HELP! H has said I can't take the kids on holiday - is he right?

[lunavix]

I asked him two weeks ago if it was okay for me to take our two children to fueretventura for a week.He ummed and ahhed (it's a messy break up and we're still living together - it's been five months and not pleasant) and said it's not suitable there, so I said it was a family resort, and then he ummmed and ahhed cos a friend is coming with us with her kids who he dislikes, and then he said okay,

although apparently I have to have a written letter of consent to take the kids out of the country from him a month in advance??????

So I went ahead and booked the holiday, and this morning realised we'd be away for fathers day. Knowing he'd want to spend it with the kids (and he'd refuse to let me take them anyway) I phoned to try and change it, there was one suite left on two different dates, so I phoned him (he's out) to ask which was better. He went nuts at me down the phone saying that I'd promised to show him dates etc before I booked, which I hadn't. And he shouted 'well pick one' and hung up. So I booked one that went over a weekend I was sure he'd be away.

Now he phoned back saying I show him no respect, I'm in breach of mediation (we had a mediation appointment and agreed to run purchases over £500 past each other. this was 550 so he says I'm in breach of it, even though I asked him about the holiday) he says I showed him no respect by not showing him a list of dates and picking one suitable for him when he had his diary in front of him, and I talk to him disrespectfully. He says I only changed it now because I was stuck in a jam!!! Uh no, I only changed it to suit him.

So he says because I didn't show him a list of prices, he's refusing on breach of mediation (not sure if that's entirely valid) he's refusing as I didn't show him a list of dates, and he's refusing because I'm disrespectful. So he's not writing that letter so I can take them out the country.

Do I need this letter???? Noone else has heard of it.

Your children have passports, right? Or identity cards?
When you applied for passports/identity cards for them, did you have to sign papers that you were the parents?

If so, when you have proof you are the mum. Why would authorities know you are in the process of splitting up with their dad? Why would they query your right to take your children abraod?

I am married, but I travel with my kids, without my husband several times a year, and I have never experienced that anybody question my right to do this. Nobody has ever asked if I am their mum, where dad is, does he agree to me going abroad with them.

My sister is divorced, same with her, she has never had issues, and her exhusband is the biggest control freak I have come across..

Does he talk to you respectfully?

Is your sister in Norway QS?

The ex may have had to been told they were planning a holiday for contact reasons - I had to tell my ex in court that I was going away one October - he got all arsey and demanded I not be allowed. Fortunately, the judge knew he was just being arsey but if he hadn't - ex could have stopped me going away.

Rules here state that the absent parent, so long as they have Parental Responsibility (a label that means NOTHING other than pain for the mum - usually!) can stop you taking the kids away/moving/sending them to a particular school/having medical treatment etc etc....

It is complete shit and means nothing - my ex, absent for 4 years COULD, legally have a say in what school I send DS to - even though he doesn't even KNOW the actual schools - he could have such a "right".

Sorry if you knew all that - but I thought I'd answer your questions, even if they were rhetorical!

Thanks everyone.

Yes the controlling thing has been a big issue in our breakup - I'm trying desperately to get him to write this letter now (he's agreed again for the time being!) so he can't change his mind later on.

I'm very tired with the realisation that him having PR means nothing of importance and everything of a total pain in my ass.

he doesn't really have a leg to stand on according to everything I've read. As long as the holiday is less than a month, even if you are divorced he can't actually stop you going.

Look at this site64.233.169.104/search?q=cache:lbeVHVK-EMYJ:www.divorce-online.co.uk/community/topic.asp%3FID%3D1+div orce+right+to+take+children+on+holiday&hl=en&ct=clnk&cd=13&gl=uk
where I found this answer
Date: 21 Dec 2001
Answered by: Mark Keenan, Editor, Divorce-Online

Q. My ex wife wishes to take my 5 year old girl to Canada for a holiday, which i was fine about before the attacks of September the 11th, since then i have said at the present time i do not give my consent for her to be out of the country. What i wish to know is what is my legal standing, can i place a court order to stop this happening? She is threatening to take this to court and to get an order made up so that she does not have to have my explicit permissoin and get me to pay the costs. But i think i have a valid reason, my childs well being, would the courts make me pay if i have valid reason.

A. If you do not agree then she has to get a specific issue order to proceed. however if she just goes ahead there is very little you can do unless you get an order yourself which is called a Prohibited Steps order to prevent her travelling. This is probably the only way to make sure she does not go.

lunavix I think you need it get it recognised who is exactly the parent with care as at the moment it seems like he is and is deciding what you can and cant do with your children, I would get proper legal advice as Im not convinced you need a letter off him to allow you to take your own kids on holiday, you also need to have a proper break from him either him leaving the house or you, the CAB will give you advice on housing and benefits, you still seem under his thumb unfortunately