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Original poster

Splitting child benefit

50 replies

ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 20:46

Am fully prepared to be told I am being unreasonable but ex has ground me down so much I just feel like this is the last straw and I just want to cry because I can't see any end in sight to it.

He has messaged me today demanding that I pay him half of the child benefit I receive for our 4 yo dd. If he had just tried to be civil/nice with how he asked I probably wouldn't have thought twice and agreed. I suggested he would then need to reimburse me half for the clothes I bought for her for school etc if that was the case as he hasn't contributed towards any of it and that is what it gets spent on, to which I then get called a d**k so I've just stopped replying now. Although I suppose that is at least mild to what he usually calls me.

Should I just give in for the sake of £40 a month?

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/10/2020 22:32

Definitely keep notes of everything you buy DD such as all school uniform and he bought none etc.

If he wants 50:50 he has to pay 50:50 of all costs.

RandomMess · 27/10/2020 22:33

Its worth speaking to CMS and asking whether although it's 50:50 nights with such and income discrepancy is he liable to pay any maintenance...

Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 22:33

@RandomMess

Is it possible to give CB the heads up that he is demanding half from you and your are reliant on the full amount financially and you are worried he will counter claim?

Have you historically been her primary carer? Can you evidence it? What about now what is the contact pattern?

He was unemployed for years before and during my pregnancy then up until she was about a year old so he stayed home with her while I worked full time to support us. I then went part time when he started at his job to absorb some of the childcare but my pay basically just paid for her to be in childcare the days that I worked.
OP posts:
Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 22:35

I will look into speaking to both CB and CMS tomorrow and see what they say, thank you

OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/10/2020 22:35

So the last 3 years you have been primary carer, working reduced hours to enable ex to work.

I assume you weren't married?

Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 22:36

@RandomMess

So the last 3 years you have been primary carer, working reduced hours to enable ex to work.

I assume you weren't married?

No, we weren't married
OP posts:
Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 22:44

@SoloMummy

A counterclaim would also mean you lose your UC child element and any associated housing benefits allowances etc beyond that of a single person.

Is there anything in black and white re the split.

Is it a 4 3 split?

I'm really worried about this now. If it affected my UC I wouldn't be able to pay my rent so thinking I should just give in and transfer half of it to him every month.
OP posts:
RandomMess · 27/10/2020 22:52

This is why you should speak to CB etc ask them about the process as he is threatening you but isn't paying half the costs despite sharing over nights.

slipperywhensparticus · 27/10/2020 22:58

Speak to child maintenance options see if your eligible for something due to the large discrepancy in wages if you are then te him you won't claim it if he leaves it alone

Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 22:59

I'll try to get through to them first thing

OP posts:
KarmaNoMore · 27/10/2020 23:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Smellbellina · 27/10/2020 23:06

We each have her 3 nights a week and then alternate the 4th night every other week if that makes sense.

How did you come to that agreement?

Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 23:11

@KarmaNoMore I will look into speaking to a benefits advocate thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 23:17

@Smellbellina he suggested it and as usual if I disagreed it turned into an argument with me being made to feel wrong.

I'm not sure how well it's working at the moment to be honest. It's only really been 3 months of it as I was furloughed and didn't go back to work until the beginning of August so I had her all week and he had her on the weekends. But he wanted to change that as was apparently having to take time off work in the week in order to have time to himself. DD keeps asking for him but it's usually in a fit of tantrum when I've told her no to something etc. I suspect I'm the only one showing her any sort of discipline at the moment but it doesn't half make me feel crap every time.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 27/10/2020 23:34

I've just been on the CMA calculator and even choosing the option saying that he has her more than three nights a week, which is only every other week, it suggests he should be paying me £119.69 a month.

I will probably try leading with that with him tomorrow saying if he leaves the CB I won't pursue CMA.

OP posts:
TheHoneyBadger · 27/10/2020 23:47

He's a higher rate earner and wouldn't be entitled to it even if he was a lone parent. Ignore

nicerbeing · 27/10/2020 23:55

@TheHoneyBadger

He's a higher rate earner and wouldn't be entitled to it even if he was a lone parent. Ignore
He really would...
TheFormerPorpentinaScamander · 27/10/2020 23:59

@TheHoneyBadger

He's a higher rate earner and wouldn't be entitled to it even if he was a lone parent. Ignore
How on earth did you work that out? £1900 per month is no where near the cut off for CB Confused
Smellbellina · 28/10/2020 00:04

Have you been the primary carer for the years before the break up or did you share it equally then?
Sorry for the random questions, going through this myself at the moment and it’s so hard! I just think you sound like you might need to start saying no to him?

Love51 · 28/10/2020 00:10

If you had her all week in the holidays, that isn't 50/50.
I'd pursue maintenance as it cements the claim that she lives with you. I wouldn't want her living with an abuser. But seek advice.

Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 28/10/2020 00:22

@Smellbellina he did bugger all really to be honest. If I wanted to go clothes shopping on the weekend or anything I would end up taking her with me. The one time I went away on a hen weekend dd ended up staying with my sister one night and his mother another night so he was only really responsible for her for one day!

But during a normal working week he worked mon - fri and I worked weds - fri with her being in a paid nursery that wrapped around her being at the school nursery during the morning and I used to drop her off and pick her up on my way to and from work.

OP posts:
Original poster
ISolemnlySwearIAmUpToNoGood · 28/10/2020 00:25

@Love51 I'm actually going to look into talking to a solicitor tomorrow as well to see if there's anything I can do about the messages he sends me. His own mother agrees they are vile and he still doesn't listen.

OP posts:
Smellbellina · 28/10/2020 00:48

I don’t think you should be doing 50/50 care OP, I think you should decrease it now before it becomes the norm. I don’t know how old your DD is but mine have been much more settled and no more ‘when are we going’ since it has been set to a limited amount on certain days a week, they are much less anxious.
His wants don’t trump yours and they certainly don’t trump your DD’s needs.

unicornsarereal72 · 28/10/2020 08:11

Stay firm on this. He is bullying you because that has worked in the past. Only one parent can claim benefits for the child. You work part time to facilitate childcare. He is able to work full time because of that.

If his income is much higher than yours you can look at child support even though you have 50/50 care.

If you give in to this demand he will keep making these demands of you.
You need to stop this now.

I know it is hard. I have a similar situation. And name calling is because you have shown them they are unreasonable. And he can't possibly say. Yes you are right. Your way is fair.

To compromise I would suggest child benefit can go into an account which is solely for your child's needs. Clothes. Shoes etc. If you are able to do this?

Do seek legal advice if you feel you need some reassurance. But don't let him keep bullying you. Just ignore or hang up. You don't have to tolerate this.

TheHoneyBadger · 28/10/2020 15:27

Apologies I misread his income as weekly

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