Hi - I could really use some advice from someone who has been through similar before. I moved to NI with my 2 year old 6 months ago with my ex's consent and agreement. He lives in England. He is now not happy with the arrangement. Is there an amicable way to settle this in my daughter's best interests?
Backstory
Ex has recently diagnosed ADHD, has always struggled to control his emotions/temper, has been unreliable, not a good partner. Bought a house to show I was really committed to making it work with him in England when our daughter was born.
To set the scene - our daughter was born by c section with complications, he left at 2am, fine, was allowed back at 8am but slept in, with his phone out of battery, rolled in at lunch time and when I queried it saying I was frightened (no family in England and no idea where he was and in pain with a frigging new born baby) he got angry at me and said WELL YOU HAD A BED BIRDGIRL21. All the signs were there.)
Honestly he is not a bad person, he just was no support, no help with the baby, and I really hope now he has been diagnosed he can start to learn and put things into place.
ANYWAY, post natal depression, no help, no support, lonely, tired, he wont do any night feeds because he has to work - from home - mostly tootling about on his guitar, at the weekends he lays in. Im starting to resent everything and im flying home every 6 weeks in bits. He gets made redundant, I have to go back to work earlier than I wanted to, Im paying the mortgage, hes drinking all the time and getting angry at me blah blah, we still have our girl in nursery 2 days a week so he can apply for jobs - but he says nothing suits him. Im getting in debt.
My dad dies, he panics the day after the funeral and lashes out at me which results in a 5 hour craze with me in the corner cowering, cant snap him out of it, we obviously break up, im done, i gave it a go.
He gets a new job which starts in 10 days - we have no childcare, we have no money - do i give up my job so he can start his?? thats not happening. I suggest kid and I move to NI, its cheaper to live, lots of family to help with childcare, he agrees, we move that weekend, its done, i start to heal and build a new life, its tough, but I finally feel like I can breathe. Kid is thriving in countryside with lots of family and cousins.
6 months later, Im getting drunk calls cause hes lonely and wants to chat, im getting calls where he is crying down the phone at me, very unpredictable, but always ends up with him screaming down the phone, calling me names, threatening solicitors, threatening to pull out of the house sale (nearly at completion) I'm really OK with that because I know I've done everything in DD's best interests, I have kept my cool, I have been accommodating as possible, even letting him stay in my new safe place house until he once again proved he couldnt control his temper. I have advised he now needs to get a hotel as I wont be spoken to like that in my house.
He pays towards her childcare when I beg him, but not enough to even cover half the fees.
He says I have to bring her over to England every 8 weeks, (he doesnt know where he will be living and he has no family to rely on for childcare) and every other month he will boot me out of my house and stay there because he has rights.
Im not doing any of that, she is 2.5 and I have no idea where he will be so I cant agree to anything. I have brought her over a few times at my own expense, and stayed in hotels, he is having her over the christmas period, I facetime him every day - im trying really hard but this aggro is unsustainable. I moved 300 miles to get away from his behaviour but I feel like its just in my pocket all the time.
Just to note - my mum had exactly the same thing when i was born - moved over to NI when I was 2 to be closer to family because my dad didnt support her and she had no network. So this feels quite complicated for me, I didnt have a great relationship with my dad, I didnt see him often and we just never clicked. I resented leaving my friends and family to stay in strange surroundings with strange people and my dad would be working all the time anyway. and he died recently. So theres a lot going on and I might not be thinking clearly.
Any advice on how to deal with this? How often is often enough? Should I let him stay in my house? I feel really panicky at the thought of it, this is my safe place, and the England house did not feel safe. Should I go straight to sols? He is threatening but wont get his arse in gear to arrange it, or pay for it.
I'm a bit lost.
Thanks for reading. Feels better even to write it all down.