Formal contact agreement - would it be worth it?

[ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood]

I don't know the first thing about what would be involved with getting a formal contact agreement so don't know if it would be worth it in this situation and would appreciate any advice.

I split with my ex nearly 8 months ago now and we have a 4 year old dd. We weren't married if that's relevant.

At his suggestion the current contact arrangement is she stays at his overnight Monday, Thursday and Friday and then every other Sunday so I have her overnight Tuesday, Wednesday and Saturday and then every other Sunday. I agreed to this originally as at the time I just couldn't cope with the arguing anymore.

However I've realised that whilst on paper this arrangement is 50/50 it's not actually a fair division. In practice, I pick her up from school Tuesday, drop her off and pick her up both Wednesday and Thursday before dropping her off to him about half 5 on Thursday. I then have her back about the same time on Saturday and if it is his Sunday to have her I will drop her off to him about the same time again. Which means that every other week he has a Sunday where he is neither in work or looking after dd whereas I am either in work or looking after dd every single day. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to have dd for less time, I would just like the division to be fair and actually be able to do something on a weekend once in a while.

I therefore broached the subject of trying out alternating weekends for a bit instead and he said he can't do alternating weekends whilst COVID is about. When I asked why I was told 'I need help sorting her out from family and my mother is not available while there's no vaccine'.

Sorry it was so long. Basically I don't know if there is any point trying to make anything formal as technically it is currently 50/50. The fact he doesn't seem to think he can look after his own daughter on a weekend without another member of his family present is a different issue for another day I suppose.

whats thedifferent to a weekend or weekday during covid? baffling

i would suggest tea in the week for her at his (or overnight and he takes her school), and every other weekend

He's just refused saying he can't do alternating weekends and that was his only explanation, he's stopped replying to me now.

Would that be the type of thing that could try to be agreed with a formal arrangement or would they say there was nothing they could do as it is technically already 50/50?

It might be worth trying mediation.
Also why are you not picking up from school on Thursday when it's his night he needs to sort pick up from
School.

I was trying to be helpful at the time but see now that was a bad idea as I don't get the same consideration from him

He's now refusing to even discuss it any more because I won't talk to him on the phone as I want a written record of everything and it makes me too anxious as he tends to shout and swear at me when I don't do as he wants.

I will look into mediation, thank you

I'm a big advocate for seperated fathers having lots of contact time with their kids, but that schedule is crazy! It's not fair that your DD never gets to spend more than two nights at a time in the same bed, and it will only get harder for her as she gets older.

I know, I even suggested Sun, Mon and Tues nights at his and Weds, Thurs and Fri nights at mine then alternating Saturday nights instead of alternating whole weekends and he still wouldn't even try as he doesn't want me 'to get my way'

You're not unreasonable to insist that he does school pickup on his days. If he can't make it on time he needs to organize childcare until the time he can pick up. I hope you're not having her in the day on his days during school holidays? He needs to take those days off or organize holiday club and pick her up from there.

I would take it to mediation tbh. It's a lot of changes for a little girl and he can't just unilaterally decide which days he'll do. He must be able to care for her if he has her 50% of the time?

Stupidly yes I will be having her on some of his nights over the Christmas period as he hasn't bothered to think about it and now can't take the time off work and the private nursery we usually use is full.

I'm not entirely sure how much he is actually personally looking after her to be honest. He works mon - fri and leaves the house before 8 so has his father getting her ready for school (ex even went as far as blaming his father when I questioned why dd was sent to school with no knickers on one day!) in the mornings and dropping her off on his days. His father also picks her up and watches her until he gets home at about 5/5.30. So that is only about an hour/hour and a half that he actually has to care for her when she's not sleeping on a weekday.

Also his cousin was at the house when I dropped dd off one day last week which I didn't think much of at the time, but when she was dropped off to me on Saturday she told me that this cousin was the one to give her a bath that day and that she has been there quite a lot.

I don't know whether to try bringing it up at mediation that he may possibly need me to have her for more time than he does as he will just immediately see this as me trying to show him up and point score.

I am just so tired of this all to be honest. I just wish he would act like an adult and put her first.

Also he would expect me to pay for any paid childcare as he demanded half the child benefit payment off me not long ago (there is another thread about that) so expects CB to pay for things like that

How much childcare does he think £21.05pw buys? On his days, it's his responsibility to pay

You definitely need mediation.
On his days he o

Posted too soon
On his days he is responsible for childcare, family members are acceptable, but any costs on his days are his responsibilities.
Be child centric it is not about your way or his way it is about what is best for your daughter. You want her to have equal quality time with each parent so that she can have stable and loving relationships.

