplant I really appreciate your reply. It is so hard doing it all alone and you are right about the stress.
I hope secondary will bring some ease, 3 years ahead and they will both be there. For now I've just got to keep going as you say.

@Hdhc I find the only way to get through is to always have something to look forwards to in the calendar. Even if it is something super simple like meet with a friend for a walk if I get a spare half an hour, a visit somewhere nice, or buying myself a beer to enjoy at the weekend. Your kids will be old enough to be left on their own a tiny bit soon (makes popping to the shop or going for a quick walk a bit easier!) so hopefully that stuff will get a little easier. Thinking of you!!

@Hdhc have you got any way to increase your wage at all? Training or move sideways or different job?

Hi @Hdhc , I'm amazed this thread is a year old. I'm still in the job, I managed to hang in there, it's got easier in the sense that I know the job and I guess I've got my routines in place.

But my god I am tired, I'm constantly on the go, some days I barely draw breath and then it's on to the next thing. I kind of feel life is passing me by?
Plus I lurch from one childcare crisis to the next, my manager is never happy because there's always something at the school, or DD is ill, or I'm ill...it just never ends does it.

Hi, I get it! @Cafelattes Glad you’ve managed to find some routine.

I was widowed 8 yrs ago now when my son was 2 and have worked nearly full time since then, and yes, it’s totally exhausting. I don’t have any support network (useless/abusive/difficult family, MIL helps a bit but she’s quite childish so I keep it to a minimum). I relate to pp who said other people don’t seem to have a need to reciprocate with friendship/childcare as they have their own existing support networks.

I relate to feeling like life is passing me by as there’s not much time left over for yourself when your kids are little and you’re doing everything yourself.

My son has started high school now, and having climbed the ranks a couple of times at work I feel like I’m starting to make a bit of progress financially. No more childcare to pay for. And now my boy is older he doesn’t want me so much and he goes out with his friends a bit, so I have more time to myself. I’ve given up on online dating or finding another partner and feel more at peace with that. So everything has eased up a bit. I don’t worry so much about everything these days and feel more rested - though still feel isolated, as years of being a young widowed parent and feeling tied to the house (bar paying extortionate babysitter fees) has made it really hard to socialise/date or build any meaningful connections.

To those with smaller children - hang on in there. It feels relentless at the time and like you’ll never catch your breath, but you will eventually.

Definitely never ends. I'm lucky because my work is flexible and I earn well but, of course, the downside of that is that it's also very demanding. It's easier now but when DD was younger it was tough.

Just keep ploughing on. The early years are murder and every night I use to gaze at my sleeping kids and think thank goodness I managed to get through another day. It felt really tough but has got easier recently. I’ve two autistic kids and it’s just me, without help.

Things which have helped me include getting a cleaner once a week. She has her own key. Even if I’m away she can let herself in. There are days when I would get down on my knees to thank her. She has done the odd bit of babysitting too.

Cleaner
Deliveroo shopping
Milkman service which drops items off if ordered before 9pm
Robot Hoover also useful
Tumble Dryer
Extra Freezer with extra items

Back ups of £1 gloves, socks etc.

Apply for any benefits you might be entitled to. I was surprised that I was entitled to anything. Credit unions are useful for saving up money for Xmas etc.

Be prepared to have days when you just need a reset and do very little. Everyone here has been in jammies all day.

Mumsnet has a saying “Everyone’s fed and nobody’s dead”. Some days this is all you can manage.

It gets easier and will be worth it so keep plodding.

Finally! Hello! these are my people Does anyone want to connect on video or in real life?