12yo DS refusing to see his Dad, can anyone guide me through this please

[Chaotic45]

I split from DS' dad when he was 5, he is now 12. My ex was a pretty awful partner and hasn't been a great dad either but I totally accept DS needs his Dad and I've done whatever I can to facilitate that, I've always been pleasant and nice about him to DS smoothed over his let downs and inadequacies, kept the fact that he provides zero financial help a separate issue, and included him in everything that I can (parents eves, key decisions etc) is that he feels included.

He did live close by and at times has barely seen his son for weeks on end. He moved away 4 months ago for work.

DS has always idolised his dad, and that's fine by me- I feel it's important.... Recently they have fallen out. I don't want to be too outing but ex said some stuff that understandably upset DS. DS really took it all to heart and didn't want to see his dad. Ex has apologised, but not in a meaningful way IMO because he has refused to acknowledge that he genuinely upset DS.

Anyway, DS is now saying he doesn't want to see his dad. I just don't know how to handle this. His dad will hit the roof, he will likely come round and insist we let him in so he can talk to DS. On one hand I accept that more talking is needed to sort this out.

On the other hand I don't want to force DS to see his dad and I want him to feel I've got his back. His dad isn't great at listening and tends to shout and although he wouldn't hit anyone he can be loud and intimidating.

My husband is worried that he will be incredibly angry.

I just don't know how to handle this.

Can anyone offer any advice please?

Text sent.

The reply was unexpected but basically he just said ok and that maybe DS needs a bit of time.

I was fully expecting an angry reaction but I was mistaken.

I'm really surprised and maybe a bit concerned. I'm probably reading too much into it but it feels a big like he's not very bothered. Maybe he just can't win!

I had this with my ds. He managed 6 months of eow. And told me he didn't want to go anymore. We managed a few more months of just days visits. But he then completely refused to go anymore.

His dad is an angry aggressive bully and thought shouting and threatening would make he go. Ds didn't see his dad for over a year. His dad learnt the hard way. They now nearly 2 years on will meet up. But ds has no time for his dad he goes out of obligation.

It was hard in the beginning. I got accused of influencing him etc. But at the time he was 12 and had every right to make his own mind up.

It took me a long time to realise that ex angry response was about him not having control of the situation and his actions. But he couldn't be seen to take responsibility so I got it. It is just hot air and noise. I just kept calm and repeated that we have to listen to Ds and what he wants and work with him.

Stay strong and support your ds in his decision. I kept saying that my son was allowed to be angry at his dad. He had let him down. But we all make mistakes. And his dad does love him and would love to see him again when he was ready.

Well done for geting in touch with him today OP. You're doing the best you can with the best intentions, your ds is lucky to have you.

Well done, let ds know what you’ve done and make sure he knows that it’s up to him what happens next time.