Stand up for your self a little more here, definitely put your foot down and tell him what days he can have her, don’t let him bully you- for example you have her mon-fri or whatever days are best for you and he can have the weekends (he should be able to care for his daughter without his mum!)

He's now refused mediation as he's not willing to take the time off work. I don't understand how he can't see that he's just spiting DD not me, it upsets me so much that he'd rather try and get back at me than do what's best for her. She's getting more and more tearful and clingy every week and doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

Can anyone let me know their experiences of going to court over contact arrangements please?

I have a phone call with my solicitor on Tuesday but have no idea what to expect in reality. I can't believe it's come to this over just wanting to change a few days around so she has more stability.

Can anyone also offer any advice about possibly going for more custody than him? What sort of things does the court need to hear to consider it?

Have you got in writing that he refused mediation?
Stop talking start writing!

Don't be scared of this. Do not discuss it with him except in emails. Then be tactful about why you think it best for your DD.

I think you are trying to do this anyway. Now you need to stamp your foot and mean it!

And you do realise the only reason you have 50 50 is because this useless waste of space doesn't want to pay maintenance.
It's not really 50 50 though is it?

The court will consider what is best for your child. So try to frame things from the POV of it not being fair for your dd to be constantly moving backwards and forwards, the impact that is having on her etc, rather than what is inconvenient for you as a parent.

It sounds like your doing all the work here

Yes the mediation people have sent me the form saying that he's refused.

To be honest it's not even about whether the 50/50 split is fair or not anymore since it's becoming clear that it's clearly not working for her.

The reasons I'd want to try to get more custody than him are:

1. He leaves around 7.30 am for work and gets back about 5.30 pm so he isn't even the one caring for her during this time, his dad is.

1. I have some concerns about her care whilst with him/his dad. On one of the days I picked her up from school after she had been dropped off by his dad that morning I found she hadn't had any underwear put on her. Other instances are what she has told me (I know you can't necessarily trust the words of a 4 year old) but she has said she's been taken to school without being in her car seat, she has been taken to school when it was closed so he's basically forgotten about half term, she has said multiple times he hasn't brushed her hair, washed her face or brushed her teeth.

1. He has admitted by text that he feels he needs help from relatives to take care of her.

1. Things to do with school are often forgotten on his days e.g. Christmas jumper day so DD then misses out. He currently has her Fridays and every other Monday which are the days these things usually tend to fall on.

I know I'm the one that decided to leave so the fact that I'm no longer in control of these things is my own fault but I'm just finding it all so difficult.

I have finally managed to admit to myself this week that I am afraid of him which stems from an incident that occurred before I left. The anxiety and stress from all of this is making me feel so ill all the time.

@pipsqueakbollock

And you do realise the only reason you have 50 50 is because this useless waste of space doesn't want to pay maintenance. It's not really 50 50 though is it?

Oh yes I'm completely aware that he doesn't want to pay maintenance - I even have another thread about him trying to get half the child benefit off me every month!

It will also be a pride thing in that he doesn't want to be seen as not capable etc. He is always trying to make it out that I'm a bad mother and has even told me I am.

@pipsqueakbollock

Have you got in writing that he refused mediation? Stop talking start writing!

Don't be scared of this. Do not discuss it with him except in emails. Then be tactful about why you think it best for your DD.

I think you are trying to do this anyway. Now you need to stamp your foot and mean it!

Because I told him I can't talk to him about it face to face due to the anxiety he now refuses to discuss it at all which is why I thought mediation would be a good compromise but he's just got to be difficult about everything.

Even though he will tell anyone who will listen that I'm the difficult one and always try to get my own way.

He does that because he is a selfish and childish individual but you know that. He has to save face somehow.

Ignore him and set your boundaries. It's one thing to think you won't let him get to you and another to achieve it. But you do need to find out how to achieve it and you need a game face for him - never let him see he has got to you.

I think mediation is called for. You need a break sometimes and that is a lot of jumping about for DD.

No, if you ended up needing a formal agreement they wouldn’t say well it’s 50/50 so lump it - the goal would be to try and make it work for everyone. However, hopefully you can sort it between you through mediation - but you will need to stop playing the peacemaker role - your role is not to agree to something you don’t want to stop arguments, it’s to advocate for yourself and DD.

Find a mediation service, but also have a short chat with a solicitor so you are prepared. You don’t need to mention this.

Pipsqueakbollock I managed to not let him get to me at the beginning but it's all starting to take its toll now. I need to try and find a way to re-harden myself to it again somehow.*

Partyatthepalace* I tried going the mediation route but he has refused to take part and they have sent me the form that says this that I need in order to take this to court. I have an appointment to speak to my solicitor again on Tuesday but I am just so out of my depth and have no idea how any of this process works.