AIBU co parenting with a lying ex DH

[cocomel]

Hoping to gain some insight as to whether I am totally overreacting!

To give some context. DH and I separated last year following poor behaviour on his part (infidelities, theft, lying) when our twins were 8 months old. He left the family home and started a new life elsewhere and went quite some stretches without seeing the twins, effectively leaving me to raise them myself.

Fast forward to early this year, his new life hasn't worked out the way he'd hoped and despite his pleas, there's no going back for us. I have just asked him to be a good father.

As it stands, he sees the twins once or twice a week at the weekends. Which leaves me as sole parent the rest of the week, whilst also juggling a full time job.

I have just got through a really awful period of both twins simultaneously being poorly (ear/chest infections/conjunctivitis/colds... you name it) and at 18 months old they're both demanding enough without illness added to boot!

So this weekend Ex DH said he wanted to take twins to soft play today. I said no. As the weather was set to be nice I felt fresh air would be better for them and also the last few times they've been to soft play they've returned poorly within a few days. I know all babies have to build their immune systems but on a nice day like today was, I felt a trip to the park( which they love!) or any other event outdoors in the fresh air would be just as good. Added to the fact I am incredibly busy at work and can't really deal with more broken sleep alone right now... I just want to avoid any run of illness!

After some grumbling ex DH agreed. I spoke to him on the phone when he was at the park and he said they were having a great time and he had just put sun cream on them both and they were settling for a picnic.

Anyway... this evening a friend of mine has messaged to say she saw ex DH and the twins at soft play! She even went as far as describing the (distinctive) outfits they were both wearing so I know it was them she saw. Ex DH has form for lying, and would himself admit he's a compulsive liar, so I know he took them there despite me asking him not to.

I know in reality, he's done nothing "wrong" by taking them to soft play, and in reality kids pick up bugs everywhere. But my greater concern is the lengths he went to to lie, and then continued to lie, even talking to me about what parts of the parks the twins played on!!

How do I move forward from this? How do I coparent with someone who I don't trust and who lies without thinking and doesn't respect my wishes?!

And yes, parallel parenting rather than co, as @Timehaspassed says…it’s a lot less stressful than trying to get him to communicate properly!

I'm interested in how he's just as much a parent as I am @SunnySaturdayMorning when he abandoned them at 7 months old. Went weeks at a time (on a number of occasions) without seeing them (missing their first birthday and Christmas) withheld money whilst I was on mat leave so I was unable to pay for shopping and bills, stole all of our savings and basically left me to raise them for months until his new relationship ended and he decided he wanted to come back into their lives? I take care of everything from their food, clothes, medical, childcare, development... whilst myself working a busy FT job. During the week he will text me once or twice a day to ask how they are, but that's about all he contributes.

He is 40 and now lives with his parents and has only had them overnight there once. I was desperate for a full nights unbroken sleep. He was due to take them back to his parents yesterday but at the last moment cancelled stating his Mum was unwell so I relented and let him stay here whilst I stayed with my sister nearby. I hate him being in this house, that he walked out of, but I feel I have no choice if I'm ever to have a break.

Divorce will be finalised in a few weeks (delayed because he dragged his feet on signing off the final bits of the financials). I have had to pay for the divorce as he refused.

Upon completion I'll be putting the house on the market and have the joy of having to facilitate viewings and solicitors and moving myself and two young children. I have already told him when we move into our new home it's MY home and he won't be welcome to use it as a base to see the children and will need to make his own arrangements.

I was married to your ex too, I think!

So here's what you do.

1. Pull the plug on all facilitating. He certainly doesn't stay over. BOUNDARIES - get some!

If he's seeing his kids, he needs to arrive on time & equipped (spare clothes, nappies, snacks - whatever they need). Wave them off. Do not supply ANYTHING other than whatever you've dressed them in. He's a parent - if they need wellies or swim trunks or spare pants, he can provide them.

2. once you've waved them off, it's HIS time. Ok, you would not have taken them to soft play. Whatever. His time, his call.

You'll save endless conflict & he'll have to get his shit together.

Perfect your 'soothing but not actually sorting it out for him' murmur of 'oh dear...really?' when he grumbles that he had to buy pants because someone had an accident or someone threw up 5 minutes after leaving McDonalds. Oh dear. Never mind eh! Everyone's alive!

Just DROP THE ROPE. You don't micromanage, you don't facilitate & you don't let the bugger wind you up.

If he's endlessly bickering with you about whether he's 'allowed' to go to soft play, he's still being YOUR job to manage. You have better things to do & he isn't your priority to organise. Let him step up.

ugh sorry he’s a dick

He’s just as much a parent as you because he helped create them. In the eyes of the law, barring abuse, that’s all that matters.

You need to stop enabling him. You don’t need to sort anything for him. You just give him the twins when it’s his time and then it’s up to him to look after them and parent them how he wishes.

