Who gets son on Christmas???

[Jenz4567]

Hi. My Son is 10 months old and I’m unsure if I’m being unreasonable to expect to have him on Christmas days. His dad was a ONS. He sees him a few hours once a week. It feels wrong that my son won’t be in the family home on Christmas and I won’t get to see him. What’s people’s experience with this???

That’s okay. Thank you for responding. His dad had lied about his salary ect and he got a pay rise and didn’t up the payments ect. But he does contribute. X

I think the norm is to alternate. Ex and I never have, Ex was never that bothered in the early years ( was offered!) so by the time he asked DS didn't want to as he loved the christmases we had. Sometimes he'll have him a bit between Christmas and new year , but not often. I don't push it, DS is happy and TBH I've always felt that I do all the hard work throughout the year, I'm not going to push him to have the fun stuff! If he was really that bothered he would have put in the effort earlier...

Judging on the current arrangement you have, I dont expect his Dad to be asking to have him all of Christmas. He may want to come over and see him open presents at yours or he may want to have him for a few hours to open some presents with his family, either on the day itself or boxing day. In our situation, christmas day is shared between both houses but we also share care evenly too so it is a different situation to you. As your son gets older and he potentially starts spending more time with his dad then you may end up splitting the day or alternating but I'd be surprised if his dad asks to have him all of christmas day this year

When mine were kids I had them Christmas Eve and Christmas morning, I liked that as I did the stockings, excitement Christmas morning. Ex had them from lunch time Christmas day until sometime Boxing Day. He liked that as his family all met up at his mother's for Christmas lunch so he could take the kids to share that with his family. I put my feet up and relaxed after a hectic Christmas morning. Worked well for us.

As your baby is so little why not offer him a few hours in the afternoon?

My children go to their dads at 2 on Christmas Day. This is the third year we have been separated and he is currently rly in a shared house. So the children can't stay over night. Once he has his own place this will change.

I have tentatively said to the children it be nice to have Christmas at dads. But they like the current arrangement.

He does no parenting sees the children one day a fortnight. And hasn't paid child support for two years. So I'm a bit resentful that he gets the high light of the year (Christmas morning).

We do Christmas Eve and day with me. Then dc go to dads Boxing Day morning for 2 nights. He has a whole second Christmas Day with his other dc who also go on Boxing Day. Works for us. And selfishly, I love this agreement.

Tbh I think this is something which is changeable as DS grows up, and depending on the relationship he has with his dad.

At the moment he is a baby so spending little time with him so I would expect him to be with you for Christmas, but as he grows older he will develop his own relationship with his father and extended family on that side, and may be happy to go to his for some of Christmas etc.

As a ONS I wouldn’t necessarily expect a 50/50 arrangement but equally that may change as he grows up.

When me and eXH first split DS spent Christmas morning with one of us and then came back to the other in the evening. But in truth that only happened for two years because eXH moved in with his DP and they had a baby within five months of doing that so as they always went to her parents for Christmas DS seeing his dad would have meant his dad not being with the baby for Christmas, and DS didn’t want to go away with them, so he opted to spend Christmas with me, and has done for the past five years.

Last year he did pop over there briefly in the evening but that was it.

But he lives with me full-time as well...

no. id offer his dad to come to you on xmas day to see your child.

absolutely would not be handing him over.

From the sounds of it he'll be busy having fun.

Wait till he asks and do what's comfortable for you as his main care giver. I'd offer sometime on Boxing Day as that's a Saturday.

Where there's shared care I think sharing/alternating Christmas seems eminently reasonable. Both parents share in the work, worry and cost of raising a child and both share the joys and highlights of being parents.
Where one parent is raising a child on their own, with minimal input from the other, then I think to suggest that Christmas is shared equally is completely unfair. I realise it's said to be in the best interest of the child but frankly that's all lone parents ever do - put their child's interest first.
In this one thing I am selfish. I do all the work, exH has DD half holidays only with no interest in any real input in her upbringing so Christmas is with me.
He was agitating for Christmas last year (hasn't quite used the word "unfair" but it was implied ). I decided to book a fabulous holiday and DD promptly decided to come with me . This year there's no mention of him having Christmas.
What I'm trying to say I think is that lone parents are not endlessly selfless martyrs sacrificing every ounce of our own happiness and nor should we be.

We split the day, so I have them Christmas Eve until around 2pm on Christmas Day.

With your child being so young though and his dad having minimal involvement I’d just offer for him to come round after dinner for a couple of hours at most. It does seem unfair that you do all the work, but it’s expected that the celebration days are split equally.

I would never have my child elsewhere on Xmas, it would be my hill to die on (they could have the pretty much any other time but Xmas is a big holiday to me and I know its not that huge a deal to DH)

As a child of divorce I spent every single xmas with my mom (but could go see my dad any time I wanted) but I wouldnt have wanted to be dragged about, children need security and routine not to be passed around to suit adults wants

My unpopular opinion is unless the custody is 50-50 then the resident parent should have the child for Christmas. Possibly if the non resident parent pays their fair share of maintenance and is very actively involved and the resident parent doesn't mind alternating that can be discussed at the discretion of the main care giver. My eldest DD has a different father from my other children, and although he did have her on weekends, he has never paid a penny maintenance. I decided that because I do all the hard slog not just the fun weekends, I wasn't prepared to share Christmas morning. Thankfully, my ex didn't fight me on it when I pointed out he'd have to pay for stocking gifts and make a bigger effort gift wise, and he has always had her on Boxing day instead which he is happy with as he has a family party then.

If they don't equally share the daily grind and are just McDonald parents, then no, they shouldn't get an equal share or Christmas morning. Once the child is old enough they should be allowed to chose for themselves.

Like some others I invited my ex to come over early Christmas morning the first couple of years. He chose to come later on instead. If you give them a generous offer like that you'll find they probably won't be keen but then can't complain you are pushing them out.