Single Mums, I need your opinion & advice please re dsd & ex wife

[Alexa808]

A few weeks ago, both dsd & dss were staying with us. He took dss out with him but the little girl didn't want to play rugby but wanted to come to the shops with me as I needed to pick up stuff from Harrods & King's Rd. which is a million times more interesting she said.

Fine I said, we'll have a girly afternoon and my dh said to me: If you walk past a shoe shop, could you get her a new pair as she's not comfy in the ones she's got here (we also keep dss & dsd's clothes in our house). No probs I said.

Off we went and after a really great time with her (she's only 8 but we spoke about loads of things, checked out all the make-up counters and picked up my stuff) we went to Russell&Bromley and I bought her dark ballerinas as I thought she could wear it with her school unfiform, too and satin ballerinas because she just adored them.

On the way back home we decided to sit in a cafe and enjoy smoothies and let the boys do their 'boy thing' as she said ;-)

Anyhoo, to cut a long story short. After handing them over on Sunday her Mum went spastic that I had taken her out with me and called me dp irresponsible and untrustworthy and that he cared nothing for his kids and what a stuck up cow I was and how I dared buying her crap.

I am naturally very hurt, thinking about what I did wrong. She's never liked me but this sort of attack is new and now she doesn't want the kids to see their Dad if I'm in the house. Trouble is we live together and she knows it. I cannot go somewhere else as I don't really have close friends or relatives here and I don't want to stay in a hotel or go away (no dosh).

It all got really nasty and my dp said she's furious because you get along with the kids so well.

Uhm...OKAY...I can understand that to some extent...but this behaviour is out of order. I sent her a text apologizing if I made a mistake, I only did it to make the her daughter happy, I'm sorry for upset, I'd never speak badly of her and thought she'd like it if I did something her dd would enjoy, I never dream of taking her mum's place.

No response and still vitriol. She told dp: either the kids or me.

Help! What can I do?

It is easy when you are learning a second language to pick up words which are offensive and inappropriate. I sometimes think that some native speakers like to use these words in front of foreign nationals in order to find it funny when they start using them. (When I lived in Germany, people always seemed to want to teach me offensive words.)

I echo what others have said about the birth mother's reaction not being your problem.

It is understandable that some people feel insecure, sensitive, and sometimes resentful, about situations where the other parent has moved on and has a new partner. Many parents on here have expressed a wish that their children do not see new partners of the non-resident parent. But it is unreasonable to insist on this long term and you are living with the children's father.

I suspect that the children's mother may have stored up resentment from a long time ago and there was no outlet for it. Your buying the shoes and taking her daughter out with you on your own has tipped the balance and this stored-up resentment (possibly more at your partner than at you because she doesn't really know you, does she?) has been released.

It is not reasonable for her to not allow you to be present during the children's visits. But how do the children feel? If they are happy with you, she should put their happiness first. If they would prefer more time with their father alone, this should be taken into consideration. Your partner should speak to her and try and sort things out. Maybe you could all sit down together or you could write her a letter, or whatever, but it is more likely that things will be resolved or progress if there is some more communication between all of you. Meeting up would be good, I think. She might want to lay down a set of rules for you so that she feels she has some control of the situation. This may seem a bit unnecessary but might be worth going along with in order to reach some kind of understanding with her and smooth the way for progress.

On the step-parenting thread, you can read that many step mothers find it takes a long time and lots of effort before they gain any kind of trust from the birth mother. But many people seem to get there in the end.

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Sorry you find that term offensive, Aimsmum. Actually, I can see what you mean. It's not necessary to add the 'birth' bit so I am not sure why I did. Makes it sound like something to do with adoption.

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I understand. Words and phrases can take on negative/offensive meanings due to the context in which they are used. 'Spastic' being an example of this.

We've been together for 2 yrs, they split about 2 before that. (Was amicable and mutual but I think what YKNOTC said is true, her new dp left her and now feels she misses out maybe.) Can only guess. We've never really met, but she's seen me when handing over the dsc and I originally thought time would allow me to get closer...(naive, I know).

SAN, yes I know what you mean. I have taught people naughty stuff in my mother tongue before and cracked up laughing, though I find English to be harder, as sometimes the English use words to each other which are used in a mock sort of way but when a foreigner uses them, the context is missing and it is actually an insult.

The kids are happy, both actually said I'm more fun than their Dad and I'm more like them because I'll screech and play hide and seek or paint with them or play tricks on their Daddy./ It's nice to see them squeal with laughter and we get along well. But I'm sure they feel the tension from their Mum who's taken to screaming at dp in their presence.

The ex never showed resentment, just wouldn't say hi but I put it down to us not being introduced and her keeping to herself. I didn't try to make friends big time because I didn't want to seem insincere but I thought over time we might chat and have something in common or have a laugh with the kids.

