Contact when ex chooses to live 200 miles away

[GeekyGirl42]

When our daughter was 7, we were all living in Bedfordshire, and had done for 5 years. It's in a rural area, terrible for software jobs (my profession) and caught in the middle of a transition from a 3-tier education system to the 2-tier (primary and secondary) that the rest of the country uses.

That year, her father left, moving to Manchester. Now she's 11, and up until now, contact arrangements have been working very smoothly, with him staying at his parents, who still live 5 minutes away, and running his contact from there every other weekend, working from home at their house on the Friday.

He seems recently to have become dissatisfied with this arrangement (has recently set up home with his girlfriend in Manchester). He wanted share of the house equity, so the family home is being sold, and I'm moving 40 minutes away from his parents house so our daughter can go to a stable secondary school (and there are several excellent options), and I'll have a ten minute commute so she gets more from me in the week. She's delighted with this plan.

He is now saying this is unreasonable, because it makes it harder to see his daughter. I understand that and have offered to collect her from him somewhere more convenient for his journey back to Manchester on the Sunday, but Friday arrangements are harder because he's not happy about waiting for me to finish work and drop her off, so he'll have to collect her.

His answer to this (and by the way, I think there is more to this than my move - I think he's fed up with coming down from Manchester) is to expect our 11 year old daughter to take a train from Cambridge to Manchester on her own, arriving in Manchester at 10pm on a Friday evening. I've put my foot down and said that is not happening, but I can work on a plan to get her prepared for that when she's older - at least 14.

He's now saying that this means he might not be able to carry on seeing her so regularly. Am I being unreasonable? I have suggested, so many times, that I look at moving to the Manchester area, but that I would only do that if he perhaps saw more of her and went to parents evenings. He said he didn't want that and his girlfriend wouldn't like it, so I'm not going to do that.

@GeekyGirl42 I feel for your DD.'i too have an XH who doesn't respond well to anything he hasn't suggested and DD is often asking me not to say anything to him when he's upset her etc as she knows he'll take it badly and get angry with her

I'm in my forties and I was stuck at Manchester Picadilly 3 weeks ago by myself at 5.30pm. It was cold, dark and extremely windy. All the trains were also delayed with some being cancelled and delayed so its a no from me!

I do think the GF has something to do with this. I've just ended a relationship because it was bad for my daughter, so I do understand. He uses GPs as a base, they often aren't there. In four years they have never asked me if they can help with DD. They are angry with me because I took their son to court to stop him from forcing the sale of the house before I was in a position to accommodate us. He has a substantial pension, which meant I got a small share of that and some of the house. Not what he was expecting, and they think I'm an awful person because of this

@IndieTara hugs!! It's so awful to see your DC worried about upsetting their other parent, just by respectfully (ish) expressing how they feel

For starters it’s no longer up to him where you live, he’s being utterly ridiculous not wanting you living in Manchester when that would mean maintaining a relationship with HIS CHILD would be easier. He’s also being ridiculous expecting an 11 year old to do that journey alone. He needs to step up but instead I think he’s stepping back.

I suspect it’s all bullshit, either he personally or the new girlfriend or both wants him to see LESS of his child, thats crap!

But as someone who bent over backwards to facilitate my ex’s contact with dd with hindsight I wish I hadn’t bothered, it would have been better for my dd if I’d let ex fade out of her life which is what I think would have happened if I’d not been as proactive and actually what I think my ex wanted but has never admitted even to himself. My dd was much younger at the point when looking back ex was withdrawing as a father, it’s more difficult when they’re older.

Focus on what’s best for your dd NOT your ex’s demands and I don’t think you’ll go far wrong.

Manchester is a big city it’s not like you need to be living in next street and bumping into ex & girlfriend at Asda! Absolutely possible AND practical for you to live in a different part of Manchester but that making it far easier (and therefore harder for him to make excuses as to why not!) to see and be involved with his child.

But I wouldn’t move there if that’s your only reason for doing so. Do you have family/friends there? Would you get work there?

“If gf is already so important to him I suspect there'll be a baby soon” yes I’m suspecting a pregnancy too with the drive to sell the house and the withdrawal of affection from his child. And/or a wedding, possibly both.

“Luckily I don't think there'll be any more children for him in the future - he's told me he's "not a family man" and has made it very clear to his GF that he does not want children” means absolutely nothing. Accidental pregnancy, ultimatum from new gf or even plain change of mind, I don’t want you blindsided here.

My ex and I only have the one as I couldn’t have any more after dd, we were discussing potentially adopting when he started affair, but he had said he only wanted one more as he wasn’t big into the “family thing” - they now have 5!

Do what’s best for you and dd, he’s the one moved away, he’s the adult out of he and dd he needs to get off his arse and make the effort! But I suspect what will happen is he sees less and less of dd until there’s pretty much no relationship.

@Graphista I think you're right (my therapist warned me he thought that it was likely that one day, my ex would back away and tell me it's my fault). It's heartbreaking because my daughter adores her dad. You're absolutely right about not bending over backwards - I think because my daughter is older, that would set her a terrible example. I've already told her (because the knobweasle tried leaving her at the front door today before I opened it, because "Mummy will be mean to me again"), that she deserves much much better, and it's him not her.

I don't know anyone in Manchester, job market for what I do is not as big up there as it is here, and I have elderly parents in Hampshire, so not good for that either.

Given my ex wanted kids, but then when I got pregnant ahead of schedule claimed I had "trapped him" (WE WERE MARRIED!!!), I wish the GF all the best of luck if she has any kids with him!!

I’m facing a similar position. During court proceedings my ex-h failed to disclose that OW had bought a house 400 miles away. He’d already abandoned DS for nearly two years and is now going to do it again. DS is autistic. OW hates me and is consumed with jealousy that we have a child, she also has all the financial power. So buying a house as far away from DS as possible to ensure end of contact was her plan, it seems. I only found out about this because I have a friend who lives very near to where they are moving and she saw posts on a local FB community page. I wouldn’t have found out until he’d done a flit. I am utterly disgusted at the pair of them. I will not be facilitating any contact at all. He’s breaching a court order set til DS is 16 and is not applicable where they will be living. His choice, his shitty behaviour. I really feel for you and actually, he’s trying to make this your fault. It’s not. He’s a shit parent

Do what is in yiur best interests.

I say this as someone who relocated 100 miles with my dh to enable him to continue having excellent contact with his son. The reason we had to move was because his ex had remarried and moved in with her new husband.

Well you know we really didn’t want to have to do it, but we did. And it’s all worked out fine for us.

And your ex moved to Manchester.

So ditch the guilt get on with your life and let him worry about if he wants to be arsed with contact or not. You are not exactly emigrating! And he moved to Manchester not you!

The father chose to move away, the burden of the cost and time to travel is in him, the adult, not an 11 year old little girl.
No way would I allow my 11 year-old, or even a 14 year old to travel alone by train at 10pm. She's too young. She won't even be able to crack on with some homework - it will be noisy and possibly drunk people.
Why is this little girl expected to give up her weekends stuck on a train? Why is her time the least important.
OP - sounds like he wants an excuse to back away from.the parenting and to blame you.
I think i know the 6th form college you are hoping to send your daughter to, it would be an amazing opportunity for her, focus on that. She only gets one shot at an education, and moving to Manchester would disrupt her schooling and friendships. Let the adults work around her and prioritise her, not their convenience, their costs, their love lives...