Maintenance - AIBU

[sampamsnan]

My dd is 15 and up until she was 13 spent 50/50 of her time at her dad's. As she got to be a teenager she decided she didn't want to stay there as much and her time with him has dwindled to one day a week.

I've encouraged her to go there but she's adamant she wants to be with me, near her friends, school etc.

I've never claimed maintenance (never needed to when she was 50/50) but I'm I'm really struggling financially with supporting her all by myself so this week I've asked him to start paying me as per the CSA's calculator.

He's absolutely outraged. He says I don't need that much money and he'll have to sell his house if I force him to pay. He's saying I'm extorting money from him. He's gone in really hard. Says his wife is devastated and they won't be able to support their dd they have together.

I'm now having a wobble. I need the money, and I feel like my dd deserves it. But I hate all the animosity.

I suppose I'm just looking for some encouragement to keep going with it. And hoping others don't think I'm being unreasonable. Am I? I just feel like a massive bitch right now.

It's been a year now that she's only been going once a week

The money from her dad is for the upkeep of your child ,why would you not claim maintenance . It doesn't matter if he gives you the sob story about his 2nd family ,your daughter was first and deserves the money to make your life easier.

Go to CS, if he is refusing to pay.

Claim it through CMS, your DD needs to be financially supported. He has to financially support all his DC.

Meh, he needs to pay CMS. Put a claim in, ignore his sob story bollocks.

Thanks, he's just worn me down so much I'm starting to doubt myself

Claim it. You’re entitled to it. He has to cut his cloth accordingly. He doesn’t just get to support one of his two children.

Go via the CMS if he’s kicking off. How much is it that thinks he’ll have to sell his house?

It's £300 which is the usual percentage of income, minus the day she's there, minus a small amount to take in to account that he has another child

As I pointed out to him, it's a percentage of his salary, if he earned half what is does it would be half as much, if he earned double it would be double. It means he takes home about £2600 a month so I didn't think £300 was too much to ask for for his child. Thing is when we were 50/50 I paid for everything like uniform, trips, pocket money etc. So he's never been used to paying that kind of money for her. I guess it's a shock to learn what parents aky for their kids

And his wife earns a decent salary too so although I don't expect her to contribute towards our daughter, it's not like he has to fund his other family by himself

YANBU, but as you said I imagine it's the shock of it not being a planned or expected expense. From his perspective, he is probably really disappointed his DD no longer comes more, so this is a double whammy. Ultimately though he is being unreasonable, don't let him wear you down whilst he is using language like you're "extorting" money from him. If he had a more reasonable attitude and understood this was not extortion, you could consider making a private arrangement, but he's leaving you little choice but to go through CMS and go for that figure as it is.

Kind of on the fence because she should be going to her dads 50/50 really, that was your agreement. It's not his fault she's not going and his financial decisions have been made based on 50/50

@aSofaNearYou that's why I feel like a massive bitch. It wasn't his choice to have dd stay there less so it feels like a kick in the teeth to have to pay for the privilege. Unfortunately though, she does need to be provided for.

Yes if he'd been more helpful, paid her pocket money or bought clothes etc. I might have not had to claim maintenance, or come up with a private arrangement but he's given me nothing and made it all so awkward that Ive had to

@minniemomo you are right, it's not his fault. I have tried to encourage dd to stick to the agreement but it seems this happens with a lot of teenagers when friends etc. Become more important than home life

He's paid nothing for years even though there were extra expenses you paid. I wouldn't be particularly sympathetic.

@minniemomo

Kind of on the fence because she should be going to her dads 50/50 really, that was your agreement. It's not his fault she's not going and his financial decisions have been made based on 50/50

There is no “should”. Contact is for the child and is what is best for the child and at 15 the child is considered old enough to decide how often they go to contact.

I guess I just feel like if he'd always paid a reasonable amount towards her this wouldnt have come as a huge shock

The thing is, if he was a decent person, he would have offered to pay you some money towards her when she reduced her contact time (and paid half of all other expenses when she did see him 50/50). Don't feel guilty for claiming it.

He should be happy to provided for both his children. Why does one take priority over the other. Child support is a drop in the ocean to the cost of children's needs. And this is a percentage of his salary. Not a number plucked out of the air.

Give him one more opportunity to pay an agreed amount. If you are feeling generous you could agree a lower amount. Then go through CMS. There are many stories of nrp not paying so at least you have some chance of seeing the funds. And it is not as if she is little. He has less than 3 years to provide for her legally. Morally is a different story.

I'm 50 50 with my exh and he still pays not much less than that amount in maintenance due to earning more than me. Your ex should be glad you're not backdating it!

Oh, and we pay all expenses like shoes, big expenses, together in the same split as the assets were when we divorced (not 50 50)

Thanks I'm feeling a bit less like the big bad wolf!

It’s up to your daughter really now what she does is terms of residence - well here in this case anyway. At that age friends, lie ins, doing what they want comes first so he ought to have seen this coming

It’s not up to your ex to decide what can’t afford to pay for her.

He should WANT to contribute to her upkeep

Basically it’s tough

Just go to the cms..

You are wasting your time discussing it. He doesn't want to pay..The cms takes out the conversation.

CMS is the legal minimum.. My DS is 14 in adult shoes, clothes it gets more expensive,, He has no idea how much it costs becuase he has just fed her for years.

Just go to CMS

t's a shame that she's not so close with her Dad recently but she's old enough to decide when she sees both parents. You shouldn't feel like a bitch for your DD's decision when it's not a decision that you manipulated or made. As you say she needs stuff and her dad should contribute. It will be a massive shock to him after all this time but he shouldn't give you a hard time about it.