Aimsmum, she actually said she thinks it's important the kids spend 1-on-1 time with their Dad only and not with me. But when they do go out dp and dsc, they always ask me to come with them and esp. the girl will throw a strop if it's only 'the boys' and no other girl (me).

They did spend a 1 week holiday together 2 months ago and he once took them down to Kent on the WE, all without me. Felt a bit left out but thought how I felt with my parents. (I'm my Dad's second daughter and I loved monopolising him...).

I'm scared she will set down rules I cannot follow because it's against my feelings, but I'm crap at saying no. And I also feel guilty because I shouldn't be selfish, I am after all an adult and can reason.

I posted on Lone Parents, because I really wanted to know if you think I overstepped the mark by taking my dsd shopping. I will speak to dp to speak to her.

I think she is feeling very left out of the new "family" you are making with her children. She sees you all together having fun, and that must be very difficult for her. It seems as though she hadn't even considered that you might be alone with dss or dsd during your dp's time with them. Perhaps she was just very shocked and reacted badly.

A discussion is needed, especially if she is shouting around the children, for their sakes. Let her set down rules like bed times, food they can have, etc. and perhaps a period of adjustment where you agree for x months to not take either out on their own - until she's comfortable with the idea IYSWIM. But leaving them alone with their dad - i.e. without you - is not a long term solution.

Set out rules on how she will deal with things when she gets a new partner - this way she might see how unreasonable she is being. Compromise on what you can, be sympathetic to her, but do not let her ruin the time the children have with both of you.

You sound like a very nice step-mum to have, and should be very proud of how you have built the relationship between you and your dsc

Good luck - remember that rationality doesn't always come into parenthood.

YKNOTC, thank you so much for your support. Your kind words really cheered me up. I think you made me realize that whatever she will set out will not be forever and it's just a phase until she finds someone new.

I have to say I'm lucky that my dsc are really that: darlings. They are well-mannered (which must come from her and I really appreciate it), they help in the household and paint pictures for me (wonky blob: That's you Alex, yes you...) and it's the first time I've had kids around me in my adult life which made me feel quite protective of them and wanting to see them get ahead in life.

Easter is coming soon, maybe I'll go home to see my parents and dp can have the kids, to cool the situation off and talk in April and let her take the lead a bit and talk about herself.

Thanks to all you strong mums for sharing your views. I wish you luck and love.

Bye for now...

I have just read this thread and i am shocked!!! Perhaps Alexa808 did use a term that some people may find offencive but there was no need to jump on her like that!!! She came looking for some support after he dp's ex caused an argument out of nothing.
I can understand if you want to correct Alexa but some of the things said were really pathetic. She had to appologise god knows how many times. It was 1 small mistake she made and wasnt said to provoke an argument!

charlotte - those of us who were so upset at first have children with SN.
maybe if you had your child reffered to in those terms regularly you would understand the offence it causes when an adult uses them.

her apology has been accepted and she has recieved teh support she has asked for.

My sister has a lot of special needs so I can understand y u might have been upset but i still think it was the worng way to go about educating someone about words like that. I just think people over reacted thats all. (not condoning that people go about using derogitory words, but going for the jugular perhaps isnt the best sollution.) I mean reporting her was just over the top. It was an innocent mistake not intended to offend.

I agree Charlotte, way over the top.

Charlotte at first I think it was suspected that Alexa was trolling for a reaction. This is clearly not the case.

It then became clear that Alexa's first language is not English and she did not realise that the term was offensive. I felt it was important to explain fully why people were offended by it and how it is comparable to using a racist/sexist term. It hurts people.

When Alexa realised just how hurtful it was she apologised profusely. People went for the jugular because they thought she was trying to upset them. Mumsnet clearly decided that there was no cause to delete this thread, so no harm done.

Now! Back to Alexa! (Sorry about that, as far as I'm concerned the whole thing is done and dusted. I hope I didn't offend you at all, just wanted to get across why that term shouldn't be used)
I think that sounds like a very nice thing to do. It's so nice to hear you give their mum the credit for their behaviour, despite her behaviour towards you and their dad. I hope it all works out - would love to hear a happy ending to this one.

I don't see how his ex-W can dictate whether or not you are in your own home during the weekends when his kids visit. Why on earth should you have to go out and wander the streets, just to accommodate her insecurities? If it wasn't a problem when she had another partner, then it shouldn't be a problem now. The bottom line here is that the kids should feel settled and comfortable and, as far as I can see, the only person jeopardising that at the moment, is her.
Oh, and to give the OP the benefit of the doubt, might she have meant to say "ballistic" instead?

I was really surprised at first by the harsh reaction, because my colleagues use it quite frequently when someone has outbursts of senseless rage and no one ever batted an eyelid, not even senior directors.

