Contact schedule AIBU

[Blendiful]

So exH works a job where the shifts and days on/off change every single week. For years now we have had an arrangement where the kids go on the days he’s off. It’s always been a nightmare but more so recently.

The kids have no idea where they are at, and sometimes it can be last minute he lets us know shifts so they don’t know until maybe the day before they are going. I put a stop to that saying it was a week in advance or not happening.

However the kids have to cart stuff back and forwards (school stuff, stuff for clubs, to go to mates houses etc) because there’s no set days and this they hate, they also often forget things so we are having to run between houses to drop/collect stuff.

We have also had issues with both kids behaviour recently, they have totally different rules at each house I.e. none at his! Or very very little, they have very little respect for him and he rarely inputs any boundaries. For example one DC has a medical issue where he isn’t supposed to have certain food/drinks, he gives it anyway, it’s not life threatening or anything or something that’ll make him I’ll long term but it is socially annoying (trying not to be too outing) and restricts what he can/can’t do, took me ages to get ex to stop giving him the stuff he shouldn’t be as ‘he likes it’!

Anyway I am now proposing that the kids have a set schedule, Fri,sat sun each week and tea in the week if he’s off and it falls on a day they don’t have plans.

Ex doesn’t do 50% of the parenting, I do all clubs, appts, parents evenings, school etc.

The kids would prefer a set schedule. He wants to be able to message on a whim for them to go whenever he’s off and doesn’t take into account they have a life.

AIBU? Ex says I am

@SusieSusieSoo

I have a job with a set working pattern so that I can parent my child. Surely the onus is on him to find a way of having a set working pattern so that he can parent his children?

He can make a flexible working request to have fixed shifts or look for another job that works for the dcs.

Also one of my points. As do I. I work FT but there are other roles in my profession I could do that are shifts or more onerous hours. I could earn a good whack more money doing these.

If I decide that’s what I want to do, does he then have to accommodate my hours/job?

I wouldn’t because I wouldn’t want to see my kids having any more upheaval.

He hasn’t always worked shift patterns. And he could approach work for a more set pattern, there are options, he also could change jobs to another firm with more set hours. He doesn’t want to do this either.

He’s basically taken on outgoings beyond what he can really afford for the rest of the world to see ‘how well he’s doing’ and not considered the kids at all. These are choices he’s made whilst knowing the kids don’t want this arrangement. He’s only ever put himself first.

@Blendiful
When did he first ever start shift work?

Don't forget that you benefit from this higher income with maintenance also.

And you are free to choose what role you like, however, as primary caregiver, you would need to ensure that appropriate wraparound care was available.

You have no idea whether he has or hasn't approached his work re changes. Nor if he's gone for alternative roles. That's your assumption.

You sound incredibly bitter and like this is eating you up. Whereas, you should perhaps have been getting your children to acknowledge that it's not ideal, but this is the way it is and it's about making the best of the situation rather than this constant half glass empty approach that you appear to be taking.

I don’t benefit from the higher income at all. So that is a wrong assumption. The kids don’t either. He rarely spends anything on them either.

I also know he hasn’t approached work because I’ve asked the question and he’s answered with no that he hasn’t. So no assumption there either, I have been asking him to for years. This isn’t new.
Same for alternative roles, he’s outright told me he hasn’t looked elsewhere. So again no assumption.

He started shift work years ago, but at that point we were together and I had a totally different career that solely worked around the kids when they were little. However still was the same (pro-rata) as him.

My job has moved on and is different now (also happened when we were together) and we had wrap around care. The kids are too old for wrap around care now. They don’t need it. Which you’d know if you’d read any of the other comments since the beginning.

@Blendiful

I don’t benefit from the higher income at all. So that is a wrong assumption. The kids don’t either. He rarely spends anything on them either.

I also know he hasn’t approached work because I’ve asked the question and he’s answered with no that he hasn’t. So no assumption there either, I have been asking him to for years. This isn’t new.
Same for alternative roles, he’s outright told me he hasn’t looked elsewhere. So again no assumption.

He started shift work years ago, but at that point we were together and I had a totally different career that solely worked around the kids when they were little. However still was the same (pro-rata) as him.

My job has moved on and is different now (also happened when we were together) and we had wrap around care. The kids are too old for wrap around care now. They don’t need it. Which you’d know if you’d read any of the other comments since the beginning.

So he pays no maintenance then if you don't benefit from his higher income?

You pushing with your ideas of what he should be doing is bound to be met with a no. Who in brier right mind when you have decided that it's your way or the highway is going to say yes I have and they said no or I didn't get shortlisted?

Your overall tone suggests how hard work he may well find you.

I also note that you totally fail to acknowledge or respond to the fact that it sounds as though you've effectively egged the children on to be as unreasonable as yourself! You're not doing the children any favours by feeding their half glass empty approach and that you're almost dancing celebrating that their relationship with their father is now being impacted.

The issue with this is that the tables could so easily turn on you as well in the future, and you'd hope that their father would want for them to keep a positive relationship with you....

No maintanence. So no I don’t benefit. And neither do the kids. He doesn’t earn that much anyway so it’s not a high paid job where it makes much difference. It’s probably around the average wage for most people.

It’s not my ideas of what I want to be doing either. It’s the kids who want a set routine. They are older now so other than being annoying that things can be changed last minute I can do what I need to do. It’s more just added stress of sorting things making sure they have everything, messing around appts, clubs etc. which is added stress I don’t really need. But it doesn’t stop me doing what I need to do.

I think having a set schedule so everyone knows where they are is reasonable. Especially if you can accommodate that but are choosing not to. If you have no choice thats different. But I still don’t think you can expect people (especially teenagers) to sit around waiting until you are free and then say how high? When you say jump?

I have done nothing but encourage the kids to go, I have said previously I have physically peeled my youngest from the bed and into the car kicking and screaming in the past years to go to his dads. I have facilitated phone calls when they were younger to encourage them to go. I have offered him 50/50 so more time. So I haven’t encouraged anything with them at all.

They are both older teenagers, and they are of an age where I know I could maintain my relationship with them directly. I would also never change to a job that messed them around like that, I have changed jobs in the past and it’s always been with the kids best interests at the centre before I did.

The problem here is that their dad has been used to everyone working around him, he’s never had to take any responsibility for the kids even back when we were together and he’s always always excused it by ‘I work shifts so I can only do so much’ which is a pretty poor excuse and now the cracks are showing as the kids are fed up of it.

My DP manages 50/50 contact with his own DC but also steps in with mine when their dad isn’t available, looking after them but also doing quite a lot with them. Activities and fun things that they want to do, especially the youngest. If these tables were turned as my kids biological parent I wouldn’t want my exH’s partner doing things with them that I felt I should be doing and that would make me want to change things. He often moans about DP but on the flip side is happy to suggest DP do things he doesn’t want or can’t be bothered to do.

I don’t think what I have said is unrealistic or pushing ideas. I think a consistent schedule so kids know where they are at, can plan their lives, do the fun things they want to do, and have a relationship with both their parents is not unrealistic in the slightest.

If he wants to continue to work shifts that’s fine but he’s really going to have to face facts that the kids aren’t always going to want to go and stop making them feel bad for that. A child with ADHD needs routine and to manage expectations and can’t do this in this kind of set-up. I have decided to just let the kids manage it with their dad themselves and only step in if really needed to.

If the children are teens I'd let them sort it out with their Dad.