He doesn’t need to liaise with you. You need to let any notion of that go.

I can see where you are coming from. You are the one who has to deal with them picking up a bug. Yes toddlers get sick but it’s tough going when they start picking up one thing after another. A couple months ago with my toddler we cut down on going places where he would likely pick something else up.
Any reasonable person can see where your coming from and would give soft play a miss for one week. You are unlikely going to be able to reason with your Ex. He will do as he sees fit especially as it’s not him that has to deal with the fall out. You may in fact notice he purposely goes against you. So you have no choice but to not react as much as possible.

I honestly wish society would stop expecting so little from men when it comes to parenting.

Whilst I do agree it's not up to one parent to decide what the other parent does on their contact time, it's an absolute pile of shit that the OP has to prep everything for the contact time, plus deal with any fall out from it because the "father" only sees his kids for a few hours a week and doesn't do any of the daily care or juggling work and sick kids etc that the OP has to and is incapable of looking after his own kids.

All I can say OP is that I am so sorry you've been saddled with such a pathetic arsewipe of a man to raise your kids with.

Parenting twin babies on your own makes you super-human in my eyes and one day your DC will realise everything you did for them and will love you all the more for it.

the OP has to prep everything for the contact time

@StopMindlesslyScrolling She doesn’t have to. She’s choosing to.

Thankyou very much for your kind words @StopMindlesslyScrolling

@SunnySaturdayMorning I choose to because if I don't I know that my 18 month old twins won't be clothed/fed appropriately. They are not an age where they can communicate their needs beyond crying and the thought of that breaks my heart and I'm not going to let them suffer to teach their father a lesson.

Thankyou to those on the thread who have given some great advice, particularly around parallel parenting. I am hopeful as the twins get older this may get easier (hopefully!)

How odd some comments lying and not being a fit parent are 2 totally different things lol. Lying does not make you an unfit parent. I have a month younger twins and no way would I tell the ex what to do in his time with them and our 2 others when he gets them. Bugs can be got from anywhere and quite frankly just between the twins there often ill colds etc etc as is the 3 yr old aswell. It's not your place to question what ex does with the kids when out for a few hours. His relationship should be nurtured with the kids thats it anything between yous is a totally different subject. I'm all for happy children no dramas.

Don't sort their lunch for him! They are 18 months surely they just eat normal food now? Suggest he does a first aid course maybe, and reads about preparing food safety for children (cutting up grapes etc), then let him crack on with it?

My little boy (3) has McDonald's at his dad's house, it wouldn't happen here but I understand that there's not much I can do about it - just have to let it go, it's a different 'parenting style'. I only comment if there's something I think is dangerous, or excessive.

It's definitely hard if you can't trust him though and he's lying about things. Try and enjoy the time you get to yourself when he's got them, as long as they come back safe (and preferably tired after having lots of fun with daddy) that's all that matters.

And yes they can't communicate via words, but kids tend to me able to let it known when they are not happy, I'm sure he'll soon realise if he's not dressed them warm enough and they get grouchy etc that they need another layer / a snack / whatever else it is that's making them act out and cry

How’s things @cocomel ? It does get slightly easier as they are older, mostly because they can say when they’re hungry or wet or whatever. My XH is crap at proper food - the kids only ever get McD’s for tea when they’re with him but I tell myself they eat well the rest of the week so just let it go. Oh and last week I tried to be helpful by saying we will be on holiday not far from his family and would he like to pick them up so they can see everyone? Instead of thanks he got snarky about where I’d suggested we meet (exactly half way) so that’s the last time I’ll be bothering with that…it is taking me a while to stop helping/facilitating but I’ll get there and I suggest you do too (so long as the twins are safe of course).

Hi there
Thanks for checking in @Tatiepot and I'm sorry that your kind gesture was responded to in such an unhelpful way... and I am accepting of yours and @Ilikepinacoladass points about their food and I'll be stepping back from organising it with immediate effect.

This weekend he took them for an overnight stay with him. I packed their bag (lots of stuff as you can imagine!!) but have told him to keep the clothes, pjs and sleeping bags that I'd packed so I don't get a bag of dirty washing in return when he brings them home! It'll also mean less packing next time they stay over for me. So I feel this was a bit of step forward and I was encouraged by the points on this thread.

I miss them terribly when they aren't with me but once I know they have arrived safely (after the 1.5 hour journey) I can relax a little and have kept myself busy this weekend which I know is for the best.

I will forever struggle with trusting what he tells me because he lies so frequently and with such ease but as the twins get older, it'll be harder for him to lie about things regarding them as I expect they'll have little filter!!

Well done @cocomel small steps is def the way to go…and although you’ll always miss them it does get easier, I never thought I would but I now look forward to “my time” even though I feel guilty for doing even that…but it does mean I get some sleep so I’ve got a lot more energy for them when they get back!