When it's not your mothertongue and not your home country, then you try to fit in with the rest and use the colloquial words they use as not to stand out with your school English.

In hindsight, it is a terrible term because you're demeaning a critical illness and making fun of it. I apologized because I realised, that the mums on this thread may be hurt because they may have dcs suffering from it or know friends who have.

Thanks Charlotte, yes, I was just shocked at the hurt I caused but YKNOTC has helped to soften the blow by giving me a chance to understand.

Clam, I actually just looked up ballistic and yes, it does fit much better, thanks.
I can really see myself filling out a day being away from home (gym, lunch, coffee, movie), but not for 3. And the kids ask for me. It's actually nice to do something as a group, we went to Madam Tusseauds before and it was great fun as I hadn't been for 15 years. My dsc give me the excuse to visit things I liked as a child and fool around in Hyde Park hitting other people with my badly aimed badminton feather ball...

My dp and I now agreed I'll see my parents on Easter and he'll spend time with his kids on his own. After that he will ask ex wive for lunch and speak to her about it and suggest her and I meet for the first time to get to know each other.

I have made my mind up I will let her set down guide lines and voice concerns -within reason. But yes, I cannot hex myself into the wardrobe or roam West London for 3 days.

She must be hurt because the new partner left her and she feels the kids are all she's got, maybe also dp being a bit too happy for her liking, don't know. It wasn't like this before, so I hope she'll get back to normal. She was usually very calm.

Ballistic is a brilliant word - use it loudly and often

You are being very understanding. You are a part of your dp's life and therefore will be a part of his dc's lives. I think meeting her properly is a really good idea. I can understand how difficult it can be to entrust your children to someone your ex has chosen and you have not. I'm sure once she sees how concerned you are for their welfare and how you don't want to take her place she will relax a little (fingers crossed anyway!)

As you said, make sure any boundaries decided are reasonable and agreed by everyone.

It sounds like your work colleagues are a bunch of ignoramuses! It's a discriminatory word that should not be used. It's a shame you had to go through the beginning of this thread simply because they don't know better.

I wish you all the luck in the world

Thanks dear. Feel a bit better now, have also just raided the team fridge and eaten all the chocolates so that helped

Alexa I dont think this saga is anything to do with your partners ex's ex boyfriend and her not liking it cause he is happy, the ex is probably annoyed because on an access visit your partner is the one that is supposed to be looking after the children but instead she has someone she dont even looking after her daughter, Im surprised that you havn't met before in 2 years. As for the word you used I dont think there are that many people that are ignorant of what is or is not acceptable in society, although you say english isnt your mother tongue your grammer seems to be very good, also, why did you post this in the lone parent section rather than any other one or here, was it to get a reaction ?, hmmmmmmm

i feel like the ex-wife you speak of.

my dh has only been with his gf for 6months and i too go ballistic when this gf takes my dd out ... it is a horrible feeling to know she is kissing my children,(and kissing my dh) taking them shopping, whatever they say they have done with her.
i hate all of it. Makes me wish i could die.

thank your lucky stars you are in your position and not HERS.

OK, so strictly speaking DP ought to look after both kids 100% of access time, but in a set-up where both parents live with "their" natural kids, there are often times when 1 child wants to do something that the other doesn't. So, you box and cox and spread the load so everyone's needs are met. Isn;t that what's happening here? The OP is helping to keep everyone happy. Except their mother who, not unreasonably, finds it difficult to imagine "her" DCs playing happy families with someone else. But it seems to me that the OP has been bending over backwards to be reasonable and magnaminous about the whole set-up. The ex-W ought to be glad that her kids have a good time at their dad's, although I recognise that we're not all perfect enough to be that grown-up about it all the time.

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It could be a financial thing.

If ex W is hard up (even if she receives maintenance) it could stick in the throat to know that another woman is buying expensive stuff if she is struggling.

My ex and his new DP just took the DCs on a very very expensive holiday. It appears that she paid for most of it telling him to pay 'what he can'(I said to ex H 'she'll learn!!).

It did piss me off slightly that they were swanning around in 5 * luxury whilst I am considering making a claim for hb (even though i work ft) due to high rental costs.

And he is always moaning about not having money. Charged me for six eggs recently that he bought on the way round to drop DS2 at mine - DS2 wanted to make a cake.

I haven't met her - am quite happy to meet her but my exH seems to be keeping us apart. LOL

Just a thought. But generally I would be pleased if things worked out with DCs and ex and new DP. In fact I am positively encouraging them to integrate because I think it is in the DCs best interest.

I think the XW should get over herself. The more kind, caring adults a child has in his or her life, the better, and it's such a pity when people start acting up over trivial sexual jealousy.